I actually wrote ... the 5/7/5 one first. I like it too because it has some word play that the second does not. The thing about haiku written in Japanese kanji is that it is pictorial ... because kanji is symbolic and not a phonetic written language. To get the same layers in English, I think ... just my opinion, that more adjectives and careful word choice is needed. But it doesn't take long to offer both takes. Choice is always good:) Thanks for popping in:)