So I've been going through some stuff...

This time last year, I was in a fantastic place.

I had just quit my job to pursue a beautiful dream of being a blogger. I lived, at that time, on the principles of the Law of Attraction (speak, think, act positively) and had an overall positive outlook. I had just gotten married, and the world was my oyster. I knew I didn't have it all figured out, but I was ready to take on the challenges life had to throw at me. As the months wore on, I lost my blog and had to go back to work. My wife believes this is where I lost my positive attitude, but I disagree.

I was reluctant to take a job, that's true, but once I got used to the idea and learned that I could still make my dreams come true, I turned it around and moved forward with a positive outlook. The trouble was that it was taking me away from home a lot, and seeing my new wife less and less, and the more this happened, the more my optimism faded.

You see, we used to explore the world together. In the last 5 years we've been to Florida, Colorado, Montana, Las Vegas Nevada, Tennessee, and we've lived in Texas and California. We plan to travel the world together. We were accustomed to the type of lifestyle that kept us adventuring on weekends. With this new job I was working on Saturdays, and though it was supposed to be temporary, it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

On top of all that, I was again dealing with a condition that other people don't have to deal with. In my optimism, I had decided to not seek new insurance after leaving my job in favor of seeking natural remedies for psoriasis. My psoriasis is Erythrodermic, and one of the worst cases my doctors have ever seen, but I was so sure that I could heal myself with a change in diet, and keeping my thoughts positive. This might have worked if I was all-in with the belief and had followed through with my intention to meditate daily etc etc, but I had trouble keeping with that.

Several months in, I came down with psoriasis worse than I ever had before. It was now starting to affect my joints, and I was having trouble walking. For about 3 months I tried to tough it out and stay positive, but I was faltering at this point. Three months I walked through the pain. My boss was really impressed with my drive and positivity.

But the truth was I was in a downward spiral. It was downright frustrating at this point that I couldn't live life like everyone else, and that I had to deal with challenges that most others didn't have to. I lost the positivity, and to be honest, the will to live. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't contemplating ways to end it all...I simply gave up.

After a while of living like this, there's nowhere to go but up. I couldn't stay where I was at. So I booked a trip back to California from Texas to visit with my grandmother. I'm leaving tomorrow.

All of this has taught me why it was so hard for people to swallow my "no excuses, be positive" posts, but it also taught me how necessary they are. Looking back on those posts now, they were exactly what I needed to hear. Going forward, while tempered with my experience, I'm back on the train to my dreams. They might be further than I thought, but I know that if I keep working, keep moving, keep dreaming...I'll get there.