I am in love with a man with many faults. Should I take a chance and marry him?

Hi ,
I am a 31-year-old divorced mom. After many years of searching, I finally found a man whom I really love. He loves me and my son in return; he is charming, single and interested in raising a family together after we marry; exactly what I want.

But he cannot support us, doesn’t have a regular job, and insists on spending one evening a week with his friends gambling all night; he says that as a typical Gemini he doesn’t have consistent opinions or a stable way of life. On top of that, he refuses to share housework or raising children (when we have them). I am afraid that I will not be able to deal with him. Should I take the risk?

Nadia

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Dear Nadia,

Our emotions are a great tool for decision making and in particular when relationships are at stake. When we fall in love with someone we know that we are walking on the right path; we are reassured that in spite of the outer, sometimes contrary, technical obstacles we should follow our heart! Therefore, the fact that you fell in love with this man means that your relationship has been appropriate.

Why? Because that relationship has brought you to learn more about yourself, to understand another aspect of your wholeness, to gain valuable experience in relationships, to enjoy intimacy, to have fun, to feel and know that you are the creator of your life. All of which functions as one more step towards what you really want, and deserve to have – True Love!

Still, not every love affair should end with marriage or lifelong partnership. Alongside your infatuation and feelings of love was your intuition which serves as another priceless tool for decision making. Obviously, something bothers you; a little voice inside asks you to check the situation carefully and you are now faced with two forces struggling within you. The heart says to live with him and to accept him as he is and intuition asks you to reconsider that option. Contrary to what many people think neither the heart nor the mind should ever predominate in any of life’s situations.

You surely agree that a loving relationship means sharing, thoughtfulness, giving, receiving and general acceptance of responsibilities for you, for your boy, for the household and family. You know very well that your current spouse cannot yet live up to those responsibilities. Marrying him might well cause you to bear all the duties by yourself. Is that what you want?!

Do you really want to have a partner who for the time being can only be another child needing care and attention?! Are you willing to compromise on what you deserve? Because, if you are honest with yourself, your relationship is not balanced; you give and attend much more than he does.

Your decision will have to comprise your love towards him as well as your very legitimate thoughts about the nature of the relationship. One factor, though, must be excluded from the equation and that is fear. Indeed, many years have passed since you had someone to love and be loved by, but if you leave him now it doesn’t mean you will be alone again for a long time. On the contrary, now that you have opened yourself to the flow of love, you will soon find another man who will be more appropriate for you than your current one. The challenge, naturally, is to believe in yourself and to get over the infatuation.

And now I would like to relate to the person that you are:

The people we fall in love with serve as an accurate mirror for us. You and your boyfriend are no exception. You have summoned him into your life for a certain reason other than the joy of the relationship. Do you know what that reason could be? What might the things within you be that he reflects for you? Think about it for a while before you keep reading.

You see, the way you perceive “relationship” is unbalanced. You believe it should be maternal. You tend to give more than you allow yourself to receive; you are not willing yet to fully accept from life the numerous gifts it has for you. Why is that? Could it be that you are influenced by similar unbalanced relationships that you saw at home with your parents or sisters? You must do the inner check to disclose your hidden beliefs about relationships and to replace them with new ones that match what you really want from life.

Do you want a spouse who would be an equal partner? Then choose so and do not compromise on anything less even if you are in love. After all, it is very natural that you would fall in love with your current boyfriend for he gives you a golden opportunity to exercise your maternal skills. He needs your care; he demands your attention and so you love him for allowing you to serve him and hence to feel good about yourself! Your relationship now is a mutual feeding one; he feeds on your attention and you feed on the inner satisfaction you receive from the acts of giving. Can you see that pattern in you?

Therefore, it is for you now to check yourself and decide whether you will make changes or live with the situation as it is. If you choose the latter you must remember that the problem will not disappear by itself and so you must be willing to bear the consequences.

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