1 week from Christmas and I'm fighting off the dark place with Steemit's help - a #payitforward post
Warning: This is not a happy post. I don't celebrate the holiday season like the rest of the world. I have a very hard time celebrating anything at all - and I certainly do not ascribe to the commercialism of Christmas or any other holiday. Don't get me wrong, I am not Grinch, but personal circumstances has brought the holiday into a different perspective for me.
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1996, the worst Christmas ever
It was Christmas eve, 1996. My father was adamant about being surrounded by family. He did this for every holiday and birthday. Bottom line, he just wanted all of us around. At the time, my first husband and I lived with them with our two baby boys. It was early in the morning and no one was awake except me. I was walking down the stairs when I saw a police cruiser in the driveway. Two officers and a chaplain were walking slowly toward the door. I had a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach and really hoped it wasn't what I thought it was - but rather somebody doing something stupid and needed to get bailed out. But... the chaplain...
MOM! I called out, trying to wake someone else up.
I answered the door where I was informed that my brother-in-law and my baby sister's fiance were killed less than one mile away. Jeff was driving Mike home when they hit a slick spot in the road. Spinning out, they smashed into a tree. The tree won.
© Copyright Richard Croft and licensed for reuse under this Creative Commons LicenceBut the reaper wasn't done. Mike was actually on his way home so he could freshen up and take his mother and brother to the city to visit his father in the hospital. Mike's father, Rich died that morning within a few hours of his son. Imagine their surprise seeing each other at the Pearly Gates? Imagine being the woman who lost her husband and oldest son on the same day?
Christmas was put on hold as we made terrible phone calls. Instead of getting a cheerful "Merry Christmas" phone call, we had to tell Jeff's family that he was dead. Funeral arrangements needed to be made. Jeff's family from Ohio needed to make travel arrangements for a wake in New York and burial in Ohio.
And as we looked at the twinkling Christmas tree and all the prettily wrapped presents, we all wondered if we should open Jeff and Mike's presents or if we needed to return them. Needless to say, Christmas was never the same.
Rest In Peace
Michael Assante, 21 (b. November 14, 1975 d. December 24, 1996)
Richard Assante, 48 (b. September 23, 1948 d. December 24, 1996)
New Year's Day, 2004
We called MiCha "Emo", which is a Korean word meaning aunt. She is my mother's older sister and I endearingly considered her as my other little mommy and my Korean leprechaun. In 2003, she was diagnosed with cancer.
December 30, 2003. It's the day before my birthday and I was visiting her at the Adult Care and Rehabilitation Center. I was so mad that she was there and not home with us, but I was her frequent visitor often putting lotion on her hands and feet as I chatted with her and listened to her favorite music.
In one lucid moment, she grabbed my hands with such strength and looked at me with clear eyes. I felt a moment of hope that some miracle would cure her, but she said very clearly, "Don't be sad on your birthday."
I knew she meant to die. I looked her straight in the eye and said, "You are not dying on my birthday."
She smiled and said, "Okay."
She died the morning after my birthday at 9:22 am.
Rest In Peace
The only Christmas present I ever wanted...and never got
From November, 2004 to January 2011, I was a paid soprano/section leader/soloist for Grace Episcopal Church in Middletown, NY. Midnight Mass was special for me because of the quiet of the evening, the feeling of communion, and the music. I often had several solos, one being my favorite: O, Holy Night.
Every year I asked my children and rest of the family to come to Midnight Mass. I know none of them are particularly religious. Truth to be told, neither am I as I do not ascribe to any ONE religion, but I have a strong faith in a greater something. I really wanted my children to hear me sing before I retired my voice, even trying to bribe them.
"The only thing I want for Christmas is to have you hear me sing at Midnight Mass. But if you don't want to, then I don't want to buy Christmas presents."
They didn't want to go and I stopped buying presents. I haven't bought a Christmas present since. I just don't see the sense of putting myself in a financial hole for one day in the year when my children get what they need and a good portion of what they want throughout the year. This is all very logical thinking, right? But I still have a hard time getting over a sense of complete rejection.
Too many missing people
The older I get, the more people are missing from a celebratory season. Dad's gone. My grandparents have recently passed away. My kids are fairly grown and have their own seasonal plans. My other relatives that I'm closest to are about 1500 miles away.
I don't have this anymore
Christmas, 2009Fighting the dark place is a little easier with Steemit
image sourceRay Williams wrote a great article on Why People Get Depressed at Christmas. He has some great suggestions for fighting the dark place of depression. One of them is to "avoid excessive ruminations about your life."
Whoops! I didn't get that memo until just now. Anyway, it's a great read for anyone who fights the dark place during the holiday season.
The truth is: I will ruminate because the holiday season has become a time of remembrance and reflection for me. I have come to a point where I search for my Christmas Moments - those moments in time when I feel peace, joy and serenity; those moments when tears of sadness are intermingled with tears of gratitude and thanksgiving.
Steemit has actually helped me keep depression at bay.
Finding that beautiful, gentle moment
My first "Christmas Moment" was after I read @johnjgeddes' story Ghostly Snowman.... a wintry tale of love. He reminded me that there is still magic and love in this world; that sometimes we have to look past our own bullshit to appreciate the subtle blessings.
And this is why I reject the pressure from big box stores to buy more stuff and fill their quota in the name of the "spirit of giving."
Maybe I'm not such a nice person
I wonder if my participation in the Steemit community is more self-serving than I care to admit. The #payitforward initiative is a way of giving back to the community, but it also makes me feel better. I guess I don't want anyone feeling rejected or alone.
I want kindness.
I want us to love and support each other.
I want us to love and support each other.
I WANT
Sorry for pissing in the virtual eggnog.
Come frolic with me 'til the New Year!
This is a 50/50 post.Click here to read more about my #payitforward initiative
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Cool you repurposed the #payitforward tag. I let that one sit way too idle for too long anyways. Gonna bookmark it.
As for the XMas tragedies, my life has been primarily defined by the old adage "Misery loves company, and tragedy loves the holidays".
Holidays aren't about who can't spend them with us anymore. They're about who you can spend them with now. We're all survivors. We've lived this long, but one day we won't have the opportunity to celebrate anymore, because we won't be survivors anymore. I say celebrate every chance you get. Live your life, don't just exist in it.
@williambanks - good to see you here :)
I think holidays stink - and maybe this is why I appreciate random acts of kindness. There's no hidden agenda, no media or commercial push. You give when you can, where you can, for no other reason other than the fact that you can.
I've been getting stronger and much better at fighting depression. At this point in previous years, I completely disappeared from social media and hid under my covers. Lots of sleeping and losing track of days. Not this year!
I'm super glad you're here too.
Every time I get down, you find a way to cheer me up and I doubt you're even aware you do that. But you do.
That is a tough story and a story that will help us all gain perspective. It evoked a few feelings for me. I too hate Christmas - mine comes from a much simpler story. Family was everything for my father. I tried to build that same feeling in my own family. Separation and divorce fired a missile into that idea. Continual moving did the rest - my parents moved to South Africa from England in the late 1940's. That was the end of my extended family. I made an effort to get to know some of them when I too moved to England. I moved to Australia - end of that.
Just so happened I was reminded by Facebook to "See More Memories" this morning. It was a post I made about the silent illness called depression. I wrote that one of the cures that works for me was talking about it as topic - a topic that nobody wants to talk about. That idea resonated with many of my friends and family who support me through this (and some became new supporters). One post was from my best friend at University - he just wrote two words in Afrikaans "Sterkte Broer" = "Strength Brother". Daryl did not post a lot but he was there. What drives my depression today even deeper is Daryl died two weeks after that post. I carry his last words to me to help me in my daily struggle.
It evoked some other feelings too. My friend Carolyn turned 60 yesterday. She is struggling too with depression at the thought of her own mortality as all her siblings have died around that age. We chatted for a while last week some time and she ended the conversation with this quote, which I really like
If we all do that the journey will be easier.
I do have other techniques for dealing with depression. Getting back to nature is one. This last weekend I went off-grid to search for orchids. I found a few and I will give you all the joy of seeing this one to celebrate "living a long life, each and every day."
Veined Doubletailed Orchid (Diuris Venosa)
Note: Photograph taken December 17, 2016 in Barrington Tops NP - published here exclusively.
{{{ @carrinm }}} - your response resonates with me. I did everything I could to keep a civil tongue around my ex and his family but sometimes I feel like I didn't advocate hard enough for my kids! Sadly, everyone couldn't seem to have Christmas without them and who suffered for it? The boys.
You have my deepest condolences for the death of your friend, Daryl. I have 2 friends that I don't speak to very often, but when we get together it's like time never passed. We are there with each other and a loss like that would be devastating. But like he said, "Strength, brother." Yes. We have to power through those tough times because we never know who needs us within the butterfly effect of life.
I'll be 45 at the end of the year. The median life expectancy in my family (both sides) is 56. My father was only 59. I cannot focus on those numbers or I fear I may be a self-fulfilling prophesy. Instead, I try to focus on my day and this moment. Of course I have long-term hopes and aspirations. I can only do what I can now to steer in that direction. It's all we can do, right?
HUGS TO YOU and thank you for sharing your story.
I am very sorry for your loss my great friend @ meriq99, throughout my life I have come across many people who do not enjoy Christmas.
For me the holidays were never reasons for happiness, I do not know because I always feel distressed, I have not been through anything tragic that will prevent me from being happy, but the truth has never been achieved.
When my children were very young I wanted them to believe in magic and Christmas and Santa. It was a mission to have at least one day out of the ordinary. That all changed after I got divorced. Christmas stopped being magical for my boys because they were expected to visit everyone's house. It was exhausting and there was nothing fun about it. I'm so glad they are old enough to make their own plans and find their joy. I hope it includes a phone call to me. fingers crossed
Who says he does not know better and receives a visit. People work mysteriously.
I am so sorry for your loss but wouldn't it be a good idea to celebrate with who you have with you, making memories for you all to look back on. You don't have to buy anything your good with your art, anyway I still wish oj a Merry Christmas and all the very best for 2017 :)
Thank you for the Christmas wishes. I do love an opportunity to make a special meal and bake pies. That's a blessing. Otherwise it feels like an ordinary day with the exception of an obligatory phone call to relatives who we might not otherwise talk to. I know you know how that feels.
That's good bake yourself some lovely treats and sit back relax and remember the the lovely memories you had in your lost family :)
Do you have Christmas traditions? My father used to read T'was the Night Before Christmas every year. It didn't matter that we were all adults and have crocked on booze and food. LOL That was always fun with a large family gathering. It seemed to be the one time when we could all shut up and enjoy each other's company. Magic. :D
Yeah ever since my girls were little I hated it when they had opened there presents all the magic was gone so I started buying them a surprise for at the dinner table then another at tea time then new pjs and a dvd for bed meaning the magic lasted all day, I still do it now there 25 and 19
@merej99, why always tragedy near the holidays? Aunt killed herself on christmas, grandpa died on thanksgiving.
Why do people always die so near destination or near home?
You brought up a lot of memories with this post. Thank you for sharing my friend.
We just feel it more during the holidays. We're home with people we care about, or we're alone by ourselves but we're being inundated with messages that say to remember all of our family.
As we age more and more of the people who meant the most to us in the early years are gone.
We all have some random relative that died during the holidays especially if you stretch that to mean the 1/4th of the year from October to January.
If you mean that, then you're going to find that statistically speaking 25% or 1 in 4 people who die this year will die during that time frame.
I love Betty White!
I wish I knew those answers, @runridefly, because if I knew, I would do everything I could to stop it. When I worked in the obituary department of the daily newspaper, we always reserved extra pages from Thanksgiving until the first week after New Year's.
Well, you know some of what I am struggling and dealing with, which makes this worse this year with my injuries.
I already am not a fan of holidays like this for lots of reasons on top.
I was born in 71 like one of the people you showed that passed on -- and I guess you and I are about the same age.
If you want, you can drive to where I am E. of Toronto and hang out and we can eat pizza.
I am alone with no family and nobody really in my life, this year after the car running me over has shown me who cares and who doesn't while I struggle with everything now.
I am sorry for you losses, but I am glad you have your husband and some support.
Have a good week sister.
You have a good week too, @barrydutton.
Being in pain and being alone on the holidays sucks. Do you have any kind of local community support? Maybe you're not in physical condition to help at a local soup kitchen, but perhaps you can do something around the holidays to be around people? I'm partial to taking up floor space in the local bookstore with a coffee, a good book and the steady stream of crazed shoppers.
I get my kicks from observing humans. LOL
Don't think I've forgotten about you either. I have plans for a dedicated #payitforward post for you. HUGS.
Take care, you have my support. Personally, I don't give a * about these type of celebrations. They are an obligatory nuisance to me, where I am obliged to spend time with people in a group format who I rather only meet 1 on 1. So it is all a matter of sociocultural background and perspective. Much happiness can be gained if your happiness is no longer dependent on the presence of others. Often people feel bad about being alone on festive days because they believe that it is not supposed to be that way. That is a self-inflicted suffering.
I really love your perspective. My father was the family glue. After he died we kind of went our separate ways. I will never be offended if I'm out in public and people wish me a Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays. I'll even attend a holiday party and put on a "good face" even if I'm cringing on the inside. Lately I take the holidays to cherish the memories of my loved ones, meditate, treat myself to a wonderful meal. Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts.
It can be a hard time indeed especially when the media and the shops are ramming down our necks that we must buy buy buy. It's about finding those moments isn't it, whether making some nice food or flinging back hunners of whisky (that might just be me). I hope you have a nice time and can relax and enjoy yourself over the break. I will raise a glass to you on the day at the very least :0)
Whisky...
That's what's missing from my cupboards! Um.... for medicinal purposes, of course.
I'll be 45 in about 2 weeks - this could all be a hormonal shift too. I pity my husband sometimes.
45! That's quite the accomplishment!! Well that the way I like to look at it as I will be hot on your heels!!
Dear @merej99,
My heart goes out to you in your multiple losses and your sense of sadness at this time of year. I'm sorry the ones you wanted to hear you sing, did not. ); I sang for our congregation this morning, and will again Saturday night and next Sunday morning, God willing... A true blessing for me!
I'm so glad that you found a "Christmas Moment" reading one of John's stories... (John, of all people! -- Just kidding, John!) I pray that there will be more "moments" before your week is out. :)
A person is as a person does - "By their works ye shall know them..." - and my experience of you to date has been one of receiving your blessings, for which I am grateful! I pray that my Lord God, Jesus, may bless you greatly and surprise you with joy during this season!😄😇😄
I will take those blessings @creatr and pray that you receive all good things in turn. :) Thank you.
You're beyond welcome, Dear! ;)
:( This is a heavy read.
Sorry to hear about this merej99. I hope you manage to still find some fun in the holidays. <3 We live on with memories.
Sometimes it's hard. Stay strong. :)
Thank you @klye
I went through a few tissue writing it but actually feel better now that it's out of my system. A few years ago, I could barely get out of bed because I felt so heavy, focusing on how much I missed everyone. I still miss them and I often feel alone...but I am not lonely. I think that makes a huge difference. I think I'm good. Thank you.
Sometimes writing about it helps. I know it does for me anyways.
As they say "Time heals All"... Which may be bullshit.
Time however, Sometimes makes it easier to cope.
You aren't alone. Never will be. Cheers Lovely.