Dear Littlescribe: I think my coworker is a Sociopath....!
Dear Littlescribe, I just got a new job working for a software company I really like. The thing is, I think my coworker is crazy and is sabotaging my work. I am thinking about quitting because it's so bad. I honestly wonder if this person has no conscience and is some kind of sociopath or something. I don't know why he is picking on me all the time, but no one else seems to think he's a problem. Just me. I keep getting thrown under the bus and set up for failure by him. He's kind of a bully, and intimidates people into being his friend, without them realizing they are being coerced. But then he makes it seem like I can't see my way out of a paper bag. I'm afraid I'll get fired. What should I do?
~Distraught in Detroit.
Dear Distraught, I don't think you should quit--not just yet. Every company is going to have someone like this, to one degree or another. Don't take it personally that he has picked you. You're just fresh meat. He probably just wants to see which way you'll bend and under which kind of pressure. I completely understand your plight! And frankly, it doesn't take a sociopath to be this destructive. It could just be a mean person who feels threatened. But if it is an actual "sociopath" you are dealing with, the rules are the same:
Keep everything in writing, and keep comments brief and professional
CC your supervisor as much as you can, and let them know what you are doing to accomplish your tasks
Log your work
Know your enemy
People like this coworker unfortunately can make their way up the food chain using manipulative means, so it's good you're not being naive about this. The good news is, these kinds of people also have the highest hazard of sabotaging themselves in the process.
Malicious and deceptive people do NOT like things in writing. This forces them to work harder at their lies. Keeping things in writing is probably the single most important thing you can do with this person. Do not ever have conversations with them without at least a confirmation email reiterating the subject, and try to always have more than one other person present to minimize any devious behavior.
I guarantee you that others DO see how he is. They may not know who you are just yet, but they know who he is. They may not be able to put their finger on it, but they don't trust him, and they know they have to watch their backs around him. There's no way a person like him gets around without first making that impression very clearly to others, either intentionally or unintentionally. They may even be the most popular one in the pack, but not without a price tag on it.
That being said, if he's making a subtle mockery of you or your work, or throwing you under the bus and succeeding at it, you have only four things you can do:
- Work hard
- Work smart
- Keep a low profile
- Stay calm
It WILL sort itself out. In due time, your boss and your coworkers will absolutely see that you can see yourself out of a paper bag. You don't need to prove anything to anyone but the person who cuts your check. So lay low. If a drama does ensue, before going to your supervisor, make sure you have all your ducks in a row.
Present your explanation courteously and calmly, and limit negative comments about the other guy. It's OK to be upset, but you're too new. It will look petty if you whine too much, even if it's justified.
Just know you are NOT the first, and you will not be the last on his trail of glory. There is a reason he is still around. You don't know who the key players are, or why they are keeping him on.
Focus your comments on your work and what you are doing to solve problems and work things out. It will iron out. This other guy will figure out that in order to push you off balance, he will have to escalate his efforts and get more creative in order to get the same results. He'll likely shoot himself in the foot in the process because it will require high-quality lying, fabricating evidence, and fraudulently representing facts in order to accomplish his goal of making you look bad.
Outside of lying and fabricating evidence, there is very little he can do to ruin you or your job. If he does any of these things, you will most likely be able to prove it, and most companies allow for a fair grievance process with HR. If you are able to show real malice or bullying, absolutely report it to your supervisor. It's OK to show you are upset, but remember to be professional. You don't know who the key players are, or who is allowing him to behave this way and why.
Unless you are really botching up your job, your employer will be reluctant to fire you. They will have no reason to. If you make too many waves, they might. So keep a low profile if you can. This guy will move on to someone else. He'll get frustrated or bored with you, whichever comes first.
Give this a try and get back to me in a couple weeks to see if he has simmered down. If not, then we can take another approach at that time. But try this first.
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I am NOT a therapist, a doctor, or a licensed professional. I'm just a person. But a relatively logical one. And I can't wait to help you with your complaint!
I look forward to the follow-up. My additional 2 cents include: be honest in everything you do. Manipulative people rely on the social pressure to agree with all others. If you don't disagree with something, even if the manipulator is trying to pass it off as a joke, voice your disagreement. Better to seem humorless as a first impression than to find yourself complicit in bad behaviour or even just bad policy. Don't be afraid to stand up for others, either. Try to notice if this guy does this to others and stand up for them if and when he does. This kind of social climbing is insidious and toxic. I have had experience with it, and only after much pain an loss, have I developed tools that will protect me from the bulk of it. A seriousness with him and a positive, jovial attitude with others has helped people see who I am and has kept his lies at a distance.
I think this one is a fine line. With people like this, it's better to steer clear of ANY interaction whenever possible. Ordinarily I'd agree with you and say staying quiet was akin to condoning and being complicit, because that's what these guys bank on--the quiet complicitness of peers.
However, if you do put your neck out, especially as fresh in the company, you stand to risk further and more serious retaliation from the bully. And if you're already a target, and you're new? Good luck. I say lay low until you get your bearings.
If the others haven't figured out how to protect themselves, that's their problem. When you've been there for a few years and have better footing in your company, then you can speak up. But it's a harsh world out there. Speaking up is going to get you trampled if you don't play it smart. If I saw someone getting picked on, I'd choose my words very wisely, and I'd choose my audience just as much so. I'd also give it a few go-arounds first, to see how others handle the situation before I jumped in. Seriously, people like this bank on the fact that someone is going to get hot headed. They lie in wait for that. When good people speak up, that's when they usually win because they are better at staying cool under pressure, they know how to lie, and they know how to play the crowd.
I'd be curious to see if you've had an experience where speaking up as a newbie benefitted the situation. Usually, a malicious person is going to retaliate to this kind of behavior. I guess if you come off super strong-willed and "don't mess with me" that's one thing, but even then, I'd like to know how you pull that off.
I do. And it does mean you have to stay very calm and level-headed.
Working in comedy maybe uniquely prepares you for this. I have suggested ideas in pitch meetings, and then heard them pitched almost immediately after by someone who has been there longer. I have privately tried out my material with colleagues, and then seen them go on stage with it.
In the pitch meetings, I usually speak up right away. Very calmly saying, "Yes, this is what I pitched to (whomever) moments ago." After this has happened a number of times, that person usually stops, and I've noticed other people gain the confidence to own their ideas, too. You say that these manipulative people usually self-sabotage, but that's not always true. Some of them are very good, and someone has to be the first to speak up. In fact, you might not be the first to speak up, because sometimes speaking up happens behind closed doors, and yes, sometimes there are consequences, but we have to all hold ourselves to the highest standards so that those who follow us have an easier road to tread.
As far as stand-up goes, I just made a point to let the guy know and the booker know that that was my joke. The booker might not believe me, but it means that if someone else complains about this guy, he'll have a record. It is not the one voice that will make people lose faith in someone, but the accumulation over time of many reports. But you have to be willing to make the reports from the get go.
The same feeling of nervousness and confidence happens when I make clear to folks that their racism and sexism aren't welcome and I won't be complicit by staying silent. It happens in workplaces. And the same responses can be made about bullying. "I don't like what you're doing right now."
You might get a reputation for humorlessness, but you will stop seeming like an easy mark.
Wow. These are some really great examples of basically being assertive to jerks before they get ahead of themselves. I love it. I like how you said
That was well put. Thanks for the added treasure.
It really is all about the accumulation of reputation over time. Someone has to be the first. :) Thanks for considering what I had to say!
Perfectly stated @improv. Being honest in all you do is the key, and keeping these people at a distance is the other half. Really, the two cannot be overstated. I've had my share of this as well.
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