Between Rome, Byzantium and Persia [Day 10]
I will not repeat myself.
We are above such litany.
Straining to comprehend muttered refraining,
the celebration of self cleansing,
no, we follow a higher power,
tower over religious babel:
The skies are pointing, fingers parting
our throats -
rabble bigotry promoting
artificial domesticity, a ceremonial
sword-swallowing
of holy patriarchal liturgy,
a phallic
identity;
Throats swallow the edge
a calyx enveloping us:
cheap wine and a hint
of soap, or everlasting life;
mouthwash and an answer
of being born with purpose:
all consuming, all assumed;
all assuming, all consumed.
So we are the drink droughts
differently,
sip the blood of grapes
civilly,
indifferently;
the above such litanies, and,
no, I will not repeat myself.
So flee, free man, flee
from fate and death,
and life and flesh,
and, ultimately, flee destiny;
trust in tomorrow to be,
leave today for the banks to seize
with Greek bonds, face saving,
and arms waving "No guns!" -
What could Greece truly know
about Democracy? - slave morality
see streets paved by daughters
& queens in liquor gold,
and we, tourists, fleet of feet;
are we voyeur to painted sheets
only waiting to be told?
Travelers wearied of the world
and the burden of knowing the know:
Pros: sacrifice is what it feels like
to be strung along.
Cons: what are you
when even your word is gone?
I like to imagine a day when we know
what a burdensome day tomorrow may be.
But tomorrow was the best day of my life.
c'est la vie.
doing good to others is not a duty, it is a joy,
for it increases our own health and happiness.
one good deed is worth a thousand prayers.
probably part of something larger, as I am wont to do, but couldn't be more happy with this piece or more confident in its ability to hold its own.
Written for free-verse poetry maven @d-pend's revolutionary poetry initiative The 100 Day Poetry Challenge [Advanced Group] undertaken for Steemit School where @d-pend will be hosting a daily poetry show at 6 PM GMT.
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And you're right. This is a good piece.
Before we move on, my favourite segments:
You know I love me a good chiasmus, right? You even said you identify that device with my writing, heh.
You know, I feel this piece got better as it kept going. I think this because as I kept reading, I noticed the cadence picking up, to where I've read it inside my head as a spoken word piece. Though it didn't start that way.
It started with trepidation, looking for its footing, as you tried to set up the poetic devices and the tone.
But then alliteration, chiasmus, and rhymes and semi-rhymes all joined together for a rapid-fire litany.
Litany? I thought we weren't doing that? Yeah, we both know that that ironic device is what it's been. I also liked how it added a sense of dialogue, without actual dialogue tags, or two people talking, which I've noted before tend to destroy the flow.
As is, I'd remove the cons and pros part, and the piece is ready to ship. Sure, I'd try to revisit the earlier sections in light of the later ones, but it is not required, just something to think of.
Also, I must say I was all excited before entering this piece, hoping to see a return to your topic of love, where we first met, with classic culture. But I guess it is on how we are the children of our parents, even on a cultural scale. Cultures, says I? How about civilizations, the birthplace of civilized people? Hmmm? Hm.
chiasmus! it's one of the rare words whose collection of sounds is just as great as the meaning we've ascribed to said collection.
I agree with you on the better as it kept going, a lot of the early stanzas are rooted in setup.
And yes, this is the natural extension of me working on my dialog woes. You know, I found a few older poems with dialog, most famous among them (and probably the only one I had read before searching) being Percy Shelley's A Dialogue and have come to the conclusion that I should never use quotes in my poems again unless I really have strong reasons for doing so. I stand by my use in 'I was never a writer.', and that might be it.
agreed, the 'pros / cons' couplet is probably the weakest lines I left in this piece - those will not be making next draft.
Hey, if this is the preface that I think it is, maybe that is what's to come? A cliffhanger? Tune in next time?
Thank you always, Guy, my friend.
I still smile thinking I only learned that word, and that there is a word for this device, in the Isle. Obviously, I've been using it without thinking of it as "a device" for far longer. But yes, I keep using the word now, because it is so delicious.
I'm glad to see you're learning from what did not work for you. Failure isn't bad. "Failing forward" is a marvelous concept, and to see you learn? Nothing could please me more. It is not I that teaches, but you that learns.
Checked Shelley's poem. I was all excited after the first stanza, with its subtle rhyming that is not only not rhyme-led, but the rhymes don't even push themselves forward. Then stanzas 2-3 showed me that even the masters often fell prey to rhyme-led lines. The 4th stanza was a return to form, and the first stanza in particular was worthy of the price of entry.
And yes, dialogue tags? Now I think it might be beyond that the use of direct dialogue that makes things inelegant, but like an exclamation mark, the mere use of the punctuation device draws unwanted attention in and of itself.
And I think I hadn't spoken of it with you, but I've spoken of it in class when you were there - it tends to be the case that the first 1-2 stanzas are there for the writer to find the thread of the piece, and then they need to be reworked or cut outright to fit the piece as it ended up being.
It's rarely an issue with your poems because you edit them so much, and thus revisit and rewrite and cut and so on and so forth, but I guess within the time-frame of the challenge, it happens now and then.
Well, stuff to go over when you edit the better poems, such as this one is, after the challenge ends :)
And yes, show me where you take this one, please!
It is a good advice to achieve freedom, a free conscience without precepts of moments. Thank you. I gave you the poem day 11
This is a great poem, my mind was gone for a minute! And by the way, I just watched the Punic Wars and I come here and read you poem haha So I was all into it... History is crazy!
Anyway, great job with writing as always!
Brilliantly accentuated with your words, absolutely stunning.
Matches many of my reservations on the artificiality of religious moralising. Who honestly needs an incentive to treat their fellows with decency? Thanks for the read.
The fear of burning in eternal flame or personal rewards should not be your motive for helping.
I like the way the poem is structured, the formatting almost matches d-pend's , sorry am comparing. It is so much easy on the eyes, to just trace through.
And the rhyme, Oh! God . Its just so good, I finished reading and wished it was longer :)
But c'est la vie. Good things don't last :p
I really enjoyed reading this <3
many apologies for the tardiness of this reply, still digging out of the hole that I have dug for myself, but unequivocally honored by these kind words, @fego, absolutely humbled; thank you.
Nice work, Carmalain:)
Damn, I feel this sentiment!
Let it roll... :)
I especially love this part, all consuming all assumed all assuming all consumed
I admire your poetic prowess @carmalain7.
Indeed, doing good is therapeutic it has a positive effect.