Love love, or how can we build a relationship?
Relations ... "Nutrient broth" or paralyzing poison for any human life. We are looking for a relationship, we avoid relationships, we really want them, and we are very afraid of them ... We are refinedly defending ourselves in relations - from what? From the pain of disappointment. From unjustified expectations. But where do we get all these tastes and expectations? Yes, we are stuffed with all sorts of models of "bad" relationships and "good" relationships from early childhood. And in the register of possible ways to build relationships, each of us has our own "can", "need", "never and never for anything!".
It is necessary to help, and "at any cost!". "Yes" is always preferable to "no!". "It's not good to swear!" "You can boast, but you do not need to." I think each of you will type such a "set of rules and laws of relations." Something in it will be universal, "for all" - social morality. For example, the ban on cannibalism. Or incest. And probably everyone will agree with me - first of all, in relationships we are looking for love, warmth and comfort "you are for me, and I am for you". Opportunities to receive recognition, at - I - th. Well, material support of course, when you can add your efforts to the efforts of the Close, and get such ... more productive, abundant, sustainable result. It is the material result as the quality of its physical life.
Models of such relationships, ideally, we take from parents - in their relationship to us - the children, and to each other. But if they had a "broken love", then we are basically oriented towards them "as it is impossible" or "how painful and scary", "alone and empty together", and in the most extreme cases "how dangerous and unsteady" to be tied to Someone. And then we take samples of "right love" mainly from children's fairy tales, from various kinds of literature about "they lived happily ever after and died in one day." And there they usually write in great detail about the very beginning of the relationship, but the most interesting - how you can live a long time and at the same time happily - miss. We often have experience in our experience, how we can live "long and unhappy", "hopelessly - patiently" or in the eternal search for "happiness on the side".
Much in how we will build our adult relationships depends on which side was our sympathy in the "joint unhappiness" of the parents. If the mother took us - the children in the allies against the pope - the alcoholic or the pope - "revelers", and any of our manifestations of sympathy for him or her children's love was "a betrayal of the beloved mother", then, most likely, we will choose our alcoholics as partners and revelers, so that at least so the pope "beat". And finally, our unconscious protest against compulsions in love to realize ... We will be quite so sure of ourselves that I can "save my father" - read your boyfriend or husband - from an addiction. This is where my mother dad sawed and "chmorila", and he, poor thing, just had to "wash down" his pain and sorrow. And I will be able to "straighten out" and "cure" with my love.
Although how to build relationships with an equally valuable partner, without "saving", and therefore without unconscious domination, even if dominance is "good and love", as a rule these women do not have any ideas. And the experience of an equal-right life with the Other, too. And their super-care is especially attractive for addicted, self-seeking "mummies" partners it turns out. And such, more independent men, usually "sacrifice and all-forgiveness" are more likely to be deterred. Here the Rescuer to itself the second polovinku - Sacrifice - and finds. And life is beautiful, the script is known, we live for ourselves ...
Is it possible to model Love?
The most sad outcome, when in the early childhood models of love there was very little security and care. And we found it difficult to build a solid "internal defender". The part of his personality that "guarding the borders" and due to which we can survive in the complexities of the Great World without the "roof-torn" anxieties. Then finding yourself a love partner will be a total concern to find someone real who will be that kind of "protector" in the flesh. The guarantor of your sense of security is in the world. But you understand how illusory this is. And you will have to pay - an adult, almost infant form of dependence. Because there are men with very proprietary models of love - cares. But they realize all this precisely with the full conviction that you are "his woman" "with all the giblets." And they usually have a lot of confirmations, and "constant flow".
Everyone - each of us tries on the Other at first "the model of the relationship of love," his own, often unconscious "form of a personal paradise". In general, the qualities of this model are defined: caring for each other, honesty, openness, fidelity. And love. But here each of us in his own way understands all these definitions - and realizes. Hence the tragedies of "inconsistency."
Caring for each other. For someone, it's time left on the refrigerator "money for the economy" - and I "went with the guys to drink beer." For someone it's 24 hours a day together - and that's how it is forever ... Then the stuffiness begins ...
Well, sex of course. Pleasure or duty? And if the temperaments are different? To me once a week "for eyes", and to my partner every day - and that, only once ?! And in the morning, for tonus, what, again there? "You do not love me!!!"
And the most pleasant and exciting relationship is the eternal search for an ideal relationship! Trying candidates for the sake of laying down their fairy-tale expectations. Do not you fit in ?! Following! The excitement is a ton, and all the "malfunctions" are written off as "incompatibility of the candidates", alas - imperfection. "Real muzhiks - real women - or Women from the Great Letter" were transferred! And again in an exciting beginning, in the starting tests of ideal models of caring and love.
And of course any failure is written off to "How did you disappoint me !!!" "And I thought that I finally found it!" And so in this the reality of the relationship is well avoided - the meeting with the Other as it is - it is, and attempts to agree, synchronize in reality, putting aside their "ideals" and "dreams".
This is one of the most successful escape from boredom and emptiness of existence. "I'm so in love !!!" "I'm so cruelly deceived - disappointed - betrayed!" Beautiful swings. To lull himself in a string of bright sufferings and impressions.
Only in this way of life to grow old is very scary. Highly. Because with age, the strength of all this really decreases, but there is no happiness ... Although here you can start your young partners and partners to choose. Young people in such unions realize their oedipal passions "marrying their mother" or "fucking your own personal, just your dad." A mature and still seeking an ideal partner Adults - although what they really are adults, it's an open question - "adopt" or "adopt" a source of youth. Well, they are invigorating there, "botoksyatsya" there or else like pulling - "silikonyatsya", falsely and "tinsel" trying to deceive what can not be deceived - the Time of Life. Sadly ...
Author - Irina Lopatuhina
Psychologist, Gestalt therapist