I am on a lot of hallucinogens...

The title of this blog was the first thing I wrote in my diary. What will come next is the entirety of my first journal entry, so stay tuned for a wild ride into my craziness. Here is a bit of background.

Right before my husband "John" (whom I was with for 19 year) and I separated, I met a man that absolutely consumed me from the moment I laid eyes on him. He was a pianist and as he walked on stage, spoke, and sauntered over to the piano, I thought, "Oh my god, I need this man." Now, I am NOT the kind of woman to instantly fall for a man. Granted, I have had a number of one night stands and some unfortunate affairs (of which I am not proud), but this type of captivation has only happened three times in my life, but each time, it knocks the breath out of me....and every time, the man is a horrible narcissist.

"Jack" was a 25 year old pianist. He was strong, gorgeous, and asked me to have drinks so we could discuss our shared love of poetry. Our conversation quickly turned sexual and I shared my love of bondage and BDSM, which he indicated was a specialty of his. That night, we had sex, I finally decided to leave my marriage that was struggling for years, and I entered into a tumultuous 4 month relationship with Jack that made me feel every emotion possible: love, lust, desire, pain, pleasure, torture, alienation, and debilitating sorrow.

After leaving my husband and dating my Dom, I also dating a number of other men. I had been taken for so long, I CRAVED sex and attention. I met some nice men...and some assholes...But I did meet a wonderful, empathetic man named "Thomas" whom you will learn more about in later posts.

After a final blowout with Jack and he dismissed me, I was so depressed, I wept uncontrollably into the arms of Thomas for and entire weekend. I had become addicted to my BDSM Dom...This is a no no. You cannot love someone who is not meant to love you back, but I could not help myself. I fell down the rabbit whole of addiction and my brain told me again and again that I needed this man. I have been in a constant state of manic depression for the past month and a half...

Here is my first journal entry after it all ended:

(I am on a lot of hallucinogens)
Saturday, February 17th

Jack....
Jack was a means to an end. An ending which I have not yet discovered...Does anything REALLY end? No. It merely changes.

Meeting Jack, becoming addicted to him, was necessary. It helped me cling to something bigger than John, so we could take the first step toward divorce. My obsession helped me realize I don’t really want to uselessly date. I must save my energy for those worthy of me.

Most of all, it helped me realize that I need to finally seek out the ROOT of my poisonous cycle of addiction to men. This obsession changes the chemistry of my brain and body. I want to feel the love I have with Thomas. One of complete love, without confinement or expectations. Pure love. On a soul level.

Jack filled the void of John. He was a strength, when I saw weakness in John. A purpose in life, when I saw little in John. When Jack lost his way, I felt it. He was no longer the rock I needed. We were both cast adrift. I desperately clung to what was...what I thought "should be."

He pushed me away...He tried to go inward to heal himself during his time of depression, but I wouldn't let him. For good or bad?? I don't know. I will never know. My outburst was a final straw for me. It was seeking a reaction. Any reaction. But it was also a glimpse at the power dormant inside me.

I need to find the TRUE ME.

The "Journey of the Authentic Self" begins by taking off your shoes and start walking...

Your feet hurt because it's new and raw. But I feel the Mother Earth bellow my feet, feeding me with energy.

This will take a long time...

But I AM WORTH THE JOURNEY!!!