How and when is food dependence formed? Part №2
The ability to reconcile with the imperfection of the world, then the acceptor, then rejecting our desires and needs, is achieved through the formation of the so-called "constancy of the object". "It is the inner feeling of the child that the mother - even the angry and the wicked - still loves and accepts it with all its imperfections. In the absence of a loved object - the mother - her permanent image formed inside serves as a comfort and support. This inner object, combining the desire and the idea, provides a stable attitude towards people who are then kind and loving, then aggressive and angry".
If the mother is unpredictable and often shies away from contact with the child, he remains vulnerable to attacks of negative emotions and fears - both his and his surroundings. And food comes to the rescue again. After all, it is available and accurately has the quality of permanence in this world that is changeable to the child.
Thus, in early childhood, the main roots of food dependence are tied:
- Replenishment of food shortages of love, recognition, attention to yourself
- Replenishment of food with its resistance to attacks of negative emotions and fears
- Acquisition of stress resistance through food
- Getting through the food of comfort and support
- Rooting the belief that Food is the main and safest source of pleasure
We are now dealing with archeology of the causes of our food cravings. To do this, we try to analyze our childhood impressions and traumas, early relationships with mom-dad. To clarify the picture of your adult "today" such a work, in my opinion, is very useful. But let's agree in an adult way: in analyzing the reasons for our dependence, we can be at all angry with our parents, questioning their attitude and actions towards us-children, accusing them of their current problems. However, the first step to independence of any kind is to assume responsibility for its "today". And our adult part to realize that we are grateful to the parents who gave us this world. They loved us as best they could, brought up with the best of intentions, sincerely wishing us a safe, in their view, happiness. And in every our painful symptom there is a resource part. For which there is every reason to be grateful to fate.
At the end of the "excavation" of childhood, it makes sense to explore our current resources, what we can rely on in ourselves "here and now", refusing the "crutch" of dependence ...
In conclusion, I want to offer you an exercise - Letter to the internal image of the mother.
Give yourself half an hour of privacy. Sit comfortably, having prepared a sheet of paper, a pen, and within 7-10 minutes, write a letter to your mother. Without much thought, spontaneously, write about everything that comes to mind. This is your inner work, secret for the whole world, so "let go" yourself "to the fullest" ... Thank, swear, ask, cry, laugh, sad ...
Have you written it? Now put a pillow in front of you, or put an empty chair, imagine your mother on it, and read this letter to her. Pay attention to your posture, breathing, pauses, hesitations, intonations ... Finished imaginary "her" read? Pause, catch your breath, and move to my mother's place ... Now you are her, your mother ... Enter the image, imagine yourself - your daughter - and tell her how you perceived what she just read to you ... be as spontaneous as possible, respond without hesitation, paying attention to your posture, breathing, pauses, hesitations, intonations ...
At the end of the dialogue, leave this space and, breathing out, return to yourself. Tell yourself something like this: "Now I am me. Today's. Steady. Adult. I can become my own parent. I have everything I need for self-support and faith in myself "
This exercise is necessary - with the necessary interruptions to learn new experiences - to do until you can sincerely, with all your heart, thank your mother for the life and opportunities given to you ... Forgive her for her mistakes and imperfections ... And ask her for forgiveness for her ... And from the role of mother sincerely take this gratitude ... And confess your daughter's love ...
Such correspondence may last for a month ... Or maybe for a year ... And it may end within a week ... Remember - this process is just yours, and what you are doing leads you to a release from the inhibiting and grieving habit of overeating ... If in this the process will "cover" too dramatic memories and experiences - ask for professional psychological help and support ...
Author - Irina Lopatuhina
Psychologist, Gestalt therapist