Many let someone live in our hearts with one condition: that does not break anything. We take action and warn, but still they do and they catch us off guard. It occurs when there is, for example, a rupture without explanation, when from one day to the next they throw magical powders and disappear as entities from beyond, without a "we have to talk", "then I call you" or "I'm sorry, this is is over".

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They say, that all broken people are made of badly resolved stories. Somehow, most drag pending issues that oscillate in our minds, evoking uncomfortable remnants of that past that still stings. Now, sometimes the subject is more complicated. Because more than being made of badly resolved chapters, what is in us are stories without an end, shadows of people who left us overnight without giving a reason.

"Abandoned field, proclaimed fire".

We know that the subject is not new. In the United States, accustomed to giving a label to each trait, behavior or dynamics, they call it "ghosting". That act of vanishing from someone's life -with which until recently an affective bond was maintained- is something more than recurrent, to the point that, on average, we all get (on average) one or two disappearances ghosts. Or worse, we may even be the ones who carry out this behavior.

Thus, and although it is often said that leaving someone without giving an explanation is a male art, we must consider a couple of aspects. Abandoning without giving a reason is not an art, it is a disregard and a feature of immaturity. Also, this act does not have male exclusivity. Men and women carry it out, and more in this era of new technologies where it is possible to end a relationship with a single click and / or a simple block.

Terminal without explanation and the unsuccessful search for why

There is no written law that tells us before leaving someone, you have to tell them why. Nobody forces us to that final conversation, to list one by one the reasons of our decision, of the change. Neither have we signed a contract that obliges us to explain why the heart no longer beats in the same way or why the illusion has expired.

That's right, nobody governs the rules of what should be done or not in an affective relationship. However, there is the sense of ethics, of moral and emotional respect, there is maturity and courage. Therefore, and since this type of principles do not come from the factory, but in the upbringing, there are many people who must face a break without explanation and what it entails.

Although there is not too much clinical literature on all those psychological processes that the abandoned person tends to experience, we can say that they almost always concur in the same dynamics. They are the following:

* The person is unable to assume the relationship as completed. In the absence of a clear explanation, it enters into an unsuccessful dynamic to resume contact, to arrange a meeting. All this leads to greater anxiety, despair and the impossibility of closing that stage.

* It is not the same to leave a relationship knowing the cause that originated it to be abandoned from one day to the next for no reason. The doubts, the attempt to rationalize the irrational, leads the person in many occasions to feel guilty. To think that he or she is the reason for that abandonment.

* The period of mourning can last for months and even not end. That open wound, that permanent doubt creates a void where resentment, frustration and distrust begins to settle. This means that it is very complicated to start new relationships or that these are of quality.

How termanal with your partner without explanation?

There are no abandonments without motives. Ruptures without explanation occur more frequently than we think and it is necessary to know how to handle them, respond to them and, most importantly, survive them. Let's see some guidelines that can help us in these cases.

Accept the evidence

Calls that are not answered, messages that are not returned. Social profiles blocked. Days that become weeks where there is no communication, no contact or even less presence. Contacts, friends and relatives of that person who dodge us and give us excuses ...

We could consider more clues, but the evidence that supports the idea of

abandonment and a break is clear. Avoid lengthening the inevitable and proceed to the acceptance of what has happened: a farewell we have to pronounce for the other before his silence.

Validate

They will tell you about "pass page", "assume it", "forget that person". Well, all this will come a little later. The first and most necessary step is to validate ourselves and what we feel. It is time to recognize the wound, to cry, to externalize that pain and to rediscover ourselves with that fragmented being.

We must let it happen and let it flow.

Take responsibility

No matter how hard we try, it will not always be possible to make an appointment with that person to give us a reason why. And that is something that we must assume: we will be obliged to give shape to a duel without final conversation. We are going to have to give ourselves a resolution to that chapter, and for that we must combine courage and responsibility.

* Responsibility first and foremost with ourselves. Because if they have left us, the last thing we have to do is abandon ourselves. We must take the reins and understand that we are 100% responsible for our own recovery. There is no turning back, it is over to try to contact, beg a new appointment or devise plans to coincide with who has left us.

Time and work: pain and anger management

If there is something that remains after a break without explanation, it is pain and anger. We must understand that these two dimensions do not fade away alone with the passage of time. They are resistant, they embed themselves and they can completely condition our life.

Let us learn, therefore, to handle them. To do this, it is advisable to start new activities, use the support of friends and family, start projects that excite us and allow us to channel those complex emotions that undermine identities and veto new happiness.

Focus on the present moment to heal

Who is facing a break without explanation lives anchored in the past and in the conditional time. What would have happened if instead of that he had done the other thing? What if he had said this? Why did not I realize what ...? "

This type of reasoning is a source of undoubted suffering.

To overcome this pain of reiterative dyes and to advance in our grief, it is necessary to leave a space for the present. Facing the current moment with openness, resilience and dignity, will allow us to break that bond of pain that anchors us to the past.

Finally, we have one more task. Make our current suffering a constructive learning. It is clear that few pains are as deep as the wound of abandonment, however, our human potential can allow us to get out of it. We can survive that break without explanation, we can continue because we have tools for it.

If you like my writing I invite you to read my previous article:

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