The 3 Main Traits for an Ideal Relationship: Warmth-Trustworthiness, Vitality-Attractiveness & Status-Resources
The media -- like TV, movies and magazines -- feed us images of an ideal type of partner with certain characteristics. There is a big push for sex appeal as the ideal, along with a nice big bank account. An ideal partner is sometimes shown as having a cute smile or kind eyes, regardless of the fat wallet or sexy appearance.
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Apart from the media influence, ever wonder why many people choose partners based on similar motivations? How do people gage whether they are in a good or bad relationship? What determines if we become more involved, live together, get married, or find someone else?
A model was developed in the last decade by social and evolutionary psychology researchers. It's called the Ideals Standards Model.
Ideal standards, the current characteristics of the partner, the need to see them or the relationship in a positive light, and the need to be accurate about who they are, all play a part in how we choose a mate. The model developed 3 general categories of features as the most appealing to evaluate potential partners: warmth-loyalty/trustworthiness, vitality-attractiveness, and status-resources.
Those features are the main signals we generally look for in a potential partner. They demonstrate a good investment (status-resources, warmth-loyalty) for us to make with our time and our lives, and good genes (vitality-attractiveness) for creating a family. Pretty much everyone uses these standards to measure a potential partner, whether we realize it or not.
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Warmth and Loyalty/Trustworthiness
Despite popular opinion about the primary importance of sex appeal and physical appearance, this is predominantly the case only for those who are looking for short-term relations, like hook-ups. People who seek out long-term relationships look at warmth and trustworthiness as more important.
A nice smile and warm gentle eyes only go so far. Warmth and trustworthiness are what determine someone's level of care, and being able to meet needs of love, comfort and security. We look for a capacity to be considerate, loving, kind and understanding in times of distress and feeling threatened.
When these needs are met, it bonds people and brings them closer, fostering attachment and security with each other and thereby trust, loyalty and faith as well. If we can trust someone, we feel more secure and stable in our relationship. This makes us more certain about the commitment and faithfulness of our partners. Relationship satisfaction is correlated with how strongly we trust the other.
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Vitality and Attractiveness
The media and our culture plays heavily on good looks and sex appeal. Being attracted to someone isn't only about their physical appearance, or sexual desire and arousal. Looking at external appearances goes beyond physical attractiveness, it also demonstrates their health and level of energy to show how outgoing they are.
Physical appearances can be more obvious for us to recognize, but even at a subconscious level we are evaluating the health and vitality of a person. This tells us about their reproductive potential ("good genes"). Does it seem like they will produce more or less healthy children?
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Status and Resources
Contrary to the mainstream narrative of a people desiring for money, luxury and a big salary, not everyone is so materialistic. These terms aren't about great wealth or social standing gained from it. The status and resources are what are required to provide for a partner and family.
What most of us are looking for is not a glamorous lifestyle, but a decent job with some security that can help contribute to the maintenance of a family and home. To be happy, we don't need large amounts of wealth, but we do need to have the basics of food, shelter and other essentials covered for the prosperity of our family.
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Being Realistic: Few Can Match Ideals Perfectly
If a partner is perceived to be failing in one of these fundamental qualities, the relationship will be evaluated in a more negative light compared to other relationships where a partner is seen as embodying these qualities more. If these ideal qualities are really important to someone, then they may not be willing to compromise and stay with their partner. Higher importance on ideal standards means more expectations for partners to match them.
People who have some flexibility in accepting how much a partner is aligned with these characteristics, report having a higher quality relationship because they aren't as conflicted with how their ideal doesn't match the reality. Having standards and ideals are fine, but sometimes people don't match them perfectly. Partners who largely embody these fundamental qualities might still not be enough for some people because they have unrealistically high standards and expectations to be met.
- Do you agree that these ideals are universally important for how we evaluate our potential partners?
- Which of the 3 categories do you think/feel is most important to you?
- Which (if any) of the 3 categories do you think/feel is least important to you?
- Is failure to meet expectations in one or more of these ideals a "deal breaker" for you?
Thank you for your time and attention. Peace.
References:
- Ideal Standards in Close Relationships
- Ideal Standards, the Self, and Flexibility of Ideals in Close Relationships
- We all want the same things in a partner, but why?
- The evolution of human mating: trade-offs and strategic pluralism
- High income improves evaluation of life but not emotional well-being
- Ideals in intimate relationships
- Adult Attachment
- Trust, variability in relationship evaluations, and relationship processes
- Trust and communicated attributions in close relationships
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My ideal relationship would be a couple that solves problem through communication and hold each other despite of ups and downs. With an independent to each other financially, emotionally, and spiritually, but synced with each other. Though it's hard to find a relationship like that, and you can't change your partner if you don't like the way he/she behave, you can only change yourself and being grateful that you have a partner. :)
I totally disagree with you, but not really.
This is what a mentally and emotionally healthy person might look for. However, even our best people are given over to neuroticism because of programming from TV and adverts.
Women especially are programmed to throw away their lives and chances of successful long term relationships so they can enjoy sexual liberation and an extremely extended courtship period. Then they are programmed to detonate their families because "they are not happy".
Men are programmed to be weak ass simps. Everything that turns a woman off.
So, although a healthy relationship is built on warmth, vitality and resources, most sabotage such for "freedom", hotness and trying to satisfy that fairy tale dream sold to them by dizney.
Indeed. I'm not saying other conditioning and influence doesn't factor in, but at the core we are all mostly driven by these 3 factors it seems. It's unconscious/subconscious, automatic, involuntary, and they can be overridden by other conditioning or programming , as you know. Thanks for the feedback :)
It's funny to note though that many people look to find in another what they fundamentaly lack in themselves!
A guy, who is not empathic may look for a compassionate girl; a girl who doesn't trust people will say she is looking for a guy she can trust but of course each time she will fail; a person who has issues with their appearance and a low self esteem will insist on meeting an attractive partner.
The basic issue in matching people is the lock and the key metaphor. Until we are whole, inside, we will keep attracting to us partners who would reflect back the lack, the gap that we feel inside.
There is nothing wrong with that, just better be aware, and not blame the partner for what we lack ourselves within.
Quite true. Seeking opposites to try to compensate for what we yearn to have ourselves. I try to live by principles like morality, and seek to find those who are willing to walk the same path and way of life. :) We always have more to learn :) Sometimes we are the ones lacking, but sometimes the other person does lack what we do have. Thanks for the feedback.
And I will go even further to say that the search is futile.
For example, one has low self esteem and therfore looks for someone who has high self esteem, with confidence, to lean on, and by that too feel good. Sounds reasonable right? Well, no matter what, how many or where searches one does, life will pull to one exactly the right person that will reflect that low self esteem. That partner may be kind and companionable but one, in their company, will only see how they belittle them. I hope I made a clear example.
So principally I'm saying - one should live life from moment to moment, do their inner work, grow, relinquish any search whatsoever, get out of the mind, and be open to what life brings. When a person enters one's life, with whom one's heart resonates, then they can begin to dance together.
All those statements, mostly coming from scientists and researchers, "I'm looking for someone who is trust worthy, attractive, resourceful, etc", are merely pointless attempts of the mind to control a process it simply cannot. :)
Thanks for your post. A great venue for expression 👍
By your thinking, anyone -- be they researchers or whatnot -- that tries to understand motivations for certain behavior, is attempting to control a process rather than actually try to understand or demonstrate how it works... Sorry, no. I want someone to trust, not betray me. I want someone who is healthy, and not going to be producing ill children. I want someone who is responsible enough to be able to share in managing a family. You seem to value emotions over thinking, and devalue understanding things that are discovered by the thought/mind as if it was an attempt to control. Life isn't just about feeling our way through it. Thinking is important to help us understand ourselves, self-knowledge.
I understand your POV very well.
Allow me to pose this Q -
You want someone to trust, someone who is responsible, etc (let's leave health aside as it's something else) - that's fine. Now, how are you going to find this person, by analyzing, by processing, by thinking?... 50% divorce rate testifies how such mental screening process is not so efficient.
I'm not biased to emotions, what I'm saying is that the only certain way to find trust worthy, responsible, loyal etc people is by becoming such. Then, as if it was a miracle, those who aren't, "slide off" our life, like oil on water, and we become invisible to them.
True, it's not a mental process. The mind is not equipped to handle the issues that are beyond its immediate time-space structure.
It is a rather old conflict between science and spirit.
for me warmth-loyalty/trustworthiness is important
but the point is that I trust a particular individual but I can't expect loyalty from him, it is purely left to that individual whether to be loyal or not, but since I trust him I will be loyal to him and will never betray him.
First step towards trust is being loyal.
Yes, trust is reciprocal. If it's only one way, then it's a false blind trust that will not serve us well in the long run.
absolutely!
A well written article. Yes I do agree. However...there needs to be a glue that cements it all. I see three types of glue. 1)God or the spiritual. 2) Children 3) intimacy or sex. The more glue you apply, the better for the relationship. There is something to be said for the old cliche 'The family that prays together stays together.' That spiritual connection does wonders. Thanks @krnel for a delightful and thoughtful article.
"Spiritual" means what to you?
I would say common values in consciousness (which is what one meaning for the symbol "spirit" refers to as people use it to reflect something they are trying to talk about) are a binding glue, like morality (which is what another meaning of the word symbol "spirituality" refers to as people use it to reflect something they are trying to talk about). A connection in consciousness based on morality, does work wonder :) It's the strongest glue their is. Thanks for the feedback.
In terms of the deal breaker. I resonate with this because an apparently trivial event in a shortish relationship set off thoughts towards this being not the type of man I could be with long term. I was being mugged by a giant moth. He just watched as I fought with this beast, never bothered to help. In that moment, in my mind, the relationship was over, but it was a few more months before I actually got rid of him.
Interesting article, as always. Thanks.
Anj :D
What was the event? I thought being mugged by giant moth was a metaphor, is that literal? hehe
Lol it was literal.
It was summer evening. We were at my flat. A gigantic moth came in through the open window. I was wearing white. You see my problem here :D
He just sat on the couch and watched me wrestle with it. I was terrified. It meant nothing to him, obviously. So, that's when I got the first flag that he's not the an empathic or caring person.
:D
Why are you terrified of an insect that can't harm you? Were you in any real danger?
It's an irrational fear. I know it can't hurt me but they creep me out.
wow...what a wondrful post i like your post to much @krnel . thanks for sharing good post.
Thanks for stopping by at my post. You have some interesting posts here.. This one is the first I read completely. Good post! I am follower now, so I will stop by your other posts too.. seem interesting by looking at the titel.. Have a good weekend!
Thanks for stopping by :)
That's exactly how I want my lover. Scientifically valid.