Welcome To ClickFunnels. You Suck.
Can't believe I'm fucking broke. How pathetic.
I didn't even go broke in some cool way, like risking all of my money on some exciting new venture. I just bled out like some disease-ridden animal.
How the fuck did this happen?
Perhaps even more troublesome is this question that I can't answer: how come I haven't made it all back yet?
What the fuck is wrong with me?
How the mighty have fallen
It's been a rough couple of months for me. Not to complain or sound like a little bitch or anything, but I can't seem to make any money for the life of me. I don't think I've signed up a new client since coming to Thailand in December. Six months I haven't brought a new dollar into my bank account that wasn't already on its way.
Well, that's not entirely true. I have been crushing the affiliate marketing lately. Okay fine, not crushing it. But I make enough to eat raw meat and peanuts every night.
Honestly it's pathetic how much money I'm making. What the fuck happened to me?
I'll tell you what happened: ClickFunnels.
Ugh. That word will haunt me till the day I die.
Three months of my life - THREE FUCKING MONTHS - I've been trying to figure this shit out on my own. And I've struck out on nearly every single god damn front.
Sure, I can crank out 4k word sales letters that are genuinely entertaining (in my completely unbiased opinion).
Then why haven't you made any money?
I... I don't know.
And why haven't you signed up any affiliates? OH I'm sorry, you've signed up one. In three months.
Doesn't it BOTHER you how people who act like they're suffering from chronic traumatic encephelopathy are crushing it, posting pictures of their vacation on Instagram with spelling mistakes in their captions? Doesn't that piss you off?
I KNOW you man. I know you see that shit and it makes you SEETHE.
You're a vain, glory-seeking attention whore who is never satisfied with his little YouTube-comment-induced dopamine spikes. And the WORST part is that you pretend like you're not. You make it seem like you're just doing it "because you work in online marketing." Fuck off.
Fine, I want the glory. So what?
Her? She wasn't even a blip on the radar. Literally a one time thing, maybe one and a half. Ugh.. why do you even bring her up? Don't remind me.
Don't remind you what - that you thought she was an airhead when you met her? That you thought she was just a self-improvement-seminar-groupie and would never become a millionaire like she said?
Dog, if you had met her back then, you would have said the same thing. How could I have known that she'd become one of the top ClickFunnels affiliates?
I couldn't believe it when I saw her videos, but there she was - the same girl I may or may not have hooked up with when I was an Uber-driving yoga-addicted loser, staring me in the face and trying to pitch me on some fucking info product about webinars.
It's a bitch, isn't it. To see someone who you thought was so beneath His Majesty Yalla Papi blow past you into everything you're spinning your wheels trying to reach - all despite your "superior" intellect. Fame, glory, the adoration of thousands of wanna-be hot air balloon clones just like you.
Seethe Papi, seethe.
You're loving this aren't you. Fine, you're right. Are you happy now? I don't even know why I bother listening to you. You're not even real.
Oh I'm real baby, and I'm not even the only one. You've known that for a while. We even talked about it on the way over here while you were having a wander through Asakusa. There's more of us too - WAY more.
Why don't you give us more attention, hmm? Why do you compartmentalize and separate us from each other? Why can't we just be one big happy family? What are you so afraid of?
Yeah.. I know. You're right. I've been thinking that for a while. But it's not so easy to reconcile your on-and-offline personalities into a single coherent voice.
"It's not easy" - listen to this faggot. Your whole LIFE is easy motherfucker. Everything you DO is easy. This is easy too - you just don't want to do it because you're a scared little bitch.
The Thoughtful Nihilist
Look man, people don't know me like you know me. Maybe they'll like, get scared or something if they read me talking like this. They'll get all.. I dunno, offended or some shit.
Listen brother: I'm not telling you to take the leash off your autism and go full-retard. But dude, you gotta understand that the people who know you... trust me, they fucking KNOW you.
You walk around with a giant flashing neon billboard behind you with your personality written all over it. And on every goddamn social media channel too. Maybe you can hide yourself initially, but you're incapable of doing it long term. What are you waiting for?
I don't KNOW! I told you, it's just..
What? What is it? You're worried about what some people on Facebook that you literally haven't talked to in 20+ years are going to think of your stupid blog? Are you actually delusional enough to think they give that much of a shit about you?
NO. Fuck. Fine, I'll tell you what it is. I fucking HATE how all of these marketing people - ClickFunnels and otherwise - are so goddamn inauthentic all the fucking time. Why can't they just talk like normal human beings?
Why does EVERY fucking post they make have to follow the 12 step copywriting formula? Why can't they just fucking come out and SAY what the fuck they're trying to say instead of painstakingly structuring their communication to rape my PayPal balance?
Don't they know how transparent that shit is?
Ugh god.. this again? You're still on about that "just add value" shit aren't you. Let it go man. It's over.
NO motherfucker - I'm NOT going to "let it go." I absolutely can't STAND when people try to mask their humblebrags as "advice" and expect any of us to be fooled. They post a picture of their thousands of dollars in earnings, thank their mentor, and then say, "don't give up guys, you can do it too. Just remember to add value!"
Fucking kill yourself.
It insults my intelligence. Where is their creativity? Why not think outside the fucking box for once?
LOL.. insults your intelligence. We see how far that's gotten you.
Look, it's true these people have probably never had an original thought in their mayonnaise-sandwich lives. But what do you expect? They're following the formula because it works, not because they're trying to make an artistic statement with an engaging piece of content.
And you know what the WORST part is? When I finally speak up and say something in the official ClickFunnels Facebook group, I get BANNED even though 75% of the people in the comments agreed with me.
Well no shit they banned you. Of course they're going to ban little hater ass bitches like you who complain that they're not making any money. What did you expect?
Hater? Please. I'm not a hater. I gave this shit a fair fucking chance. I've been working on it literally EVERY SINGLE DAY since February -
Oh really.. and by EVERY SINGLE DAY do you really mean, "when the pain of checking my affiliate commission earnings tab has faded enough for me to give it another go?" Is that the new definition of EVERY SINGLE DAY?
Fine. Not every day. But I've been working on it a lot.
I've made at least a dozen funnels by now and generated almost two thousand opt ins all through Paigham Bot. And after all that, only one single god damn motherfucking affiliate to show for it? All that shit for a measly $40/month?
Ooga booga where my bananas at?
What about all those courses you've been making? Haven't you been selling any of those?
Oh those? Well it's really just the one - I was going to sell the Paigham Bot course as a standalone but I decided to roll it in with the cold email course. And.. well.. I don't know. It was my first course, so I decided to give it away for free.
For free. Hunh.
So you did all the work to make not one but TWO courses, bundle them together, and then just GAVE THEM AWAY for free? And then you have the NERVE to come here and cry like a little bitch about not making any money?
Did you take too many elbows to the dome when you were in Thailand? What the fuck did you expect?
That's not the point, okay! I peppered that shit with affiliate links FUCKING EVERYWHERE. ClickFunnels, Paigham Bot, links to all my social media, my YouTube channels.. that thing is a walking talking affiliate link.
I mean, that's one way to do it. But you realize that you could have EASILY sold that course for a hundred bucks and probably made at least a few grand in the process.
You didn't even try, did you?
Well what the fuck do you expect you stupid fucking monkey? You come in here and talk all this shit about people not having any sense when it comes to marketing like you're better than them. Then you go and do alllllll the work to create a cold email course, a course on Paigham Bot, record all the videos, write a 4000 word sales letter, format the damn thing, and run PB campaigns to your list... and THEN when you're literally 1% away from cashing in, you change your mind and give it all away for free?
Are you actually retarded? What are you even doing with all the leads you generate?
Oh those? Nothing..
What about the ones who opted in to all those other funnels you created?
Nothing? You realize that you're supposed to send them an email every fucking day until they buy something from you, right? That's the whole damn point of this shit. The drip campaign is where the money comes from, not a spam email from an unknown marketing wannabe douchebag.
I don't know man, my Sendgrid accounts keep getting shut down. They don't let me send out any emails, not even one. I could use a bulletproof email server but that shit is $200 a month.
Damn, that is a lot. Well you could just do what you did with Paigham Bot - pay for a month and then cancel it if you don't make any money after the first month.
Yeah I thought about that. But I'm so fucking broke man I can't even spare that right now. Tokyo is fucking expensive.
And since we're on that topic, why the FUCK did you buy a one-way to Tokyo? Did you not realize that it's one of the most expensive cities in the world?
It's not a money problem, it's a creativity problem
Ugh... don't even get me started...
Oh, the suit pajamas thing? Yeah man, tough break. That was gonna be a good deal for you too. Your first official brand deal. Your first opportunity to market an actual brand - one that had even been featured on a network television show. Pretty nice thing to put on the resume.
Yeah but it fell through.
Fill them in real quick. They read this far - they want to know.
Alright so here's the deal: monsoon season starts in May in Thailand and I am deathly allergic to bad weather. I was trying to figure out where to go, but pretty much all of the SE Asian countries experience the same problem around this time of year.
I was too broke to go to any Jewish States or White Christian Countries for summer, so naturally I decided that I would go to Tokyo.
I don't even know how this stupid idea infested my brain. I know jack shit about Japan other than what I've seen in anime and that they have some pretty advanced sex robots there. And I guess I knew it was expensive.
But with only a few minutes of fantasizing about my new life in a strange country that I knew nothing about, the hook was set. After moving to Israel in my early 20s and watching myself absorb Israeli traits like cutting in line at the airport and being rude to strangers, I knew that moving to Japan would add another dimension to my personality as well - in its own way.
One thing bothered me though. Japan is a legitimate country in its own right. People there take shit seriously. I couldn't very well rock up with my current wardrobe of hot pink board shortsand some ratty t-shirts. This wasn't Thailand.
I thought to myself, "What if I had a suit?"
I didn't know how or why, but I felt it would be a game-changer. I'd be able to... I don't know, do shit that people wearing suits can do that people who wear basketball shorts can't.
But the fact that I didn't have the optionality still bothered me.
The sad part is that I'm actually serious.
My next thought was that I could wear suit PAJAMAS like the ones that Barney wore on How I Met Your Mother. This solved the problem in my mind.
Also, I knew Japan was expensive and wanted to pack light. I would have happily ditched my massive backpack for a smaller one with a few suits and my laptop. That way I would be able to traipse around Tokyo with my little backpack, sleep in train stations, and work myself into an early death by recording non-stop YouTube videos and bashing my head against the wall trying to get ClickFunnels affiliates.
Energized by my amazing idea to fulfill my dream of becoming an Executive Homeless Businessman Vagrant, sleep in manga cafes, and sample the cheapest raw beef I could find in the supermarket (ironically imported from America), I contacted the suit pajama company and pitched them on my idea.
Smooth as silk
And because I'm desperately trying to prove that I'm not a complete moron (despite the fact that I only have one measly CF affiliate), I'm going to post the exact 700+ word email that convinced them to sponsor me:
Hello, I am a YouTuber living abroad and I was wondering if you guys would be interested in some influencer marketing.
I will be spending three months living in Tokyo making videos and I want to pack light. I had the idea of going to Japan in a suit (uncommon for a backpacker yet appropriate for Japan because they're a very formal culture). It would open a lot of doors for me for sure, but caring for a suit while on the road would be virtually impossible for me. So I thought of you guys.
Here's my proposition: I would wear your suitjamas every day for 90 days and film all of my videos in them. I would give you a shoutout in the beginning and end of every one of my videos that would be something like, "This video was brought to you by Legendary SuitJamas. They're the #1 worldwide provider of pajamas that look like Hugo Boss suits. Check them out at https://legendarysuitjamas.com... etc etc" Something like that.
I have two YouTube channels and make videos for both of them every day. One is fitness and one is for digital marketing and I would give you shoutouts in both. I'm currently at 850 subscribers for the fitness channel and 200 for the digital marketing one. Many of my videos have several thousand views and virtually all of them have several hundred. I also rank in the top 10 results for some high volume keywords and my engagement is very good.
I publish new videos 7 day a week on both channels, and as a result they've grown super fast over the past few months.
In a perfect world, I would get 2-3 pairs of your suitjamas so I could rotate them and have some variety. Tokyo is an amazing city for vlogging so I want to do a lot of "around town" stuff where I explore various weird things that the city has to offer. I'd wear your suits in every video. My idea is very marketable and has viral potential as you can see from the following clickbait headlines:
- "This Guy Spent 90 Days In Tokyo Wearing Nothing But Bright Gold Silk Suit Pajamas."
- "American YouTuber Lives In Tokyo For Three Months With Only Three Pairs Of Suit Pajamas."
- "Fitness YouTuber Rocks Silk Suit Pajamas In Style In The World's Most Futuristic City."
You get the idea...
Here are some links to my more popular videos:
Digital marketing channel:
I think this would be an amazing opportunity for you to expose literally hundreds of thousands of people to your suit pajamas at virtually no cost to you. For your wholesale cost of 3 suits (I'll assume prob somewhere around $30-$40 per piece), you'll get your brand not only mentioned in 180+ videos over the next 3 months, but people will get to see how awesome I look in them AND they'll get to watch me do cool stuff in Tokyo while wearing them.
If we assume that every single video gets an average of 1000 views over a 3 month period (it would probably be way more by then), that's 180,000 "impressions" where people will see your product, get the link (I hope you have an affiliate program), etc. And if your out of pocket cost is only $120, then you're only paying around $0.00067 per impression. And if you know anything about online marketing through paid ads, then you know that's a pretty sweet deal! Honestly the longer this email gets the more I feel like I should actually charge you guys for a promotion like this lol.
Oh and I also have a very popular blog with 5k followers and 45k followers on my Instagram account. Links below.
Of course I could be totally wrong and this could be a terrible idea for both of us. Not sure what you think, but if you have any questions or want to chat on Skype about this just send me an email and we can set something up.
-Stuart (Yalla Papi)
That's a pretty nice fucking email. Was that you or one of your astral projections that wrote that?
Very funny fuckface. I'll have you know that my 7th grade English teacher told me that I was one of the best writers that she'd ever had as a student. I got an A+ on my short story.
Didn't you just rewrite the first few chapters from that Doom book?
What? No. Well.. I mean I definitely added my own twist to it. I'm pretty sure I did.
Really? Because I seem to remember you saying to me, "She's never going to read the original. I might as well copy it word for word."
What? No! Come on.. that wasn't until I was like halfway through the damn thing. I wrote most of it myself. Rewrote.
Whatever man. You got an A+. Still a good email though.
Yeah thanks. And the funny thing is that he actually said yes! He even asked for my size and address and said that he'd send them out ASAP. Here, I'll just post the email:
Yes, as you put it, the downside for me is very minimal. I'm definitely interested.
If you are there over summer, suitjamas should suffice. If you head over in autumn, you may be interested in packing a knight hoodie as well (see https://www.knighthoodies.com)
Please send me your details (size, address, etc) and I'll have a couple sent over to you from our returns center.
To be honest, I was kind of surprised that it happened so quickly. My first sponsorship! The first brand that saw enough potential in me to invest the wholesale cost of a few of their products in exchange for a 3 month campaign that would have probably netted them five figures worth of sales.
"You need management, baby"
Oooo FIVE figures! Aren't we optimistic! And what do you mean by "would have?" The deal fell through?
Yeah.. I mean, I don't know. I was so excited by the dude's response that I bought my ticket to Tokyo. My plan was obviously to stay for 3 months so I could fulfill my obligation to the campaign, but honestly I had absolutely no idea how I would manage to afford that.
I really don't know what's wrong with me. Why the fuck can't I make any money?
I think you're just lazy. But don't get sidetracked. Finish the story.
Oh. So yeah, I flew to Tokyo and then the guy I was talking to there stopped answering my emails. Haven't heard from him in a week.
Yeah, but didn't he tell you to call their return center in Bangkok and tell them where to ship your shit? Did you do that?
No... but I don't have a Japanese phone number! I got the data-only SIM.
Um, hello you dumb fuck. Why don't you just buy an internet calling card for like $10 and call them yourself?
Yeah, I thought about that...
You "thought about it?" Isn't that why you came to this fucking country to begin with? Why don't you just fucking do it instead of writing a goddamn novel about how your life sucks and how you're a little bitch who can't make any money?
Jeez man, chill out. Fine I'll handle it tomorrow. Asshole.
I'm sorry man, I don't mean to jump down your throat. Sometimes you just need a little slap in the face to get your ass in gear. It's fine, we all do. What did Mikhael tell you when you worked in the mall? כולנו צריכים ניהול מדי פעם.
That's why I'm here, you know? That's why you invented me in the first place. That's why you invented all of us.
And since you've finished your little story, let me say something else: do you know WHY you haven't made any money with ClickFunnels yet?
Um.. honestly? Not really. I mean, I think it has to do with what I said earlier about not wanting to be just another inauthentic circlejerking vapid mouth-breathing buzzword-regurgitating fountain of dogshit like everyone else I see promoting ClickFunnels. No offense to any of them who might be reading this.
What about Doug Boughton? He's a straight shooter, don't you think?
Yeah, he's better than most for sure.
Honestly man I think you're just getting triggered for some reason and judging those other people too harshly. Yeah I know you hate when people say "just add value" but I'd be willing to bet that they could probably show you how to make some money like they're making.
Why are you so resistant? What's the REAL reason?
"Everyone smiles with that invisible gun to their head"
The real reason? I.. I don't even know how to say this, but...
Just say it. Come on, spit it out.
It's gonna sound so stupid but.. I don't know. Well for one thing I am so shit at making money right now and have been for the past six months that I don't feel right about telling people to sign up for a service that can make them a lot of money when I haven't made any fucking money from sales funnels, selling info products, or signing up CF affiliates.
Seriously - how the fuck am I supposed to do that?
That's a valid concern. But you realize you can still sell a product without needing to have used it yourself. You sold fucking hair straighteners for 7 years - how often were you straightening your hair?
So? Then by that logic you shouldn't have sold them. Yet you did. Why didn't you feel bad about it then? Why didn't you feel like a phony then but you do now?
I think the issue is that I'm unable to point to myself and say, "See? I did it - you can too!" That's the angle that a lot of people take when they try to promote CF and information products in general.
But either something is wrong with me or what but it's just not working for me anymore. I know it works for other people, but it just doesn't for me.
Well have you been consistent? Have you been following your own advice and emailing 50 people a day?
Not really, no. I'll have weeks where I do a few days, but Google almost shut down my GMail account for spamming people so I don't want to fuck with it anymore.
Jesus Christ dude... you're a fucking mess. How the mighty have fallen huh?
I know. It's sad. The only thing I'm banking on now is this YouTube shit but even that is literally 3-4 years from putting any money in my pocket. That's why I was so excited about this deal with Legendary SuitJamas - one brand deal could lead to others, especially when the other brands saw how I helped crush the campaign for them.
See, that's what I don't understand - you're SO good at connecting the dots and whipping up this ultra-creative shit when it comes to OTHER entities. But when it comes to promoting yourself it's like you're two different people. You fucking suck.
I know. I see that too and it kills me. And I know why, too. It's such a stupid reason but I just can't help it.
I HATE cross-pollinating between my social media accounts. I just.. I can't bring myself to do it. I just can't. I don't know why.
I mean I do know why, but I just can't cross that line. I'm worried that I've put too much out there now about myself that my credibility is completely burned in the legitimate business world.
God.. even as I write that, I realize it's retarded. The internet marketing world doesn't care if you used to serve sacks or say "fuck" a lot. They just want to know if you can help them put some money in their bank account.
Sure, people like to communicate through plastic furniture covers and meaningless corporate babble because they don't want to offend the gentle sensibilities of the Suburban White Bread Minivan-Driving NewBalance-Shoe-Wearing Soccer Moms that might sign up for their 30 day live coaching program. They want that mass appeal.
What, and you don't? With your buttery YouTube fitness videos where every third sentence out of your mouth is a conveniently placed softener:
"...and I could be totally wrong about this, but..."
Yeah fine but that's YouTube. You have less wiggle room when you're in real time cranking out one-take stream-of-consciousness videos about health and fitness. Articles are static.
Huh? What the fuck does that even mean? "Articles are static." Listen to yourself you massive fucking faggot. All this fucking extra work you're shouldering just because you're too scared to promote your YouTube videos on Facebook, too much of a little bitch to promote your blog on your YouTube channel, and STILL haven't even LOOKED for a way to contact the literal thousands of people who have opted into your shitty little sales funnels.
What are you even doing this for? Do you even know?
You know what you remind me of? You're like one of those people who complains that they can't lose weight but does absolutely nothing to try and lose the weight in the first place.
You're like one of those chronically depressed people who barely leaves their apartment, stuffs themselves with Extra Value Meals and McFlurrys, masturbates 5 times a day and can't understand why they're so depressed.
But that's YOU bro. Except YOUR blind spot is money.
Actually now that I think about it, your blind spot is what you claim you want so badly: glory.
No motherfucker, actually you DON'T know. Do you realize how lucky you are? 6' tall? 35 years old with a sixpack? White? Jewish? From fucking Los motherfucking Angeles? A slick writer, deadly with a hair straightener, smooth as butter on and off camera?
Seriously: why the fuck don't you just fucking GO FOR IT instead of writing 7000 word affiliate link dumps disguised as schizophrenic cries for help?
God damn it man I AM going for it! How the fuck could you even SAY that? Don't you see all the work I'm doing? Two YouTube channels where I upload at least once a day. Literally millions of words plastered all over the internet under various disconnected pseudonyms. Thousands of -
Yeah motherfucker, THAT'S your fucking problem right there. Disconnected pseudonyms.
Why the fuck wouldn't you just put everything under the same umbrella: you. Yours. Call it Yalla Papi, Stuart Oden, Billy fucking Buckner dog it doesn't fucking matter. Just pick SOMETHING.
I... I can't. I don't know, I just.. I don't know.
You don't know. What the fuck DO you know motherfucker? Fucking useless. WORSE than useless really. Just a fucking spectator.
Look... I'm sorry. I know you're trying. I mean you're kind of trying. You're trying to make it look like you're trying - which you're very good at by the way - but it's not enough. You have to go all the way.
You have to combine all of us - all of you - into a single entity. No more alter egos. No more secret identities. No more underground blogs, social media accounts, or Amazon Author pen names where you write anonymously in hopes that you'll casually get discovered and finally get the adoration from those people in high school who just thought you were the weird quiet kid.
I still feel like that weird quiet kid sometimes.
Motherfucker you may be weird but you're ANYTHING but quiet. You fucking talk more than anyone I know at virtually every single social gathering we have the opportunity to attend. It's been like this ever since you caught your stride selling hair straighteners. Talk about feeling yourself...
Ha. Yeah I am pretty charming..
Sure, at first. But it's all fake. Between the Wellbutrin, phenibut, and years of hardening your spiritual exoskeleton in the unforgiving warzone of high-pressure retail sales - you're a born-again natural. Walking talking proof that people from LA really ARE just putting on a show.
Swinging from branch to branch
Look man, I'm gonna give you some straight talk: your little doppleganger buddies are holding you back and if you want to get out of this hole you've spent years digging yourself into, you need to get rid of them. And that goes for me too. Pound us into a fine mist, microneedle your soul, and absorb us into your bloodstream. Maybe then you'll be able to speak with some authority.
Because this shit you're trying to do isn't working. All this hacker-esque passive-income data-harvesting shit was fun for a while, but it's not the Big Boy Money you're after. That only comes from having a voice that's strong enough to motivate other people to do what you want them to do.
What? Pull out their credit card?
No you greedy one-dimensional fuck. Inspire them to make their own lives better. Encourage them to take chances. Lead by fucking example and show them that it's okay to skin your elbows on the concrete, crawl with gritted teeth through the barbed-wire fence, and leave a trail of blood as you inch closer and closer to the ultimate payoff.
Ranking high enough on the ClickFunnels leaderboard to get noticed by Rachel and reverse her opinion of me not being an Uber-driving fuckboy?
NO you shit-for-brains mongrel. What the fuck do you even care about what some random astronaut thinks? You saw her literally one time. I'm talking about creating a legacy so powerful that it'll live on long after you're a sexy ass skeleton in a graveyard somewhere.
The internet, YouTube... this shit isn't going anywhere. Every piece of content you create will essentially last until the Earth is swallowed by the sun. And even then it's likely that it'll last after that as well.
This is the fucking Golden Age Of The Internet. And YOU have a chance to be immortalized through nothing more than the sheer amount of content that you create.
Sure, most of it will be shit and easily forgotten (like your little microdosing experiment), but every once in a while you'll drop a burner that people will read over and over every time they feel like taking a hit off your +2 Crack Pipe Of Motivation. For literally thousands of years into the future, your message and likeness will survive long after your body drops.
Oh. That's boring.
God damn it.. look you shallow Californian fuck, think of it like this: the only way you're going to make any fucking money with ClickFunnels - or really any of this internet marketing shit that requires you to put your ugly Jewish face out there - is to combine your imaginary personalities and social media accounts into one person and become the brand that you claim you want to be.
You have all the pieces already. Well, except for the financial success part. But you've got enough to get things rolling - and you DEFINITELY have more than most people. Massive IG, decent sized LinkedIn and Facebook, growing YouTube channels with hundreds of hours of content each, video courses, a pimped out blog... you are out there and you are getting more and more out there by the day.
It'll happen eventually, maybe, probably. But it'll happen much faster if you stop being a little bitch and cross-pollinate between your god damn audiences.
So what, are you saying that I need to promote everything on every account? Don't you think that's a little excessive? I create a lot of fucking content.
Yes. That's exactly what I'm saying.
So you're saying that in a single day, I need to post the fitness video I upload to YouTube, the 1-2 digital marketing videos I upload to my other channel, my Instagram posts and stories.. I need to post allllll of that shit to Facebook every god damn day? And LinkedIn? And Instagram?
"Couldn't you settle for a smile and a fond farewell?"
Yes, yes, and yes.
Get the fuck outta here. No fucking way. You're joking.
How is that going to help me with ClickFunnels? What the fuck does that even have to do with this?
It's not just ClickFunnels. Your lack of success with CF is just a symptom of a greater problem: you don't fucking believe in yourself.
How long have people been saying that to you? When you were a kid it was "he's got so much potential" which morphed into "if you just applied yourself" and you've been coasting off that ever since.
Sure, you can get by living like a pauper in hostels and wearing 3 year old worn out basketball shorts from Walmart. It's part of your shtick at this point. But wouldn't it be better to do that by choice, not because you had to? Wouldn't you like to have enough money to go to the mall and blow $5k on some new fucking clothes to show off that body you work so hard for?
Come on man, you know that doesn't mean anything to me.
Don't you give me that shit. I KNOW you. I KNOW you fucking care about that and don't even fucking pretend that you don't. It's all part of the glory. Jesus Christ you're such a fucking SHAMELESS liar! Who are you trying to impress?
Why am I even working so hard to convince you of this? Am I wrong? Tell me that I'm wrong and I'll stop. Go ahead, tell me I'm wrong and I'll leave you alone.
That's right motherfucker, you can't. You know I'm right.
Fine, you're right. Good for you.
Even that fucking ClickFunnels coach spotted that shit after talking to you for literally two seconds. Didn't say three words to the bitch and she told you to delete everyone on your personal Facebook who you thought might judge you for coming out of the closet as a spammy marketer and shitting up their FB feed with affiliate links.
It's kind of funny, you know.. I used to sell those hair straighteners for hundreds of dollars and they were absolute trash. When I was in Oz in 2017 I was selling products that were 6 years old. My sales skills were godlike and my demo was hypnotic, so I made them look like they were pure fucking magic. But those things were shit. And do you think I cared? Not a fucking chance.
The lovely people of Bankstown bankrolled the last year and a half of my life. All the Steemit posts, the crypto, flights all around the world, new friends, lovers, enemies.. all of it thanks to them. Thanks to them liking me enough to give me hundreds of dollars of their hard-earned money in exchange for a product that 99% of them would just throw in their closet, forget about, and never even use.
And did I feel guilty? Not even for a second. I had big dreams and big plans and if I had to spin a story about infrared heat and negative ions to make that happen, well then that's what the fuck I was gonna do.
Why do we love our problems?
The funny thing is that this whole ClickFunnels shit isn't much different. Yeah, writing sales letters and creating funnels can be great. Copywriting is old tech at this point, but it's reliable and it works. But like any tool, it won't look so effective in the hands of an idiot. Just like a straightener.
So what's the difference? Why do you even care? Really, why the fuck are you making such a big deal about essentially just becoming the hair straightener salesman again but 24 hours a day, 7 days a week on all your social media platforms?
I don't know.. it just doesn't feel right. I don't want to turn all my social media pages into funnels. I like them the way they are. Fine, maybe I could stand to cross-promote myself on different platforms a bit more, but really what the fuck do my FB friends give a shit about my fucking blog? They're all married with kids and shit. They don't have time to read existential arguments with my imaginary friend.
And even if they did, what the fuck is that going to do for me?
No.. it just doesn't feel right.
Oh my god.. I just got it. I just figured out why you're still a loser. You actually love being a loser and can't stand the thought of losing the right to complain about it. You LOVE having this problem! How the fuck didn't I see this before? Jesus Christ... you're just like Adam.
Come on now. That's a bit extreme.
No, it's not. Fine, he's totally broken and doesn't leave his bed. You're just as bad - but like I said earlier, you're just a master at making it SEEM like you're putting in a lot of work.
Really. Don't you think that's a little harsh?
Not at all. Look at this article for example. What the fuck is this? You paid hundreds of dollars to promote this clusterfuck to a bunch of freebie-seeking-
Freebie-seeking retards. Yeah, we've heard it before. And so what? People that see my blog who don't know about upvote bots will assume that there are big numbers there because the articles are good. And this will probably get some positive comments as well. Social proof.
Yeah. Fine. But for what? How are you even going to leverage that social proof? You gonna make some money with it somehow? You gonna get some writing work with it? Who the fuck would want to hire a foul-mouthed broke-ass mentally-ill sperglord like you anyway?
You spent HUNDREDS of dollars on this when you could have taken that money and spent it on that fucking bulletproof email server. You could have spent that on promoting your YouTube videos. You could have spent it on literally anything else that would generate money TODAY - but instead you chose to tell the whole fucking world about how you haven't made any money with ClickFunnels and how it's not your fault because "muh authenticity."
Yeah, but -
No. No buts. You know what? I'm fucking sick of this shit. You're JUST LIKE Adam.
It's an ego thing
I can't believe this. I can't believe I'm ONLY realizing this now. I can't believe I wasted ALL THIS FUCKING TIME trying to convince you what to do, while you sat there with that gay little smile on your face and parried my arguments with your coy denials of guilt.
Take some fucking responsibility for yourself for once man. You can't skate by on the down-on-his-luck-lovable-underdog-with-so-much-potential bit forever.
Look, just calm down, okay? You're right. I do need to own that shit. I'm working on it. I changed my FB cover photo. I created the FB marketing group. I added links to my Steemit blog in my YouTube video descriptions. The more time passes, the more I build the web that connects all my digital footprints.
It's not easy for me. I don't know why and hurts too much to think about it. It just makes me nervous that everyone I know will know everything, all the shit I've been up to over the years, all my weird inappropriate thoughts that I can't help writing 7000 word articles about and paying hundreds of dollars to promote.
And strangely enough, it's all fucking ClickFunnels fault. The emotional roller coaster of constant exposure to sales letters designed to prey on your most primal human desires, crafted by people who make a living by manipulating the emotions of vain and lazy dreamers like me... that shit fucks with your head. They make you spend money when you really should save it to buy overpriced raw meat.
But instead you end up spending it on another course, another pack of premium sales funnels, another set of bonuses that you're SURE will be THE THING that catapults you to the top.
And then Rachel will see you, instantly remember who you are and realize you're not a loser after all. That you can do anything she can do. That she's not better than you even though she's put thousands of hours into this where you've put less than a hundred.
Is that it? What the fuck do you even care man? You didn't even like her.
I know. It's an ego thing. I can't stand that someone I knew personally made it and I didn't. That she was right and I was wrong. That her Kool-Aid drinking attitude that I scoffed at might have been somewhat responsible for it. It burns.
I mean, you can vindicate your ego if you want. But you have to be ready for it. And right now you're just not there yet. And honestly man, I don't know if you'll ever get there. I know you want to achieve accidental notoriety like some fucking Disney movie. That would make it all the more sweet for your dopamine-soaked diabetic ego.
But success doesn't just fall on your head no matter how talented you are. It takes massive amounts of work to make that shit happen. And YOU have years of gunk clogging up your pipes - no wonder you're having trouble breathing.
Other people may not have that blockage - but so what? We all have shit we need to deal with. That's the beauty of humanity - we all have different strengths and weaknesses. The challenge in life is to find people who complement you so the sum of the parts becomes greater than the whole. Admitting that you're just a piece of the human puzzle is the first step towards letting your blood circulate like it should - not inventing imaginary puzzle pieces so you don't have to play with the other kids.
But you do have to do it. You know you do. And you know you know. You just have to get out of your own way and let success land.
Yeah, I know. I just don't know if I'm ready yet.
I know. It's alright. I'm sorry I yelled at you earlier. You're a good kid. Come on put some clothes on, let's go get some ice cream.
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