Who is Vincent?

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In my vocal cover of Vincent, I did mention I was once like Vincent.

To me, Vincent is the personification of a silent killer aka depression.

And when no hope was left in sight on that starry, starry night. You took your life as lovers often do.

Why is it so easy for me to relate with negativities? Am I a negative person?

It is easy for me to relate to people with problems, often those who face rejection, and unappreciated. Most of these who eventually spoke to me told me one thing I had in my mind as well.

It's silly for me to think like that. I might be thinking too much. But, it does bother me. The feeling of being rejected, or feeling like a child unwelcome. Often times, I can't just shake it off when people tell me to "get out of it" because when it comes, it just rocks the boat so hard, I could do nothing but pray my sinner's prayer that God could take my life away.

Depression is real, and I was once like Vincent. I wanted my life to end.

Why?

It all went back to 2015. In the hustle and bustle of doing internship up in the mountain, Resort World Genting, as a cost controller, it was not all fun and games when I was also simultaneously managing a huge project down in my varsity. It was a fundraising project for our international choral festival in Macau.

It is the final straw that broke the camel's back. - Taleb

With the rejection I faced during my internship, due to my lack of personal skills (I was not a sociable person to begin with), I was all the more pressured to ensure perfection in everything I deliver. The only escapade I could look for perfection was my project, because well... I was the chairman, and it was all within my control. When there were things that did not follow according to my plan, you guessed it. My fire of wrath was blazing hot on almost everyone in the team. I could tell you back then, no one was left unscathed, young and old in the group.

Then came the announcement, that we won!

WE WON GOLD FOR MALAYSIA!!!

But I was left depressed. Disgusted. Rejected. Feeling dirty. I felt I have misused my power as a leader. A leader should not tear people down, a leader should build a person up! What was I doing?

My life post-event was horrible. It was a semester break. I had no where to go and I didn't value home as much as I do now. I just wanted to be alone, yet I felt lonely. I had no where else to go. Then, I binged myself with music. My life was without aim since I failed to be the person I wanted to be.

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Then, I sought some of my peers for help. Not many knew my story. In fact, there's no point for everyone to know that at all, I thought. I didn't want to be labelled as, "attention seeker". After a while dwelling in that state, I thought to myself, it is either I die (which I have devised two unconventional ways to die) or I rise up and seek PROFESSIONAL help.

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I decided to go for the latter. I went to see the psychiatrist. I was diagnosed with moderate depression, severe anxiety. I was supposed to see him again after two weeks. I didn't. Something happened.

My eyes were opened

As I reached home, and was having my first meal of the day after the visit, I was updating two of my peers about my condition. Then I bumped into revelation.

Who ever said that I was not loved? Who ever said that I was not welcomed? Yes, I made mistakes but who ever allowed mistakes be my identity?

I slept, and woke up feeling determined. Weak, but at least, I did not feel I was about to give up hope anymore.

Dear Vincent,

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Hope is faith for things unseen. I pray that the light of love would shine upon your heart. Get it out, cry it out, speak it out. Do something about it, anything. But first, breathe. The more you hide beneath the facade of happiness, the more drowned you will feel eventually. I empathize how you feel, but I am sorry I could never understand your feelings and hopelessness in life. But life is more than sufferings. Life is too short to suffer. Take it easy.

It is not too late to go back.

Or as how @maverickfoo would say in his recent post,

Your life. Your story. Your call.

May you be blessed to see life, and live to love.