Thoughts about polyamory and children
This post is a sort of unfiltered stream of consciousness about raising children in a polyamorous environment.
A bit about me
I've always been of the child-free persuasion. I sometimes feel that it could be magical to have a child, to teach them, to help them grow, to see what they become. But at no point in my life was it ever more powerful than my perceived costs of raising children.
Even so, I've always said that I'd probably want to have kids if I was ever presented with the option of having children with more than two parents. The logical reasoning is easy, three parents would mean sharing the load, four parents share it even more. It's so much easier to get a night off for yourself when you have two or three more parents to share it with. Financially it would be easier to provide for the children. A child would have four role models, and can pick and choose which parent is more suitable for what need, just like I do with having more than one life partner.
Emotionally, well, I just think it would be good for the world to have more unconventional households. More people that have experienced it, have learned from their mistakes, and can teach it to the next generation. This is important to me for some reason. I don't usually feel the need to be someone that pushes an agenda, but in this instance, I do. Maybe it's just closer to my heart, as I've been ideologically poly since I could understand what a relationship is.
In the media
I'm sure there are some other examples of raising children in a poly environment in the media, but the one that struck a chord with me was Professor Marston and the Wonder Women. I don't know how much of this film really happened, and how much of it was edited to be a better story, but I really enjoyed the portrayal of their poly household. Particularly the issues they faced.
Mild spoilers ahead
This film depicts a poly family of two women and one man. The man has biological children with both women, and they are all parents to all of the children. Initially. This being over 80 years ago, this poly family has hit a couple of rough patches, and at some point the woman married to the man, basically tells the other woman she must leave.
Fear
This is basically my biggest fear with co parenting a child, that one of the biological parents will tell one of the non-biological parents to fuck off. Law is very monogamous, and every child can only have two parents, no more. In this sense, there is a significant power disparity between the biological parents and the non-biological parents.
What happens if one of the biological parents isn't in a relationship with one of the other co-parents in the poly household?
The string holding those two people together is much weaker. Even in monogamous relationships, I always dread the idea of a child being the sole reason for two people to remain close, "for the good of the child". In the poly relationship, where there wasn't ever a bond to connect the two, and the child is the sole reason for them to share anything. I don't know. Maybe it's better, since there no love that can die off?
I don't know if I want to be a biological parent, but I do know that right now, I don't want to be a co-parent if I'm not the biological father. It's just too much of a risk, and it doesn't, currently, outweigh the supposed benefits.
I hope that at some point I will learn to be ok with this. But right now, it feels like shooting myself in the foot.
Closets
Lastly, I'm really worried about being closeted. In the aforementioned film, the poly family had to make up a lie, that the second woman's husband died, and they took her in. This lie, like every other lie, eventually became undone, and was cause to great devastation. I've never been closeted. Not about my gender, not about my sexuality, not about my poly lifestyle, or the fact I'm into BDSM. It's a privilege to be able to say that, and one that I'm not willing to give up.
I don't want to hide my relationship with my children from the world, and I definitely don't want to keep it a secret from my children. Children can't keep secrets, so you can't tell your children and not tell the world.
Gender
Random thought about being non-binary and children. How do I have my children call me? Mom or Dad are both out of the question. Huh. That's going to be a tough cookie to crack.
There was an article in the "Ha'aretz" weekend version about a month ago about communes in Germany, and co-raising children, including that sometimes families leave to other communes. I dunno, maybe the idea of "freely" raising the child, but not like parents. More like uncles. But this is not what you raise here.
It's always about trust. And sadly, yes, it means thinking of the worst outcomes, even if you don't think they'll occur.
As for Gender, just by name. I personally don't think calling someone "mom" or "dad" is necessarily more powerful than calling them by their name, after all, our significant others usually call us by our names, do they not? I think that's a myth to rival the "White Wedding" one that Hollywood sells.
I grew up in a commune, so I know all about how that works. You may have other authority figures but they are a step away from parents. It can work, but it can also be particularly soul wrenching when the tie is severed. I know someone who went through that. Had a relationship with a couple that had a child, and was sort of a co-parent. She had a falling out with the mother, and she in told told her she can't see the child anymore.
There is trust, yes, but it's nice to have law to turn to in case of need. I don't want it to get to that, obviously.
I call my mom by her name, and refer to her by her name a lot when talking to other people, but I still eed to clarify she's my mother, just like I clarify my significant others are significant others.
Have a lawyer draw up an agreement beforehand. It may not be legally binding. But it means things need to go really awry for the other side to challenge them. So it can help. Though yes, there is the cost in trust of drawing it up. But honestly? I think the emotional cost of going into such an endeavor is so high that you have to be ready for such a thing to not rock it anyway.
"Parent." "They are my parent."
Huh, apparently Parent is not gendered in hebrew. Neat.
Interesting issues! A friend of mine is asexual, but wants her own biological child, and has gone into debt the past several years trying, and trying, and trying again with sperm donors, in vitro, and more. She won't try the conventional method of conceiving, doesn't want a partner, had more than one month-long breakdown over the failure of a fertilzed egg to attach and grow. I cannot even fathom this passion of hers, the long, long quest. She'd be a single parent. No partner. She refuses to give up. I'd show her your post (and thank you for sharing your thoughts here!), but it would likely just upset her.
I think that the more we're told we can't have something, the more we want it.
I actually know of someone who did something similar and is raising her kid by herself. I see her as both brave and masochistic. I admire her, but also feel sorry for her, in a way.
I think that it doesn't always matter how well you plan, sometimes relationships are going to fall apart. I've watched many marriages/relationships fall apart with children involved and I don't think that poly relationships breaking up are any 'worse' for the kids/adults involved EXCEPT, of course, as you said, the law doesn't side with anything outside of monogamy and two parents... so that would add a dynamic that I can't begin to fathom. I'm fortunate enough that I was able to give birth to the children that I wanted to have and now they're mostly grown (the youngest is 17+) so I don't really have to worry about raising them together with my husband, because they're mostly already all raised (and grown and starting their own separate lives).
This is an intriguing post and really has me thinking more on it. I can't tell you how many times over the last two decades of parenting that I've wished and SAID, "I wish it was okay/possible to have more parents involved here... I feel like it would lighten the load!" Especially when I was feeling particularly overwhelmed... but that just wasn't an option for us as my husband was not and has never been interested in polygamy in any type of variation. :/
At any rate, I think it could be an awesome thing for kids to be raised in an unconventional relationship. The only problem I see is that us adults sometimes have a hard enough time getting along with just two of us and I'm not sure it wouldn't just get more complicated and difficult with more adults to share the relationship with. That's just from my own old married lady perspective, because I don't really have any personal experience to speak of.
I do appreciate your transparency and openness about things, though. I think it leads to good discussions and opening people's eyes to things that maybe they would not otherwise even think on.
Great post!
I recently saw this video which tells the story of a rainbow family in the Netherlands. They aren't polyamorous, it's a gay couple who had a child with a female friend, but the non-biological father raises some of the same concerns about having no legal status with his daughter. They have a written contract that states that whatever they do, the child's wellbeing must come first.
In theory I guess that would eliminate a scenario like the one you described, where the non-biological parent would be asked to leave, but feelings are complicated and there's no telling what would happen if trouble arose.
It's certainly a difficult issue! Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Thanks for sharing your very personal thoughts and feelings about this issue. It's a real shame societies/governments don't support certain lifestyles and that this influences decisions that 'conventional' couples don't even have to think about.
I can imagine you are hesitant about becoming a parent but have no real way to make that official. If two strangers can adopt a child, why shouldn't you be able to co-adopt a child with your chosen partners?
I wish you luck and wisdom in making a decision in this that works for you and your loved ones.
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Just thinking which part of the world practice Polyamory more, I am yet to meet anyone from such homes.