I have finally reached the end of the terrible side projects (the next ones are all actually watchable). During this process, I have discovered a shocking fact:

I am a horrible father.

Why would that man allow his son to watch us? And why do we have capes but no pants?

I actually bought all of these side projects for my son. Why? Why did I expose him to such garbage? Was I trying to kill the little Star Wars angel that sits on his shoulder and keeps him company? Was I falling into the "misery loves company" trap and I subconsciously wanted him to suffer through the same things I did as a child?

Actually, no. This was not really my doing. He's a Star Wars fanatic and wanted to consume as much Star Wars as possible. I was merely the enabler. When we were at the comic book and toy convention, I should have put my foot down and said "No son! I will save you from watching this. I will not allow you to waste one moment of your precious childhood on this nonsense. I'm your dad and will protect you".

Instead I thought, "Kids sometimes like stupid things. I liked stupid things when I was young (including the Star Wars Holiday Special). Who am I to decide what he should and shouldn't like. Let him decide on his own."

Yeah that sounds a lot better. That sounds like a caring dad. I'm the good guy in this.

At least I was the good guy until I forced him to watch The Ewoks cartoon with me this week.

Alright Timmy. You are going to sit here and watch this with me because misery loves
company. But dad you just wrote about how you don't like that saying.

To be fair, it was only one 22 minute episode and "forced" is a pretty strong word. It was more like "begged". I didn't want to watch it alone. He hadn't watched any of it since the day we bought it. He found out awfully quick that it sucked and put it on the shelf to collect dust.

I'm so proud of him I could cry.

But we fought through it together. Earlier this week Timmy and I sat down to watch the first episode of the cartoon Star Wars: Ewoks.

It was as bad as it sounds.

No. It was worse.

The theme song alone is one of the worst things ever associated with Star Wars. Was it worse than Princess Leia singing on Life Day? Yes. Was it worse than the scene where Darth Vader seems to turn into Frankenstein? Yes. Was it worse than Jar Jar Binks? Yes. Was it worse than Lucas making Greedo shoot first?

Gosh no! Nothing is worse than that!

But it's a distant second. I apologize for what I am about to do, but you can listen to it for yourself. But be warned. Once you hear this, you cannot unhear it.

There are actually two theme songs. I don't have the heart to ask you to listen to both.

The show aired for two seasons (how?) in 1985 and 1986. It consisted of 35 approximately 22 minute long episodes. If you make it past the theme song and actually watch an episode, I don't think you will be very pleased. This is especially true if you are a Star Wars fan.

Here are the connections between the Star Wars movies and this cartoon:

• It is set in the galaxy as Star Wars
• It occurs during the same time period as the original trilogy (specifically before Return of the Jedi)
• It takes place on the moon of Endor
• There are Ewoks (Including Wickett, Chief Chirpa and master Logray)
• In the very last episode the Empire discovers the moon of Endor

That is all.

There is nothing else at all that has to do with Star Wars in any way.

Do you see that "Star Wars" in the top left corner? If it weren't for that, I would have thought this was the monchichis, gummy bears or a Bear Bears ripoff.

In fact, they could have simply titled this show The Gummy Bears and it would not have had to change anything except the Ewoks' fur to some kind of gelatinous substance. Honestly, the plots seem more like episodes of My Little Pony than anything having to do with the Star Wars universe.

The plot centered on Wickett and his fellow Ewoks who have to thwart the villainous Tulgah Witch and a rival species called the Duloks. The Ewoks sing songs, wear cute little hats, have "ceremonies of the hood" and protect the "soul trees" from their enemies.

If they were protecting Don Cornelius and the Soul Train it would have been much cooler.

But alas. It wasn't. It is clear that the only purpose of this show was to sell Kenner toys. Like any vintage Star Wars toy, the figures that are in mint condition boxes can fetch over $300 each. Perhaps that is because so few of them were actually purchased.

In my previous reviews, I wrote that I did not want to split hairs over whether or not these side projects are "cannon". this one is an exception. It is a slam dunk. It is definitely not "cannon". Nothing that takes place in this cartoon should be seen as having an effect on anything else in the Star Wars universe.

Now the obvious question?

Should you see it? Will it add to the enjoyment of watching the 8 Star Wars movies?

Nope.

The only reason anyone would watch this is if they have a very young child who they want to introduce to Star Wars without any of that annoying excitement getting in the way.

After watching this again (like an idiot) I now think this may be the worst of the bunch. I could understand arguments for the others but at least they all have something to do with Star Wars.

Does anyone remember this cartoon? Does it make anyone feel nostalgic?

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