Bachelor Pad Reminiscence

Came across some old photos on my external hard drive from the year I lived with my good friend Jen, back in 2012.

Whenever I post old photos from the apartment on social media, she never fails to comment "RIP bachelor pad," as that's what our place became known as between us. Neither of us were back in school at that time, so our only responsibilities were to our jobs (she was doing early-intervention ABA, I was working at an animal shelter and a nonpublic school for children and adults with autism) and to the rescue animals that lived with us - two cats, a hamster, two guinea pigs, and anywhere from two to four rabbits, depending on how many I was fostering at any given time. Neither of us had boyfriends for a good portion of that year, hence the bachelor pad title.

We both were also going through a lot, individually. I was 22 or 23 years old and still trying to figure out what I wanted to do for graduate studies (I felt that I was wasting time, as I had graduated in 2011 and thought I would already be in grad school by 2012), and Jen was constantly worrying about her brother back in Alabama, where she is originally from. Moreover, Jen suffered from frequent, debilitating migraines, and I was (very poorly) dealing with the height of my PTSD and ED, which I wouldn't get help with for another couple of years. One would only need to look at our respective playlist history to get an idea of where we were emotionally...a lot of Morrissey, Elliott Smith, and one depressing Margot and the Nuclear So & So's album on repeat. I stayed home a lot laying on my mattress on the floor listening to music in the dark.

My last.fm history can attest to how much time I spent alone in my room

the only years of Elliott Smith plays that came close or surpassed 2012 were the teenage years I was in a very abusive relationship with an older person

Anyway, the reason I am giving all this backstory is because that is what was behind these photos. When I found them, I immediately was taken back to the haze I felt I was always carrying with me at that time. I remember looking at the photos moments after I took them and being surprised just how red they came out, because my room was lit with orange and yellow Halloween lights. The deep red color and blurred edges in the photos did not reflect what I was seeing in real life sitting in that room, but I thought it looked neat and kept the photos. Now I realize that these photos were probably reflecting a bit of what was going on inside me at the time.

I don't know what possessed me to take these, as I wasn't yet modeling at the time and it was long before I would have a smartphone and really jump on the selfie boat. I never took self-portraits and I really only used my camera to take photos at the animal shelter for the adoption profiles and the occasional backyard bird or pet photo. In fact, I think this may have been the only time I have ever taken a "real" self-portrait, and I remember I was in half a daze when I did these in the middle of the night. I was also wearing a cheap wig, as I recall actually being blond at this time.

That's all. I won't usually be posting heavier stuff like this, but I have to admit I am really glad I have a place to share these thoughts as they come up, as they aren't really suited anywhere else on social media, nor does it feel good to keep them all to myself. Thanks for reading.