My 2018 - This is my Hobby: People Watching

When I saw the contest post of @anomadsoul, I told myself I want to join it and I know a lot of people will join, too. I love how the contest rules dig deep into the psychology of why you do what you do. Days ago, I wanted to start writing for an entry and I decided to check the first few entries sent already, I was intimidated by all of them. They were all good stories of hobbies, and the people who joined were really good with what they do. I doubted myself and thought, I don't think I can make anything better than those I've seen. My hobby is different from all of theirs. Now, it's almost the deadline, something tells me I just have to share it. I think it would be fun for me to story-tell about what I do during my free hours and why I do it. Who knows others may consider doing it and it might help them see things in a different perspective.

Image Source: Pixabay

I've been doing people watching for 10 years now. Some may say, what the heck is people watching? Is that even a hobby? It is, for me. A hobby is something you often do on your pastime for relaxation and pleasure. People watching or crowd watching fits that description in my case.

It started 2008, when I lived alone in a big city far away from home. It was my first time to be away and alone. Adulting, some call it. What a strange thing people go through. How you are naturally growing and life forces you to build yourself, have a career, make your own decisions, think and plan long term and many tough changes. Many mistakes, too. A series of ups and downs, fears and doubts. Building relationships, falling in and falling out of love. An age of great confusion. I had a budding career, a choice I must do because at the age of 21, I already had a baby to feed. Crushing the dream of making it to medical school and be a doctor.

Image Source: Pixabay

Life was kind, I had a high paying job, but early on I knew money wasn't all I needed. I was broken in many aspects, being a single mom and having disappointed my mother in some ways. I said hello to depression. Having no one else to talk to and missing everybody back home, it was difficult to process what I was doing with my life and if I was even on the right track. I became a workaholic, I worked beyond my shift and earned me more money. I thought, I had nothing to do here, might as well spend all time for the money. Later, I realized, not only did it make me even more sad, it made me more tired and it made me hate the job I was in. A burnout.

Image Source: Pixabay

I knew I needed balance. I took trips back home, it helped but still painful. Having to leave home again and be back to work in the big city was a painful episode, it kills me everytime. Back in the big city, I know I had to break the routine. I knew I needed something else than just work, eat and sleep. I had to have a hobby that won't demand so much of me. I was usually overworked that my weekends, my off days would be spent sleeping all day. I gained a few kilos and was not looking healthy. Depression was getting stronger as I was having this changes. Self image, confidence, self-esteem, self-worth was down. I was so lost with everything, I was uninspired.

Having a degree in psychology, I knew everything was up to me to fix. I knew I needed to process myself and get up and fix the mess in me. I was very near-sighted those days. I saw nothing but how life beats me and how everything in me does not make sense. Everything I saw were the faults in my life, how it's going nowhere, how it is sad, boring, and nothing fun. I knew I needed to see things in a different perspective, I knew I had to change the mindset, I knew I needed to reach out. I knew I needed people.

Image Source: Pixabay

I'm a little bit introverted. Making friends is a struggle for me because I know how trust is golden and must not be given to just anyone. I gained a few casual friends, and that was a good thing. It was fun seeing them in the workplace, have chit chats. Then I wondered if these people lived a life like me. Do they just work, eat and sleep and miss people they love and then nothing? I have questioned what others do and how they live their lives. Opening up and talking to them, I realized they had their own struggles. They too had their problems. Like me, they felt like they are in a maze, confused of how to make it.

Image Source: Pixabay

That was a good start. Hearing people out, reaching out and talking to them made me realize I am not alone and life is not so cruel to just me alone. I tried to meet more people, people outside the office. It wasn't easy to make friends with strangers but I knew they too can tell me something about life.

One day I was out to go to church, that big city was famous for a church landmark and I thought I'd go ahead and check it out. It was in a busy old street where a market stood and trade stalls where all around it. I saw people from all walks of life. I saw something I am unfamiliar. Basically, I saw something beyond the four walls of my room and the four walls of my office. It looks like my second birth. This is life! This is how others live. People struggle, even worse than I do. Thank God I do not need to carry that big basket of fruits. How heavy is that? That woman with a child begging, where is she from? That laborer covered in cement, does he even bathe? These kids selling flowers, how old are they? That wrinkled old woman, where are her kids, does she have any? Why do these people do these odd jobs on the street, can they not have anything better? I desperately wanted to know their story.

Image Source: Pixabay

For the first time, I saw things in a different perspective. I saw a bigger picture beyond me. I saw society. I saw people and their own lives they have to live. What I saw inspired me. Yes, it made me sad but at the same time it inspired me to live my life better because I knew then how blessed I am. How it is normal to struggle and strive because it's the same for most of us. You are no exception. Stop complaining because you do not have it as bad as others do. There are others who would want to be you any day. It cheered me up, cleared my thoughts. I was learning life with just watching a crowd.

I can already bear the challenges, I made more friends, workmates and strangers. I no longer spend the weekends in my room. I go out, I discovered malling. The big city has huge and airy malls and people go there, too. We have a weird weather in the Philippines, it's too hot some days and too rainy some days so a mall can provide you that comfort of being out but enjoying it indoors. So I started people watching in the mall. That saleslady, is she allowed to sit during her shift? Can the staff in the restaurant bring free food to their families? How come parents can allow this unruly kids in this crowd? These people who are out alone, are they feeling like I do?

Image Source: Pixabay

I tried to make stories out of every character I see in the mall. They weren't all good stories as I saw a lot of sad faces. I saw people fighting in public. I saw lovers. I saw couples arguing. I saw people just going to the mall to watch the big LED TV display that showed High Def animation movies. I saw people who were there to shop their hearts out. I saw people who were just there to lounge in the breastfeeding area because it's too hot outside. In everything that I saw, I always saw struggle. How man coped with life. How man moved to survive. How man made the most of the moment. How man tried to enjoy it.

Image Source: Pixabay

Fast forward to this day, I have a chronic illness. I have kidney failure, stage 5, end stage. When I was diagnosed almost 2 years ago my mom begged heavens to just have me here, alive. In the ICU I could hear her whisper, "You don't have to do a thing from now on, just live. I cannot bear to lose another child. I love you. Please fight to live." And I did. I made it through series of operations, I am now on a life support treatment for life, which is dialysis. A very expensive treatment but my mom takes care of it. I am officially a disabled, unemployed, single mom that depends on her mom for everything. For a long time I was depressed. Being diagnosed with a life long illness that will eventually kill you a few years later is not easy. Depression made me isolate and avoid people. I went back to self-pity. I went back to just seeing myself and being beaten, being down. My mom loves me but somehow she is enabling the solitude, the isolation, because she does not want me out for the fear that I might get even sicker and die. She monitored everything, she made sure my life was at home and some days during dialysis sessions which is 3x a week, I'd be in the hospital with a guardian. It became a routine and I was getting deeper into depression.

Image Source: Pixabay

One day as my thoughts were going down the memory lane, in my deep thoughts I remember that day in that crowded market in the big city where I saw people from all walks of life. I asked myself how are they? How are others? Am I the only one hitting rock bottom? I reached out and found people in Facebook. I found a friend in Donna, @dunnadelirium, another dialysis patient. She dared me to go out alone. She dared me to feel normal again because she made it and she thought I can. I reached out and found a dear friend.

Image Source: Pixabay

Then I sneaked out. I went malling. My body trembling, I was shaking with anxiety. I am no longer that person that I used to be. I have nothing. What would I feel around people who have their lives looking figured out? It was all too familiar, I still see people struggling. I still see people having worse than I do. My mom did not like the idea of me going out alone, she was upset. I told her, I needed it. I am not spending the rest of my counted days in my room then die. She cried, she does everything to give me everything I need, she just asks one thing, for me to be alive. I told her, me too. I want to live and living is not doing nothing. Living is out in the world enjoying every moment you have.

Image Source: Pixabay

It was a struggle between me and my mom. I frequented being in the hospital then sneaking to the mall. It was making me see a different perspective, again. I negotiated with my mom. I told her I do not need a guardian. She was surprised, she hated the idea. I wanted freedom. So, I made sure we meet halfway. I managed everything independently. I took my meds on time, I showed my mom I can do things on my own. I made myself an emergency medical ID. I made myself a medical bracelet. I made a screensaver and a scrolling marquee on my phone that had all my emergency contacts and my illness details. I invested in a fitness band that would beep if I had a bad heart rate. I was determined to be out alone and do people watching. These things will help me be out there and if something happens, my mom would know. I needed these lifehacks.

Image Source: Pixabay

It's not all because I just want to feel better, to be independent and faking being normal and well. It's because of the situation that I am in. I have seen patients lose their mobility and sight. I know it could happen to me one day. As my illness progresses, my body will deteriorate. So, I want to travel as much as I can, I want to see things while I can. I want to experience life while I still can. People watching is not expensive. You can have your way around it, you can bring your own snacks and water and just be out watching people making their stories in your mind. Inspiring yourself to hold on and give yourself more reasons to live.

Image Source: Pixabay

Now, people watching is my therapy. I enjoy being out there feeling like I'm a part of a big whole and I see others as pieces of the universe like I am. Some days I feel so blessed because I still see others have it worse than I do, like in the hospital. Some days, I feel bad being me, I feel sorry for myself for being ill. But people watching always shows me a different perspective, a positive outlook, that it's all okay because that is life. Despite the fact that I am dying at a fast rate, I still feel grateful to be able to watch everything. Besides, we all are dying, aren't we? I'm terribly sick and it's a sad fact, but the fact that I can still go carry myself in a crowd and be out and enjoy these little things, I feel like everyday is a gift and life gives me a miracle.

Thank you @anomadsoul for this wonderful contest. I am into a lot of problems lately but your contest inspired me to snap out of it and write and try to inspire others and let them realize how my hobby, people watching can help others, too. I hope some people find this as a good read. Thank you so much, more power. I appreciate all you do here in Steemit. Thanks to your sponsors and the judge of this contest @eveuncovered.

Everyday is a miracle. Live it the best way you can.