From a slave to a master, chapter # 11 - The Dualistic Structure of relationships, part III

in relationships •  5 months ago

A Memoir

Excerpt: In this third article, out of four, (read the first and the second parts) I continue to describe other elements of the dualistic courting game and the effects on the married couple. I am reminding you, the readers, that on my path to mastery I had to face my own beliefs about life and myself, such as the duality that governs our lives. My way out of slavery necessitated the abandoning of the mass-consciousness dualistic structure, and I had to understand it first before I could bid it a farewell!

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Credit: mymodernmet

There are always two sides to the coin and the dualistic games that spouses perform are no exception to that rule. It will be a grave mistake to blame only one side for the miserable and sometimes tragic situations that the courting game produces. Although it is common to assume that it is mostly the woman’s fault and that she is the one who ‘plays games’, such thinking is a mistake and a misunderstanding of the real course of events. Let's examine a customary example:

Whereas the game between the soon-to-be-a-couple functions at its highest peak, that is, the man’s “courting engine” works in its full steam - he calls, sends flowers and greeting cards, asks and shows interest and care, and the woman, on the other hand, remains just slightly interested and barely appreciates the gestures, and in general executes rather stingy behavior when it comes to giving and gifting - a drastic change might occur all of a sudden. The man’s eyes might open suddenly to see how silly this game has been so far to the extent that he decides to entirely quit, regardless his passion for and interest in the woman!

He is not willing to continue playing this game any longer!

Therefore, in practical terms it means that the man cuts all connections with the woman and stops calling her let alone visiting her. Instead, he is giving her a very cold shoulder. Consequently, the woman who feels all of a sudden abandoned suffers greatly as she witnesses her fountain of love and affection, from which she has drawn so much, drains. If she is smart and self aware she will realize, at once, that it was her games and mistreatment towards the subject of her love which caused this severe situation. She will realize that his courting attempts were feeding her - a false nutrition – and the real power of love resides in equal sharing and giving.

Unfortunately, few humans do realize the above and most fall into panic and depression. The woman in our example might become so frightened that she has to do something, perhaps to contact the guy and to hint, again, that she IS still interested in him. If that happens and the man responds the game proceeds. The balance, however, now shifts sides while each party tries to improve positions, to gain more mental assets, to conquer the other’s energies and to reach the final stages with his/her hand on top. No wonder many claims this courting game to be tedious and tiring.

A change after the marriage?

Countless couples delude themselves to think that as soon as they are married things will look very different. The man hopes that his wife, who made him suffer throughout the courting period, will become a pure angel once they are married, one that will have forsaken the games and will treat him as a genuine and equal partner in their relationship. The woman, on the other hand, hopes that her spouse, whom she stepped on, humiliated and sometimes treated as her private slave, now will become powerful, manly and will develop a prestige and a successful career. Concurrently she desires that her man will carry on spoiling her and courting her at least as before the wedding.

However, the man sees things differently. As soon as she becomes officially “his” and his mission is accomplished he exempts himself from investing and spending efforts in courting. For him the game is overand does not need to continue. After all, as he sees it, it was just a game that both played to eventually get married and once the goal is achieved the game is over. “Why should I keep courting her?” the man asks. “She is already mine!”.

This factual matter, i.e., “she is already mine”, strengthens within him the hope that now his wife will grant him more of her feminine grace. That she will spoil him more, care for him more and be much more agreeable to be a loving wife. Again, his prominent thought is “the game is over. She no longer needs to play the ‘hard to get’”.

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Credit: pcpowerplay

What really happens

Each side develops their own expectations and desires which are nonetheless contradict each other. Therefore, what usually happens is that each side grounds himself in their position, awaiting the other to show a change in attitude. The relationship becomes a swords dance, a combat, in which the two treat each other as rivals rather than as lovers. Sometimes things get so stuck that a third factor must intervene, a mediator; therefore they bring a child to the world who helps them express their hidden love outwardly, and also eventually to each other. Or so they hope. The man sees the child as a chance to tie the woman to him and secure her fidelity while the woman grabs this golden chance to upgrade her status in her husband’s eyes and hopefully receive more love; If not from him then at least from her infant.

And The duality continues

A woman in an officially established relationship feels that it is her responsibility to maintain the well-being of the family and to keep her man close by. Such a belief system inherently positions her in a conflict with her spouse because this perspective says that their interests contradict. The man acts in the opposite way to what she is trying to achieve. Being passive in the relationship he welcomes his spouse’s position as it suits his needs. His wife takes care of herself in order to make him stay, she shows care and affection and makes herself available mentally and sexually. The man has nothing to complain about!

In the average duality relationship, the feminine side uses its physical appearance as an extremely powerful tool to make sure the spouse will remain. Many of the ladies fulfill a social expectation to take care of their body, pamper it, maintain it with cosmetic treatments and plastic surgeries only to be worthy of their men. A woman in a dualistic relationship thinks that as long as she remains young, beautiful and sensual her spouse will not have any reason to leave her or cheat on her. Naturally, such thinking only enforces the dualistic stance that has characterized their relationship since the very beginning.

The division of the house roles/chores is significantly dichotomous as well. The man brings money and the woman takes care of the home. Indeed, In the recent years, some couples, especially in the western societies, have challenged such axiom and therefore reversed the roles, deciding that the woman would go out to work while the man would remain at home to take care of the children, do the chores etc. However, such alteration only enforced the state of dualism because the couple only switched sides and did not abandon the dual framework all together as it had wanted to do.

The problem is in the inherent doctrine

In our contemporary human society, the dual perspective is well rooted and expresses itself in all matters.

  • The saying that men are not sensitive as women are is dualistic;
  • The expectation from a woman to be soft and gentle and from a man to be firm and assertive is dualistic;
  • Mocking at men who express feminine gestures is dualistic because it assumes that men has no feminine sides;
  • More than that – in the recent years we have been witnessing a large portion of women who adopt male thinking and behavior not realizing that such transformation is not efficient because it still imprisons them in the Box of duality. Some of the feminist agendas only indoctrinate women to mimic the male world rather than to become whole unto themselves.

Is avoiding marriage a solution?

Numerous couples recognize in advance this battle between the sexes and try, with much success, to bypass it throughout the courting period of time. However, when they decide eventually to bond together officially, some concerns begin to surface. The prominent one of those concerns is that the marriage might only destroy the beautiful communion they have managed to build so far. The solution that such couples often find is to live together without marriage. They declare that they do not believe in marriage and such institution is archaic and meaningless. Nevertheless, this so-called solution only detours the problem and deviates from the inherent belief system that the spouses hold. The root problems will eventually emerge and break the illusionary balance that they have been living in. It is only a question of the right time and circumstances.



In Part IV – compromises that grown-ups make to maintain peace and other elements of the duality structure in relationships.

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I'm just speechless with all these analysis you have made. You are able to search into each gender's role when it comes to relationship... You have done a good job.

What I suggest to be the solution is that each sex should never stop courting even in marriage, it is the most beautiful part of relationship. The bound at this stage is just too high.

Though, it might not be as frequent as it used to be before marriage, because the both party need to face the reality after their games... Lol, but nothing should take the place of courting.

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What I suggest to be the solution is that each sex should never stop courting even in marriage, it is the most beautiful part of relationship. The bound at this stage is just too high.

Indeed.
and when the courting is done from a place outside the game, that is when the two people are aware of the duality and the courting game, then it's even more fun. Why? because there is no emotional drama, and the senses are more open to experience the interaction.

so true @nomad-magus.
after marriage will be much different from the previous courtship
posts that are closely related to everyday life

Great walkthrough from how relationship starts. How important it is for woman to be chased. How sides can all of the sudden reverse. How things change in man’s mind when he finally gets married... For whatever reason it reminds me this pair of red cardinals. They are coming to our backyard for about 5 years almost every single day. They got really used to us. They almost eat from our hands.
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The male cares so much for his female every single time for 5 years. He feeds her, she usually doesn’t take food herself, she always waits for him to feed her. You can literally feel how happy they are together. It seems so natural. They are known to stay together forever. At some point humans are the same and different. Women has expectations from man and man understand her expectations and is happy to meet her it. Like it or not, women always feels the need to be treated like a princess, to feel protected. Once women loses this need from her partner and at the same time he looses the need to treat her like a princess there might be something wrong. Their life may become miserable if the stay together. Inspite of their expectations, I don’t thing child would change anything. It’s only temporarily fix. It may get even worse. Nature always wins. My point is, I don’t believe in third party intervention. In majority cases it’s only temporary fix. If they can’t fix it themself, no one can.

The prominent one of those concerns is that the marriage might only destroy the beautiful communion they have managed to build so far.

I believe, if they are meant for each other marriage won’t make it worst, it will only help them. And that’s my opinion when it comes to most cases. Of course there are few exceptions where women is the dominant one.

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Once women loses this need from her partner and at the same time he looses the need to treat her like a princess there might be something wrong.

I would argue that when both lose the need their relationship will grow to a new level. A stage of conscious choice. "I am with you because I choose to be with you, not because I need you". Of course, this attitude contradicts the very nature of the dualitsim in relatiobships.

The issue of relationships is so complex, that there is surely a topic for 3 months of publications, women have always felt weak as far as men are concerned, men should be in charge of what they teach, the customs... When women become professionals, have financial freedom, work in the street, we do not have time to deal with this type of games, of course it will also depend a lot on the degree of maturity in which they are affected, but not everyone thinks alike, the main problem in everything is the communication and attachment we have to each role, is it possible to reach a state of equality between men and women? Will this be a positive response?

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All true.
And you know, relationships are actually very simple. It's we, humans, who make them complex. I too walked the difficult and complicated path, as I describe in my memoir, and used the issues and the mind games as catalysts for my spiritual growth.
Nowadays, when I identify a duality I bid it a farewell and cross to the other side of the road :)

The Photo of the post so great, beautiful and powerfull!
Like the post very much.

I am confused to know the right people or not?
If someone is in the wrong mindset.
Now I live among many couples rush into marriage at a young age due to the trend of rising young being married lately.

I questioned myself.
If I am already convinced it is true that the she is the right life partner?

Because as the saying goes, love is blind, so the sense of love that is too big can be blinding the eyes of our hearts and minds to be able to think logically.

don't just because want to follow trends — or sultry ongoing asked "when is mating?"
so I ignored the signs that the he is not really a proper spouse.

Indeed nobody is perfect in this world. However, this does not mean I won a close eye over the bad things that I received from a partner.

Thanks for this my teacher @nomad-magus

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I know what you mean, mate.
In love my rule is
Keep your heart open and your mind closed

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Thanks my teacher @nomad-magus
For opinion

nice :) upvote n resteem

Yea that is really tangible. After marry time is not going like before. It also true that all the times not go in same way. But relation should be exsist whatever the change.

To listen to the audio version of this article click on the play image.

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That's right,,I don't face it but i watched it ..
When the relation may be built up by love,,I mean both are feeling for each other and always try to another happy..It also break the bonding,,but love don't..It is happen when regular as like as a take this always,,When she/he was not there,we felt his/her ...That's the reality..So break up keep a good role for strong bond on love and relationship..Thanks for sharing
@upvoted

after marriage we will be more responsible to our partner, and rest assured our sustenance will increase after we married

Communication and trust is the key to a lasting relationship. When you are already binded in love with your partner you must share youself wholeheartedly without any hesitation, no ifs and buts.
Thank you for sharing this @nomad-magus!😊❤

I love your interpretation. Things do change after marriage, I noticed some changes inmy daughter's relationship. Maybe continue treating each other as you are still courting would be good. Maybe the respect and trust and honesty will still be there. Thank you for this @nomad-magus. Btw I was wondering why magus sounded familiar but actually different spelling a character in the series Shadowhunters - Magnus prince of warlocks

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a character in the series Shadowhunters - Magnus prince of warlocks

A true character!
But don't tell anyone. It's a secret between you and me only 🤐😊

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haha now a secret no more But I love his character in the series

I am confused to know the right people or not?
If someone is in the wrong mindset.
Now I live among many couples rush into marriage at a young age due to the trend of rising young being married lately.

I questioned myself.
If I am already convinced it is true that the she is the right life partner?

Because as the saying goes, love is blind, so the sense of love that is too big can be blinding the eyes of our hearts and minds to be able to think logically.

don't just because want to follow trends — or sultry ongoing asked "when is mating?"
so I ignored the signs that the he is not really a proper spouse.

Indeed nobody is perfect in this world. However, this does not mean I won a close eye over the bad things that I received from a partner.

Thanks for this my teacher @nomad-magus

I love your post thanks you

I love this. Weldone sir. I have also been trying to reach you sir. How can i get across to you sir?

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rakevet2018@gmail.com

For sure what your posting is real right most of the people whenever they have issues in their marriages, they are ever one sided blaming. In my country women are muchly blamed about the issues in the family because men are taken to be superior to them.
And its why divorces are all over the country because of that imbalances while sorting out such marriage issues. @nomad-magus what you saying is right.

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Indeed.
Duality is everywhere.

It is highly rated post for me because it is related to our partical life because it gives clear distinction between the character of human especially for man before and after the marriage...
It is obvious that our chracter abruptly transforms from one to abother as we cannot behave with same charater against other prople before after marriage...
Actually this post is very informative and inspirational especially for those who are unmarried and certainly for martied people..
Thanks for sharing ..@nomad-magus