You will continue to suffer if you have an emotional reaction to everything that is said to you. True power is sitting back and observing everything with logic. If words control you that means everyone else can control you. Breathe and allow things to pass. ~ Bruce Lee
Victim mentality is hardwired in the energetic body and physical nervous system of almost everyone I know.
Despite years of acknowledging and addressing it within myself, it still lives in me too. I really hate this truth - but as they say, what you resist persists.
I struggle to understand why I keep playing it out. I have a GREAT life of low stress, and literally all my dreams come true, but here I go shooting myself in the foot again and again trying to force the people in my life into broken relationship models. And the people in my life have already proven themselves to be truly exemplary humans, and my relationship models have already proven themselves to be shit.
So WHY do I try to sabotage myself and my relationships with old, dysfunctional habits?? Sometimes there is a significant discrepancy between what I KNOW to be true and honorable and empowered, and the way I handle myself when I am triggered.
Obviously I have something more to learn...
This disempowered victim crap is a Trojan horse within my operating system, yet I open the app again and again.
The only way this bullshit makes sense to me is to acknowledge my shortcomings, and hope that in sharing my own struggles someone else is inspired to upgrade their own victim mentality too.
At certain times of the month/moon cycle, I slip right back into the ol' familiar groove* at the push of a button.
Maybe I'm tired, or hungry, or someone said something in a particular tone, or I perceive criticism or attack, or who knows what else** - but under particular conditions and just the right amount of stress, I lose my temper and I lose my cool. Something ruffles my feathers, and I go right into bitch mode to "defend" and "protect" myself.
It's like clockwork, and those closest to me can see it coming from a mile away.
Something triggers me, I get angry and defensive, and the fight or flight systems in my brains fire off. I don't fight as bad as I used to, but now my go to is to isolate myself for awhile and spiral down, down, down in negativity. And that's not helpful for being part of a team and community!
And potentially worse than that, I blame blame blame blame blame blame blame other people for "making" me feel so bad. I give away all my power, and squander my choice by casting them as the abuser and myself as the victim.
Logically, I can often see that I've overreacted to a perceived slight - but logic means almost nothing to me when I feel offended and the biological response engages.
If I let those circuits fire off, I'm already fucked. I shut myself off to love and stew in my anger, replaying the situation over and over, justifying my reaction each time - "how could they say those words??? To me???"
...AS IF words - just arrangements of letters, just wind blown across some vocal cords - can truly hurt me.
...AS IF that makes it appropriate to be less than the most honorable I can be.
...AS IF feeling hurt gives me license to hurt someone else.
...AS IF "harsh" words or raised tones means the person doesn't love or support me anymore.
...AS IF the person hasn't proven their unconditional love and support for me for YEARS.
...AS IF I haven't already learned these lessons and experienced the repercussions of losing my temper again and again and again.
After the anger subsides, I'm left with just the logic.
I recognize that I lost again. I lost my cool. I lost my temper. I lost my connection to love, and I lost my honor.
I allowed hate to rage and grow in me. I turned it against my loved ones, willing in a moment of seeing red to fuck everything that I have worked towards and built for years. And that's when the guilt and shame set in, and it lasts much longer than the anger.
And logically, I recognize that the shame and guilt doesn't do much to help me pull myself out of the hole either.
This is the relationship model hardwired into my system, the broken model that I have recognized and acknowledged again and again that DOES. NOT. WORK.
Thank all the gods that it doesn't play out as severely or as often as it used to - but it's still there, and it's way more common than I want it to be.
I thought I conquered this, but turns out I just wasn't in a "romantic" relationship to push these particular victim buttons.
And now life is telling me I have more work to do.
Seems to be playing out for a lot of people I know right now too, and seems like so few are actually taking responsibility to be better for it...
It really doesn't matter what anyone says or does to me, ever - I am 100% responsible for myself, my actions, my reactions, and my responses.
Time after time, it is my loved ones - the very ones I blame and get angry at and turn against in fits of rage - who once again pull me out of my hellhole downward spiral. @everlove who leads by example of being a truly extraordinary woman who simply doesn't do this rebellious mouthy teenage bullshit, and especially @quinneaker who is simply an extraordinary human.
He goes above and beyond and out of his way to consider and support me, checking on me again and again when I've retreated to my hermit cave to lick my victim wounds...even after I've been a bitch to him. Again.
He forgives me, acknowledges my dysfunctional programming, shows me a better way, inspires me to try again, and gives me yet another chance to do my best.
It is a blessing from the Universe to be shown such love, support, forgiveness, compassion, and non-judgment when I have gone mad with blame, anger, guilt, and shame like a monkey flinging poo, and I am so so SO thankful for the patience and kindness. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can do way way way better!
Maybe next time I will remember the unwavering grace they have shown me. Maybe next time I will remember to take a deep breath, take an asana, go for a walk, take a shower - anything to redirect the crossed wires, remember wtf I'm doing here, and reprogram a better response.
Knowing is not enough. We must apply. Willing is not enough. We must do. ~ Bruce Lee
I get so down on myself, so disappointed when I make mistakes - much less the same mistakes over and over again.
But I know in my heart of hearts that I came here to level up, and I won't go down without a fight.
*Do you know the grooves on your brain are actually behavioral patterns? They are the valleys forged by neural connections, by the exchange of electrons and chemicals that happens between stimuli and reaction/response. To change our mind and emotions means to change the physical structure of our brains.
**Triggers are programmed into our subconscious minds, usually from when we were children. Something imperceivable to our awareness - a sound, a smell, a color - may kick off a biological response, and we play out the same patterns we saw our parents play out but probably don't even remember. This is how broken relationships are passed from generation to generation. The real work comes in bringing awareness to the subconscious mind and choosing new responses. I'm still learning how to be self-aware and responsible, and I will keep trying because this world needs more hope, inspiration, success, and healing.