A man’s quick guide: How not to screw up at your woman’s pregnancy and childbirth

I often find myself awake at 3 AM some nights in the middle of the work week, holding an unwell child that cannot sleep. At times, in that darkened room, back breaking from hours of comforting those twelve restless kilograms I love, I feel a frightening, consuming rage directed towards that fragile form. It is a distress difficult to process in the light of day, but it does serve to illustrate the contradictory, and at times terrifying, nature of parenthood.
I’m reasonably new at this- I have two human kids(and one canine); a girl of four and a boy of one.

I do not hesitate in saying that becoming a parent has very firmly and decisively ended my youth, and that I miss the freedoms that I took for granted once. I can also say, without a shadow of doubt, that it was a worthwhile trade; fatherhood (and for that matter co-parenthood) has thrown open doors in my psyche that I did not know existed.
In hindsight, it was a good move to become a parent only in my late thirties (I was 38 when my daughter was born) because I was ready to let go of much of my lifestyle. I was also lucky to hook up with a woman with a burning passion to understand, and improve the experience of, pregnancy and childbirth; so much so that she made a career out of it.
So without further ado, based on my experience, here are some pointers towards ensuring a better pregnancy and childbirth for your woman and child:

1. UNLEARN much of what you have learned from movies and TV-you know how in movies and TV shows as soon as the pregnant woman’s water breaks, everyone just loses it and hurtles towards the hospital straight out of the climax of a Fast and Furious movie? When my wife’s water broke, we went to the supermarket to but groceries, and then home for a nap. Most general wisdom about pregnancy and childbirth is obtained from movie and TV show scriptwriters, and has nothing to do with reality.
   As soon as friends and family find out that you have a baby on the way, expect a gushing of homilies, advice and first-second-third-hand experiences of pregnancy and childbirth. Make no mistake-there is (well-intentioned)advice out there that will hurt your woman and child, so until you can find out the facts for yourself, nod and mumble politely when your auntie’s neighbour tells you that you shouldn’t have sex while pregnant.

2. BE THERE for her no matter what-this should be the biggest thing in your life while it’s happening. You’re about to bring a human into this world, and it’s a massive responsibility-yours as much as hers. She’s going to go through the most challenging physical and emotional transformation of her life, and if there is a time to stand up and be counted, this is it. Sacrifices will have to be made, you are going to have to bite your tongue and take lots of deep breaths. If you have to give up your boys’ nights out for a while, or something equally important, so be it. You’ve done those things, and will hopefully get a chance to do them again, but accept that this is a special time and it’s never going to come back-your companionship is setting the foundation for the life of your child and the relationship that will carry you into the last days of your life.

3. PREPARE TO LOSE HER to motherhood. I wish I could phrase this softer, but it’s better if I lay it out straight. The woman you knew is gone for good, but it’s not a bad thing at all. Becoming a mother will transform your woman physically as well as mentally. During the pregnancy, hormones guide the development of the baby and it’s often going to be hellish on her and your relationship. She will go through some pretty crazy mood swings that will leave you bewildered and at times infuriated, and you will have to absorb all of that and more. The intimacy of a couple will be lost eventually to be replaced by the warmth of a family, but it will take some doing.

4. DO NOT BE FEARFUL: Fear is often used to manipulate pregnant couples- I routinely hear from my wife of women whose OB-GYNs need to leave for vacation around their delivery date, and build up a trivial medical issue into a major one so that they book a C-section at the earliest opportunity so that the doc could go on a vacation right after. Friends and relatives also contribute greatly to the atmosphere of fear, readily sharing horror stories about deliveries gone wrong. This is not to say that all OB-GYNs are the same or that the opinions of doctors and/or well-wishers should be discounted, but that one needs to be careful not to give into uninformed, irrational fear.

5. TAKE A CHILDBIRTH EDUCATION CLASS: This is the best thing that you could do to fight fear and misinformation. Lamaze International is one of several organisations (just do a Google search for Childbirth Education) whose mission is to advance safe and health pregnancy, birth and early parenting through evidence-based education and advocacy. Find a centre near you and take the time to attend childbirth education classes; they offer a variety of online and offline courses-it will make a huge difference to your confidence and ability as parents-to-be!

6. FIND A GOOD CARE PROVIDER: This is by far the most important decision that you will take in your journey to become parents. This decision influences the following-
   The care you receive and the effects of that care on you and your baby.
   The quality of your relationship with your care provider(s).
   How much information you get.
   The choices and options you will have, particularly during labor and birth.
   Your involvement with decisions about your care.
   It may take some time and energy to find the right care provider, but making the right decision is well worth the effort. Also, make sure that the care provider you choose will okay with you (the father) being there in the room while the delivery is happening.

7. UNDERSTAND WHAT IS BEST FOR HER AND THE BABY: This is a tricky one, but I’m going to talk about it anyway. There is a mountain of evidence that says that drug-free natural childbirth (vaginal delivery) is the best way to give birth, but it’s hard, and may not always be possible. Birth isn’t a medical event, but it often becomes one.
   Not all women can handle labour pain equally well, and it’s common for a woman in agonising labour pain to ask for an Epidural. When my wife was in Labour, we had agreed that I was to dissuade her from taking an Epidural even if she asked for one. My resolve was tested pretty hard, but in the end we did manage the delivery without drugs-this may not be the case with everyone, and it’s important to accept our limitations and go easy on oneself if things don’t go as planned.
   In a nutshell-gather all the information needed and do your best. Don’t burden yourself and your woman with the expectations of what you think is the best option for her and the baby, but respect her individuality and circumstances while offering wholehearted support.

8. KEEP THE DELIVERY INTIMATE: In India, where I live, it is obligatory for the entire family to turn up at the hospital at the time of delivery. This is a terrible idea, because things very rarely go as planned and remember that delivering a baby is a process almost completely dependent on feel-good hormones flowing through the mom-to-be. You don’t want worried parents and in-laws hovering around, ooh-ing and ahh-ing at every contraction-that is a recipe for disaster. Better to hurt a few feelings now rather than botch what will be one of the most important processes you will ever be part of.
   As I mentioned before, make sure that you are there in the delivery room with her, be it a normal delivery or C-section. This is vital; your presence at this time will go far in establishing a strong bond with your woman and child. It is well established that holding the newborn baby in skin-to skin contact right after delivery strengthens the bond between parent and child-this is true for Dads and well, and a fantastic experience that you do not want to miss.
   

9. CONSIDER GETTING A DOULA: A Doula is something of a pregnancy and childbirth Coach-a companion for your woman who shadows her during the pregnancy and delivery, offering the advice and support that only a woman can offer another and looking after her interests (disclosure: my wife is a Doula). My wife had a Doula too, a good friend of hers offered her services and it made all the difference. Getting a Doula, if you can afford it, goes a long way towards a healthy pregnancy and gentle childbirth.

In conclusion- educate yourself, guard against fear, surround yourself with positive people and get ready to fall down the rabbit hole that is parenthood!