Excerpt: In this third article, out of four, (read the first and the second parts) I continue to describe other elements of the dualistic courting game and the effects on the married couple. I am reminding you, the readers, that on my path to mastery I had to face my own beliefs about life and myself, such as the duality that governs our lives. My way out of slavery necessitated the abandoning of the mass-consciousness dualistic structure, and I had to understand it first before I could bid it a farewell!
There are always two sides to the coin and the dualistic games that spouses perform are no exception to that rule. It will be a grave mistake to blame only one side for the miserable and sometimes tragic situations that the courting game produces. Although it is common to assume that it is mostly the woman’s fault and that she is the one who ‘plays games’, such thinking is a mistake and a misunderstanding of the real course of events. Let's examine a customary example:
Whereas the game between the soon-to-be-a-couple functions at its highest peak, that is, the man’s “courting engine” works in its full steam - he calls, sends flowers and greeting cards, asks and shows interest and care, and the woman, on the other hand, remains just slightly interested and barely appreciates the gestures, and in general executes rather stingy behavior when it comes to giving and gifting - a drastic change might occur all of a sudden. The man’s eyes might open suddenly to see how silly this game has been so far to the extent that he decides to entirely quit, regardless his passion for and interest in the woman!
He is not willing to continue playing this game any longer!
Therefore, in practical terms it means that the man cuts all connections with the woman and stops calling her let alone visiting her. Instead, he is giving her a very cold shoulder. Consequently, the woman who feels all of a sudden abandoned suffers greatly as she witnesses her fountain of love and affection, from which she has drawn so much, drains. If she is smart and self aware she will realize, at once, that it was her games and mistreatment towards the subject of her love which caused this severe situation. She will realize that his courting attempts were feeding her - a false nutrition – and the real power of love resides in equal sharing and giving.
Unfortunately, few humans do realize the above and most fall into panic and depression. The woman in our example might become so frightened that she has to do something, perhaps to contact the guy and to hint, again, that she IS still interested in him. If that happens and the man responds the game proceeds. The balance, however, now shifts sides while each party tries to improve positions, to gain more mental assets, to conquer the other’s energies and to reach the final stages with his/her hand on top. No wonder many claims this courting game to be tedious and tiring.
A change after the marriage?
Countless couples delude themselves to think that as soon as they are married things will look very different. The man hopes that his wife, who made him suffer throughout the courting period, will become a pure angel once they are married, one that will have forsaken the games and will treat him as a genuine and equal partner in their relationship. The woman, on the other hand, hopes that her spouse, whom she stepped on, humiliated and sometimes treated as her private slave, now will become powerful, manly and will develop a prestige and a successful career. Concurrently she desires that her man will carry on spoiling her and courting her at least as before the wedding.
However, the man sees things differently. As soon as she becomes officially “his” and his mission is accomplished he exempts himself from investing and spending efforts in courting. For him the game is overand does not need to continue. After all, as he sees it, it was just a game that both played to eventually get married and once the goal is achieved the game is over. “Why should I keep courting her?” the man asks. “She is already mine!”.
This factual matter, i.e., “she is already mine”, strengthens within him the hope that now his wife will grant him more of her feminine grace. That she will spoil him more, care for him more and be much more agreeable to be a loving wife. Again, his prominent thought is “the game is over. She no longer needs to play the ‘hard to get’”.
What really happens
Each side develops their own expectations and desires which are nonetheless contradict each other. Therefore, what usually happens is that each side grounds himself in their position, awaiting the other to show a change in attitude. The relationship becomes a swords dance, a combat, in which the two treat each other as rivals rather than as lovers. Sometimes things get so stuck that a third factor must intervene, a mediator; therefore they bring a child to the world who helps them express their hidden love outwardly, and also eventually to each other. Or so they hope. The man sees the child as a chance to tie the woman to him and secure her fidelity while the woman grabs this golden chance to upgrade her status in her husband’s eyes and hopefully receive more love; If not from him then at least from her infant.
And The duality continues
A woman in an officially established relationship feels that it is her responsibility to maintain the well-being of the family and to keep her man close by. Such a belief system inherently positions her in a conflict with her spouse because this perspective says that their interests contradict. The man acts in the opposite way to what she is trying to achieve. Being passive in the relationship he welcomes his spouse’s position as it suits his needs. His wife takes care of herself in order to make him stay, she shows care and affection and makes herself available mentally and sexually. The man has nothing to complain about!
In the average duality relationship, the feminine side uses its physical appearance as an extremely powerful tool to make sure the spouse will remain. Many of the ladies fulfill a social expectation to take care of their body, pamper it, maintain it with cosmetic treatments and plastic surgeries only to be worthy of their men. A woman in a dualistic relationship thinks that as long as she remains young, beautiful and sensual her spouse will not have any reason to leave her or cheat on her. Naturally, such thinking only enforces the dualistic stance that has characterized their relationship since the very beginning.
The division of the house roles/chores is significantly dichotomous as well. The man brings money and the woman takes care of the home. Indeed, In the recent years, some couples, especially in the western societies, have challenged such axiom and therefore reversed the roles, deciding that the woman would go out to work while the man would remain at home to take care of the children, do the chores etc. However, such alteration only enforced the state of dualism because the couple only switched sides and did not abandon the dual framework all together as it had wanted to do.
The problem is in the inherent doctrine
In our contemporary human society, the dual perspective is well rooted and expresses itself in all matters.
- The saying that men are not sensitive as women are is dualistic;
- The expectation from a woman to be soft and gentle and from a man to be firm and assertive is dualistic;
- Mocking at men who express feminine gestures is dualistic because it assumes that men has no feminine sides;
- More than that – in the recent years we have been witnessing a large portion of women who adopt male thinking and behavior not realizing that such transformation is not efficient because it still imprisons them in the Box of duality. Some of the feminist agendas only indoctrinate women to mimic the male world rather than to become whole unto themselves.
Is avoiding marriage a solution?
Numerous couples recognize in advance this battle between the sexes and try, with much success, to bypass it throughout the courting period of time. However, when they decide eventually to bond together officially, some concerns begin to surface. The prominent one of those concerns is that the marriage might only destroy the beautiful communion they have managed to build so far. The solution that such couples often find is to live together without marriage. They declare that they do not believe in marriage and such institution is archaic and meaningless. Nevertheless, this so-called solution only detours the problem and deviates from the inherent belief system that the spouses hold. The root problems will eventually emerge and break the illusionary balance that they have been living in. It is only a question of the right time and circumstances.
In Part IV – compromises that grown-ups make to maintain peace and other elements of the duality structure in relationships.