The notion of "responsibility" often makes me angry. And the desire to avoid it at any cost. Maybe this is due to the fact that the usual association that comes to this notion from childhood is the answer at the board. Everyone is staring at you, the schoolteacher is waiting for something intelligible, and you frantically try to remember a paragraph from a boring textbook, in the middle of which you ran to the courtyard ...
The older you get, the more you hear from everywhere that the Adult should answer for himself, that you are responsible for your life, that you are responsible for those who have tamed ... And in your perception of these answers, out of habit, you are liable for debt to the Other - Others - Society - Homeland, etc. It seems to you like this is all - purple, but there is someone powerful - big - threatening, to whom one must constantly report "about the work done".
Let's try to figure out how much this corresponds to reality ...
Everything we do in this life we
do, first of all, for ourselves. Because we want it for some reason, or we think it's necessary. It's for yourself.
Even when we were very young, and we were accustomed to a pot, we learned this from the bottom line, because the net priest is nicer than dirty. And our mother is much safer and more pleasant than Mom, who is grumbling and angry. Although if we were planted on a pot without regard for our learning abilities and too aggressively, then the discomfort of breaking could be remembered to us much better than the comfort of this already useful skill.
The child must be forced. No one, not even the most loving parent, has the strength and capacity to teach and educate his child completely without coercion. Without vaccinating the notions "must", "must", "you are responsible".
But in our adult status, we are already fully able to figure out who we are responsible to. And what or who motivates us and prompts us to take responsibility. At least for yourself.
By and large, the only person in the world who always has to deal with the consequences of one or another of my desires, decisions, actions is myself. Because all the choices in life I do myself. Sometimes I realize this and accept it. Sometimes I live with the full feeling that some outside people and forces are saddling me, forcing and forcing me.
The simplest adult example is the working relationship. The work is boring, the bosses press, demanding the impossible. But if you initially try to figure it out - it's because you mastered this profession. Aaaa, you were forced at one time by your parents to go to this college or college, right? Then, of course, it's easier - you are a victim of evil people who rule your life for a long time ... They raised you in their image and likeness, they deprived you of the right to self-determination, manipulating your love, caring and accepting you only "conditionally," that's you all your life and you growl, like a harpoon ... Dragging on their fragile shoulders a barge of their attitudes and expectations.
If we return to the "unbearable" load of work - how do we make this occupation sickening? Taking a passive, childlike attitude. Something by analogy with "parents do not choose." Forgetting that I - an adult in all respects is very different from I am - a child. Although in children's unconscious attitudes and fears, unfortunately, there is no time. And some of them can steer us to gray hair. If remain unconscious.
In order to realize yourself and your actions, it is necessary to be included in your "here and now". And here you can just help yourself. Remembering what parameters you chose this place. And for what their benefits and bonuses you are ready to tolerate the minuses and clamps that are always, like day and night. And periodically remind yourself that just the work you just can change. To send to all damn. At least mentally - by the way, very "unloads", tested by personal experience. Yes, the new together with the excitement of anticipation is always frightening and annoying. Or maybe it's better to say mobilize? Does he considerate and collected? Keeps in a tonus? Although you can prefer the usual boredom, irritation and experience of your own helplessness ... you choose ...
How much can you live someone else's life? Ignoring your desires and interests? Yes, any number.
The bonus will be the opportunity to shift responsibility for their failed elections to the Other. And the accusation of them - the Others - is that your life is boring, monotonous and repugnant to your true essence.
More fantasies, of course. For all their pleasantness, they are much safer than real steps and actions. In dreams you are strong, capable, talented and self-realized. Everything is fast and easy. You want - and everything comes to you. There, in these pictures of your unrealized energy pictures, everything is given to you without worries, hassle. Without everyday work. Which, to my great regret, is a necessary condition for implementation in any, even the most beloved case.
What do you pay for being a victim? Irritation, boredom, a general spitefulness of character, an acidic mine, which will be fixed in your usual expression to the age of forty.
And can you try to live differently anyway? How?
The first step, in my opinion, may be the understanding that in this YOUR life you are first of all responsible for yourself before yourself. There are no all-powerful and terrible. Managing your desires and actions. Of course, they are, but it is you who give them such qualities. You have them in a certain proximity to yourself. Transferring the internal images of their parents to those who, for example, are higher than you by office. Or just older. By the way, parents - if you are already at least 20 - hardly so all-powerful in your current living space.
You are independent. And - by and large - always free in his election. Of course, if you live in the route grid only habitual - read from childhood approved and allowed - elections, then consider yourself free is difficult. But I think I can try ... For example, asking myself a question - so, more often - why am I doing this? I go to this job? Do I communicate with these people? I am afraid of these situations? I am angry at such manifestations of the Other? Do this, and nothing else?
And if at least sometimes it will be possible to clarify what exactly I need it, that I have bonuses in these, at first glance, "load" and useless for my manifestations, then the next step is how much these bonuses for me today are important and relevant? And maybe these are my "secondary benefits" have long been outdated? And in my "today" there are a lot of other pleasures, for which it is worth to break away from the usual, safe routine and risk a little more to trust yourself? Listening to your deepest desires?
And then you can definitely try to change your life for yourself. Changing attitudes towards responsibility. Stop ceasing to complain about "circumstances." Mastering slowly this difficult, but necessary for a person FREEDOM. Freedom to desire. Act. And to answer for yourself.
Author - Irina Lopatuhina
Psychologist, Gestalt therapist