Don’t You Think I Know Where I Live?

There are many difficult things about living in Philadelphia. Granted, many of the things are subjective — being 60 miles inland, not smelling the ocean when I step outside, the dirth of Wawas, et al.

There are a few things that I am absolutely failing to understand about this strange place. For instance, I am all about taking pride in my home and the good things that come from my home:

• Pork Roll
  
• Bubbakoo’s Burritos (https://www.bubbakoos.com)
• Kohr Bros. (http://www.kohrbros.com/)
• The NY (football) Giants and NY Jets actually play in NJ
• Conquest Comics (https://conquestcomics.com/)
• Frank Sinatra, Frankie Valli, Bruce Springsteen, Jon Bon Jovi, Bud Abbot, Buzz Aldrin, Loretta Swit, Kevin Smith and Jason Mewes (aka “Jay and SIlent Bob”), Zach Braff, Martin Truex Jr., Dionne Warwick, Patrick Warburton, Jack Nicholson, Shaquille O'Neal…

However, there is something to be said about the rampant hostility that I receive from people here in Philly. I know that, as a NY Mets and Yankees fan, I will be on the receiving end of a TON of heat. However, there is an expectation that I am supposed to start rooting for the Phillies. I’ve made it abundantly clear that this is a temporary situation — I am here for at most 5 years, and during the course of each year, I am here for 2 semesters. So realistically, I will be spending ⅔ of the 5 years here, 40 months in total.

And then I get to go home to New Jersey. So why would I trade loyalties for sports teams for which I have been cheering since the 1980’s?

Let me ask these blokes another question: pack up your bags and move out to California, are you going to stop cheering for the Eagles just because you have the Raiders, the 49ers, the Chargers, and the Rams there? Or if I want to really rankle some Eagles fans, let’s move to Dallas and make you all Cowboys fans.

[Sidebar: The team name is “Eagles,” not “Iggles.” Learn to speak English, you savages…]

While we are at it, after opening week of NFL (American football), with the Eagles’ 32-27 victory, it was officially declared by every single Eagles fan that I encountered — either in-person or on social media — that the Eagles were going all the way to the Superbowl and were going to take it all. However, it would seem that after this past weekend’s disastrous loss to the Atlanta Falcons (24-20), the Eagles are terrible and the entire season is over and there is no point to going on whatsoever and we can never recover.

That’s some extreme reaction, dontcha think? Do I really want to join such a pendulum-shifting group of crazies?

Adding to this awkwardness is the layout — or lack thereof — concerning the city streets of this “fair” city. See, one of the reasons why I love Manhattan so much is because it is relatively easy to navigate — it is arrayed in a grid-like pattern, and even the parts that are “squiffy” are still far easier to navigate than parts of Philly. There are streets that look like they should be continuous, and yet they are not — there are several blocks that break up streets and in almost all of NJ and the rest of the God-fearing world, these would then be separate streets. It’s like it was thrown together with absolutely no thought or foresight. It is incredible… I have no idea how First Responders can navigate this place without losing their gorram minds… Honestly…

I mean, N 53rd St. is just a crappin' mess...

And I would think that it would be an essential thing for First Responders to have greater ease of navigation, considering that this town had to actually grease the traffic and telephone poles throughout the city when the Eagles won the Superbowl in 2018, and there were threats of riots whether the Eagles won or lost.

Man, what a time to be alive in the city of Philadelphia.

Lastly… OK, while I have criticized the geographic layout of the city, it should be noted that I have a degree in Geography, so I like maps and mapping and I enjoy a great city layout. But there is a whole thing about this place that drives me up the wall — “I’m going down the shore.” This is a cheese grater on my eardrums, and for several reasons:

• This is grammatically incorrectly — you are not going “down the basement,” you are going “down to the basement.” In fact, even with some southbound traveling to places in NJ like Wildwood and Cape May, you are still going “down to the shore.”
  
  This is not a downward direction along the beach and/or through beach towns, and even the grey route, while southbound, is not along the beach
• Only people from North Jersey can use the phrase “going down the shore” without it bothering me — not out of a bias, but due to the geographic correctness of the statement, especially if are traveling along routes such as the Garden State Parkway or Route 35 or Route 36. This is akin to “going down the stairs” and is technically correct because the stairs are not a destination but a means of arrival or transit to a destination. Examples:
  
  
  Both of these illustrate a southbound directionality that takes one either close to or directly through beach towns.
• And for the love of Bob, it is the beach. I know, I live there. I am from there. It is my home. I didn’t come to this backwards-arse city with a hodge-podge of names in Dutch, Welsh, and other assorted languages and start renaming everything because I feel like it. I’m a wee bit tired of being told that I am from “down the shore” in one breath and then being told in the next “our vacation is your life.” And you’re damn right it is! You admit that you visit at my home — so don’t bloody tell me what to call it!

On top of that, there have been forceful attempts to correct me when I say that I am from “the beach.” Like, it has roused some anger in people, but bro, here’s the proof:

• Long Beach Island
• Point Pleasant Beach
• Island Beach State Park
• Monmouth Beach
• Beach Haven
• North Beach

I know that I have shared that before, but just to emphasize the point… Granted, there are references to the Jersey Shore, but that is not really what those of us who live there year-round and full-time call it.

tl;dr — I am not changing my teams just because I have temporarily moved to a city that has the planning equivalent of monkeys banging on typewriters, I am not changing the name of your home, so stop changing the name of my home. Also, you are crazy-irrational about your sports teams, and I think that either (1) you need a priest or (2) as Sterling Archer once said:

And on that note...