Raising Revolutionary Boys

Point of clarity: In a lot of places in this article, I use the word "boys" because I'm writing this article about raising boys, but a lot of these concepts apply to both boys and girls.

I want to revisit the series I did on raising revolutionary children in light of recent events and talk a bit about the responsibility we have as parents to raise boys who will help smash the patriarchy. As I discussed in the last post about recent abuse, the patriarchy is at the root of sexism, racism, homophobia, xenophobia, and destruction of the planet. The patriarchal obsession with power and money is the source of most of our problems.

When my first son was born, I had a bit of a crisis. I was a women's studies minor in college. My only brother is almost seven years older. I had no idea what to do with a boy. I had no idea what challenges boys faced. And the prospect of trying to raise this boy into a good man who would be kind, respectful, loving, and courageous was daunting beyond measure. I can say with confidence that the birth of every child is daunting. The responsibility is always a lot, but at least with girls, I know what I'm getting into.

My two boys and my girl

As it turns out, I did a damn good job raising that boy, mostly by myself. He's all those things, and he is also a feminist and a powerful warrior ready to take on the patriarchy and the capitalist system. So I want to look back at what I did with him that I think made a difference and hear your ideas on what helps boys grow into good men.

Emotional Intelligence

This is an obvious piece but still must be mentioned because it's so crucial, and I don't want to assume people are coming to this conversation knowing anything. It's one of the first things I noticed after having a baby boy. He still has a really sweet, soft face, and it was of course only more so when he was first born. People often assumed he was a girl. And they treated him differently after learning he's a boy. As a newborn infant, already, many people would talk the tough guy speak. I was horrified.

As he got older it only got worse, of course. Rough, tough, and anger are all acceptable, in fact encouraged. Sadness, kindness, gentleness, and compassion were certainly not encouraged, in fact they were discouraged. Shaming boys for their emotions is common and incredibly damaging. It was infuriating. Anyone who told him not to cry or to toughen up got a big, fat earful from me, but of course I couldn't be there all the time. US culture is rife with toxic masculinity. Shamed boys lash out, and girls are often on the receiving end of that.

It's so important to teach our boys to be kind, loving, and compassionate. Buy them dolls. Help them be gentle in their interactions with other children and animals. Give them exposure to as many other kinds of people as possible. Boys who know people of different religions, ethnicities, socio-economic classes, and sexual orientations will be more compassionate and willing to speak up when they see those who are marginalized being abused. Traveling to developing countries is, I think, particularly helpful. They need to be thoughtful and considerate. Teach them to respect each other and listen to each other. Teach them that crying is important, that our emotion is a beautiful part of our humanity. We have to double up on this message to our boys because the message they are getting from the mainstream culture is quite the opposite.

Teach them to be respectful, especially of women. I'm not talking about the bullshit respect supposedly shown by manners either. I'm southern, so I like manners, and I think they're nice, but it's not the same as respect. I'm talking about really respecting people simply because they're another soul in this beautiful life journey. Teach them courage. Not the bullshit bravado kind of courage. I'm talking about the real courage to stand always for what is right and to speak up when you see any form of abuse of power. Teach them to communicate. Boys who know how to communicate what's happening and how they are feeling are, again, far less likely to abuse others and far more likely to stand up for the marginalized.

Giving Boys their Power Back

I talked a bit in the last article about the shocking lack of power children have over their own bodies. Spanking is, to me, an incredibly basic violation of bodily autonomy. For someone to not be free from physical violations and totally incapable of protecting themselves is absolutely a part of the problem. Quite simply it teaches children that hitting is an acceptable way to solve a problem, especially if you are a lot bigger than the other person. It's also ineffective in terms of real and lasting behavior change.

It goes on, though. I feel ill when I see people force their kids to give a hug or kiss or even a fist bump to someone when they don't want to. Being forced to touch someone is very obviously and easily linked to sexual abuse. Children who have power over their own bodies and lives learn to make good decisions because they begin by deciding what they do and don't do with their bodies. If a child is cold, they'll put on a coat, especially if there is no power struggle happening. There's really no need to push it.

It's a part of why I feel so passionately about unschooling. Even if you don't take it that far, it's really helpful to allow your boys to make choices about their lives so they can practice making good - and bad - choices. Even simple stuff like letting them pick what they want to wear. I seriously never understood why anyone cared about my children's unique fashion sense. Children who have control over their own lives don't seek to steal power by abusing others. Having choices also promotes responsibility. Children make their choices, and they're responsible for the consequences - good and bad - of those choices. It's good to learn that choices have consequences when they are young and the consequences are less serious.

Let them pick who they do and don't want to play with. While it's important for children to be kind and of course be taught to never discriminate against another child based on mental or physical ability or race or gender or religion or anything of that sort, there is absolutely no reason they should be forced to like or play with everyone. We don't like everyone. I have loads of people I choose not to hang out with. Respect their choices and their instincts, and I guarantee they will be more compassionate with others.

Speaking up and other forms of bucking authority

This idea that children must always obey authority is madness. Here again, this is a big part of how sexual abuse keeps happening. Abused children are often told they have to obey and allow the abuse and also keep it a secret. Please, please allow your boys to have their own opinions. Allow them to disagree with you. Ask them to make their case. Allow them to disagree with each other. Show them the flaws in our political and economic systems. If they're in school, don't force them to always agree with the teacher. Encourage them to speak their truth always. I believe strongly in being respectful. We don't have to be rude or aggressive, but we do have to speak up. Again, children who are allowed to have their own power in this way - even if you don't agree with what they are saying - will not seek to steal power through hateful actions. They will also learn to speak up when something is wrong.

In the end I believe it is most important we give our boys plenty of love and affection. It's important boys receive plenty of love from both men and women in their lives. Boys who know they are loved will be more compassionate with others and will also stand for the marginalized and seek to dismantle the patriarchy. It's time, and I believe parenting may be the most important work any of us ever do.

Add to it! Let me know what you think we need to be teaching our boys.