Turning the Camera on Vulnerability
Before I cut off my hair, I had a LOT of hair. That's not what this post is about. @shawnamawna here, and this post is about showing up for myself through selfies.
When I had kids, it felt a lot like I disappeared. I was collapsed into the routine of parenting and only one emotion was allowed. I don't even know what that emotion was. I felt shapeless and dialed into a single purpose: keep the children alive.
A few years in I began taking selfies. I noticed there were lots of pictures of the kids and the kids with their dad, @nat5an, but since I was the one holding the camera, the only way to be in the picture was to turn it on myself. And the only way to do that was to get really comfortable with myself.
It took me several years of seeing my own face to come to love it, and longer to love my face when it wasn't happy or forced into an acceptable camera expression. So I began taking care of myself during harder parenting moments. I practiced honesty with the camera.
I have lived with depression and anxiety my whole life. It got so much worse when I had kids. There were many hard days, but in the pain of parenting is beauty.
I can see it now, even in my own sadness. These images from two years ago mark the first time I recognized that my vulnerability was not a failure.
Vulnerability is a success.
Have you ever tried to take pictures of yourself when you are sad?
I know @jealousyjane has. Hers are amazing. Feel free to link below to yours.