The beauty behind a NO
How do you feel when saying no?
How do you feel when someone says no?
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My relation with my NO
To be short, this is a very fresh relationship. For many, many years (20 something to be more exact) I was unable to say NO. Even if I didn't wanted to do something, I've done it as I did not wanted to disappoint the ones around me or give up my status of a "good girl".
From sharing my homework to get accepted by the popular colleagues to comply with everything my parents said, I was a so called "perfect child". I don't remember any moment in my childhood with a NO said to my parents. This was not permitted as they knew best what is good for me and what is not.
What was the long term effect of this?
I entered relationships where I was unable to set any limit. The result was that, for example, I had sex even when I was not in the mood, I accepted my partner going out more than he was with me without saying stop, this hurts me.
All lead to major frustrations and to the end of the relationships.
I was not a real good friend. From the same reason of not wanting to loose the people in my life by upsetting them I gave no real feedback or opinion on their wrong behaviors. I just encouraged everything they did and then be there, supportive, when things would go wrong.
I feel I have no real connection to my parents. We talk a lot and we share things but I don't take their opinion into account and sometimes now I will tell them a brutal NO every-time they talk to me like I am a small child again.
My relation with other's NO
Some years ago, hearing a NO would have been the biggest drama. The translation of a NO for me was: you're not good enough and not worthy, you'll have to work to get an yes and I don't believe in you.
Because the law of attraction works well, when I was unable to say NO I was surrounded by people pushing this button in the worst possible manner. I remember the toughest NO when an ex-boyfriend answered like this to my idea of moving together. It was just no with no other explanation and no further discussions. As revenge I made a credit and bought an apartment. Fair enough, our relation ended after.
Why is so important to say NO?
Let's make an exercise:
Imagine you are on a field and you want to put your tent for the night. You see no marks on this field so you have no idea if it's owned by someone or not and if you are allowed to do this. You are asking around and no one answers so you camp.
After you have everything set and you are enjoying the view someone comes and say "this is my place, why did you put your tent here?" and asks you to move.
This is an exaggeration but will help explain what comes next. So let's see before some reasons why a real NO is so beautiful:
1. NO is like drawing a limit.
If you don't put limits no one will know where is your yard and how long they can enter. It goes both way also, you will get to know people better when you hear their NOs than when they are permanent YES men.
2. Saying NO when it's a NO and YES when it's an YES builds trust
How could we trust someone not able to say a NO to us when it would be a NO for them? The feeling I have when I met someone saying YES all the time is that everything is superficial and that I cannot trust that person as I know for sure that not everything could be just great.
3. Saying a NO is both about vulnerability and courage
And this two, together, contribute to our feeling of authenticity and increase in self esteem. Not saying NO when we feel like it is seen as betrayal and we have to work quite hard after to regain our own trust.
Yes, we risk not being liked when we say NO. We risk people to leave and argues to start.
The final result will be filtering the ones around us. We will stick with those people respecting our boundaries (and us respecting theirs).
Food for thought
What was the last time when you said YES and really wanted to say NO?
How did you felt after?
On this subject I found a lot of inspiration in Brene Brown. I invite you to watch one of her discussions on boundaries, compassion and empathy.
First time I read title as "The beauty behind beast". :))
:)) there is beauty behind any beast
There is a beauty behind my beast? Or
There is a beauty behind any beast?
behind any beast :P
I have this issue with saying YES all the time at work, and it is a nightmare when you agree to do 1000 things even when you know you won't have the time or resources to live up to whatever you are agreeing to do.
Setting limits and saying NO seems like the right thing to do if one wants to keep his sanity. Plus, it shows the respect you give to yourself.
Thanks for sharing the Brené Brown video, I just discovered her and I love her books.
Welcome:) She is amazing, I can't wait for a new interview/book/ post...whatever from her side. A true inspiration
I really love this topic!
Indeed, it's so important to say NO in order to define boundaries and personal limits.
There is no such thing as the "perfect child" :)
For a long time, I also had trouble saying no to people because I was afraid I would upset them. Turns out that by not saying no, what they knew as "me" was a distorted image of reality.
So now I say no when it's needed.
Did you read the book "The 4 Agreements" by don Miguel Ruiz? One of the agreements is "take nothing personally" :)
never read it, added to my list now. Thanks!
you're welcome
Sooner or later we all wake up and analyze twice if it is better to say yes or no. When we are younger we often say yes because of the education we receive, but later we realize if it is in our benefits or not.
Yes, fortunately, most of us awake. And it's our job I believe to give another type of education to our kids and except their NOs as normal and needed.
I am the same. You may know about the big 5 psychological traits. One of them is agreeableness, and people high on the trait demonstrate those qualities - inability to say no, desire to be nice to everyone in order to maintain good relationships with them. This becomes so important to agreeable people that they would rather hurt themselves than risk displeasing others. Psychology helped me a lot to figure out my shortcomings and bring them under control.
That said, it is not really easy for me to say "no" to people even now. I have to do it in my line of work very often, but when I don't pay attention, I almost have an auto-pilot for "yes". To fight that, I consciously try to take time to say "yes" in my mind first, then think about it and decide whether a "no" would actually be a better answer. And if it is, I am usually not half bad delivering it in a clear but polite fashion.
Thanks for the story. You reminded me about something Daniel Pink said in one of his pinkasts. If it's not a hell yes, than it's a no. Giving yourself time to say yes first in your mind and check if it's a real yes sounds like a great strategy.
We should teach assertiveness in school because is indeed import not only to say No but the way you say it. You can be polite but ferm or you can be rude and this is not anymore about boundaries.
Daniel Pink once said if it is not a hell yes, then it's a no. So no.
This is my new apology phrase for saying no from now on. =)
Good one:)) bookmark his link also and give it to people. I've done this
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I love this quote, it really resonates with me!
Thanks. It is alinamarin's quote, though)
Nice article !
The best thing to do after saying Yes or No is to add an argument to make it stronger. No because something.. That way you'll minimize the 'risk' of being confronted.
And, on the same line, usually it's better to offer to the other person alternatives to your first request. That makes it harder to receive a no :). For example, instead of asking "wanna come to X?" you could ask "wanna come to X or do Y ?"
:)) I see in the last part too much NLP (I don't like NLP that much, I think it teaches manipulation over listening and understanding).
Giving arguments of why is a No could help indeed with one condition. We should not feel like justifying our NOs, just making sure the message we send is what we really want to say. When we justify we usually don't trust our NO so much.
Good post, thanks for sharing
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