I Hit 500 Followers! (Bonus Pictures I can't post on Facebook)(NSFW)

I wouldn't say that I'm a classy girl. I revel in imagining myself to be the female Bukowski. I want to be accepted for my crassness instead of my classiness. I "dress like a slut" on the weekends and try not to shy away from being "unladylike." I was once told that boys don't like it when you eat a lot at dinner. That means: He likes it when you disappear. Being classy can often be mutated into shrinkage. When I was younger I barely dared to expose my shoulders. When I started climbing into my own body, it felt like a rebirth. I realized that I was worthy to exist, bare or clothed.

(I didn't take this picture - but I can no longer find the photographer online!)

Fuck that. I want to live my the life I want to - I want to drink beer and make out with strangers I just met and carry a knife to the dog park and wear combat boots and have gloriously beautiful blonde hair and post naked pictures on the Internet. I want to write without cringing at the words that used to make me ashamed. I'm not really an exhibitionist - but sometimes living the way that you want to, without apology, is an exhibit in itself.

Anyway, I just recently hit 500 followers after being on steemit since the end of June. I never imagined I'd get to 500 followers, and make so much steem. Thank you to everyone who follows and reads my stuff, and ultimately believes in my weird, existential, fumbling through the dark strata of the universe style of writing. I was a "model" for a hot minute and I thought I'd share a few pictures that I couldn't share on Facebook. One of the great things about steemit - no censorship!

(Photo by me)

I started modeling because it made me uncomfortable - because I craved the freedom to be able to pose and have people really see my body, but was terrified of it. Everyone knows the only way to not be afraid anymore is to confront it, so I threw myself into it, first having my girlfriend at the time take pictures of me, then graduating to ModelMayhem and Facebook groups. (I'm 5'2, I could never hit a runway).I'm thinking about possibly dragging my camera out again shooting some more self portraits. I find the human body endlessly fascinating, but I got bored of being pretty and craved something more interesting. I was getting bored posing for hours in photo-shoots, so I just dropped it and went back to writing only to get more of the same. And in a way I'd conquered and accomplished the reason that I wanted to model in the first place. I could look at my own self in the eyes, and not flinch.

(This one was taken by Dark Matter Zone)

Well, maybe after I finish the novel.

I know you don't follow me for the pictures, that's not what this is about. This is about a revealing - exploring the extra dimensions of how you see me, and how I see you. Maybe a girl who writes on fire like I do shouldn't show her ass to strangers on the Internet. People tell me that I'm a chameleon, that I despise labeling or adhering to stereotypes. But it's not about being "original," just want to be the most myself - and that means following your own likes or dislikes without caring about whether or not they fit into the general offered schema.

If the world tells you that you don't belong, you must make your own space. You must break out of the confines that others have falsely told you exist around you. What I love the most about steemit is that it gives people the freedom to be their own self, and get paid for it. People are rewarded not for doing work that they don't enjoy for someone else, but for searching deep within their own selves and sharing it with their peers. When I wanted to be a writer, that's all I really wanted to do - to spend the rest of my life pursuing my own happiness, my own authentic self.

Thank you again!

---

Follow me on twitter, facebook, or on my website. You can also buy my books here.
Stock photo from Pixabay

Other posts you may be interested in:
PTSD Recovery: Another Door of Perception
Wine, The Universe, Everything
We Weren't Born To Be Happy, But We Can Make It So
A Writer Is Never Satisfied [Poetry]
A Thought So Powerful That It Burns To The Touch
Notes For Writers I Met at a Local Meet-n-Greet