Light-years
Will this song be heard?
Where men weep, from the coldest land
Where men reach, for the holy light
Where I can't stand my feet upright
'Cause I lost my faith in this life
I can barely reckon my path
From all these things that hold my past
How could my life be so cruel?
Above this crying land
Will you take my hand?
And accept me for who I am
How many light-years it take, from here?
For my song will be heard
For someone to reach their hand
Because I can't count the years, I lost
Freed by the cruel foes
Living afar from delusion
Ascending from darkness in abyss
Unchained from these puppet strings
Felt warmth from someone's comfort
Growing faith despite the loss
But these are too good to be true!
From a world without hue
Despite these weakening sadness
Heal these wounds
Even if it won't cure these sickness
Love me within
Even if there's no future ahead
Because in this cell
I have found my death
How many light-years it take,
for the light to bail me?
image source
Here's my complete list of my poems
Feel free to read, thank you!
love dàvid
| List | ||
|---|---|---|
| Greatest Solace | Idle Soul | Euphoria (Sonnet) |
| Game Pattern | Meeting Point | As the Sun Descends |
| Queen | Ardor | Sunset and Gold |
| Holy Ground | 999 Days of Chastity | Chasing the Lights |
| Inaudible Ravage |
Upvoted. Keep on like this poem..love it.
Thank you so much @bayanihan glad you like it :D
good job. I really like this poem. In my opinion, the first and fourth stanzas were very strong, written really well. The following lines were the best
"Ascending from darkness in abyss
Unchained from these puppet strings".
Really enjoyed them.
I like to provide some constructive criticism, but take it with a pinch of salt - I am no expert myself, but I do have an opinion.
When it comes to the line "How could my life be so cruel?" - it may be unneccesary. Or I would rather pose it in a different way to emphasise it rather than to put it as a question. Make it dramatic!
Same thing in the third stanza, and I would pay a bit attention to repetition. Using the same words again may lose a bit its strength, especially saying 'hand' 3 times in the same stanza.
Reminder, this is not a professional's feedback, just my opinion and I can be wrong and you can ignore it :)
thank you so much @poetrybyjeremy. I am fascinated by your opinions. Well, I'll take your point, it could be very helpful. I will not ignore your humility- it's so professional. BTW, I have just followed you and read few of your works. twas great and powerful. I'll complete my comment from your post. Hoping to be your friends here.
Thank you! I will go check them out as soon as I finish this comment. Well, I am not a professional myself, I have never studied editing or writing, but I do have experience (writing for 4 years, and reading lots of poems every day).
Every day I find suggestions that I could tell myself too, and I appreciate anyone who tells me what I could do better. That's what Steemit is about, helping each other improve, and not only congratulate each other ;)
and P.S. I only criticise pieces I like because it is worth my time :P
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