DEAR LITTLESCRIBE: TEEN DAUGHTER WANTS TO MEET BIO-DAD. WHAT TO DO???

QUESTION OF THE DAY:

My Daughter of 15 who has never met her dad, has asked if she could. I was 20 when I fell pregnant, and he decided that he was too young to be a parent....He refused to have anything to do with parenting, as in NOTHING... NADA. So I have been raising her alone for 15 years - and now this....

My head is in a spin. Nonetheless, I have been trying to get in contact with him, but no success yet. For my daughters sake I will carry on trying...Any advice on the best way to go about this? I have sent messages on social media as well as tried to call him, but he hasn't responded or replied. Getting hold of him is the first part, what comes after that is the difficult part, what to say and how to go about it all...

OK. So DD wants to meet bio-dad, hmm? Well, you knew this day might come. So here we are….and now what?

Keep in mind, your daughter is 15. This translates developmentally into crushes, obsessions, and identity crisis as part of a typical day. The fact that she wants to meet her father is going to be—at least partly—driven by this phase of her development.

It is healthy for her to want to discover herself more, and wanting to meet her father shows a measure of bravery. But the MAIN thing she needs right now is to feel like she BELONGS. So we can address that too.

Meanwhile, let’s figure out how to meet dad.

HIRE A THERAPIST

If reunification takes place, everyone will need a little coaching: managing expectations, disappointment, and perspective, minimizing pressure, and handling feelings. Although excitement and hopefulness are high, unexpected feelings of guilt and anger can pop their heads up too.

And if reunification does not take place, you need to be prepared for that too. Otherwise your daughter could suffer unnecessarily.

VET OUT DAD

Do whatever you need to do to make sure dad isn’t some kind of danger to your daughter. She is still rather impressionable and naïve at this age. You never know what a person could be like so many years later. It’s best to be on the safe side.

Maybe try to meet up with him first for coffee or something. That will help him and you.

PUT DAD AT EASE

Dad needs to know you do not expect him to be perfect, your daughter just wants to know where she came from. And he doesn’t have to be a part of her life unless he wants to be. Take the pressure off him and let him know he’s fine no matter what.

Just come right out and let him know she’d like to meet him, no strings attached.

He knows who you are. If you’re calling 15 years later, he knows it’s probably about your kid. Maybe he worries you’re after child support. Maybe he has a family and kids and cannot disrupt that right now. Maybe he is ashamed and can’t come to grips with the time he has lost. Maybe he is running for office and doesn’t want a scandal. Who knows?

If you’re serious about this, put him at ease. Be chill and let him know nothing is hanging in the balance. You’ll be fine either way. Something about that attitude really helps people step closer when they otherwise wouldn’t.

HELP HER BELONG

Teenage-hood is a minefield…on a GOOD day. And the fact is, your daughter was something of an “accident” and she kind of knows it. And that’s OK. As coincidence would have it, most of the human race came by something of an accident. Very few of us on this planet were really planned. I certainly wasn't! Only one of my sibs was, and we were all loved the same. The fact that sex feels good is a great way to keep us from dying off as a human race! But still, it’s nice to know that even “surprises” have a place in the scheme of things. So…help her find her scheme of things. She belongs. She is special. She is important. She is unique. She is part of a tapestry, etc.

• Share stories of her own heritage. Studies show that kids who know the stories of their relatives and important things they have gone through, have a much higher chance for success in the future, and a lower rate of drug use, drop-out, teen pregnancy, and crime.

Share stories of heroism, growth, bravery, fear, embarrassment, happy endings, and struggle from her family line--including her dad’s if you have any to share.

• If you haven’t already, make sure you enroll her in a fun group of some kind— cheerleading, track and field, chess club, church youth group, science club—wherever you think she’ll feel like she belongs and is someone special to someone BESIDES just her mom. Make sure she has a hobby she excels in so she can have something to look forward to each day that helps her define herself a little. For me, in high school, it was playing guitar and doing ballet. What was it for you?

IF HE SAYS NO

If he says he does not want to meet, or he does not respond, let your daughter know possible explanations without making her feel too badly, and tell her to try again in a few years. Maybe she can write him a short, polite message just to say hi and she understands the timing may not be right, but he can always look her up if he’s up for it.

Perhaps add a few short little fun facts about her in case he decides to meet her someday. “Mom says I got my smile from you.” and “I like to draw still life, and apparently the artistic gene comes from your side of the family.” Might make him feel a sense of pride in his….”accomplishment” as it were, and he won’t feel like she’s too clingy and looking for something he may not be able to give.

IF HE SAYS YES

If he says Yes: Have her set up a few harmless questions to interview him and get to know him, like his favorite band, favorite candy, favorite movie, most embarrassing moment, etc. Keep things casual and light, and limit the first few contacts to an hour or so.

If it turns into something, great! If not, it’s OK. Not everyone is compatible, even if they’re related.

This is where a therapist can help coach you in the process.

Your daughter will be likable and lovable and darling, I’m sure. If he isn’t ready for contact, then it absolutely has nothing to do with her. Get that message across, and no matter what, she’ll be in good hands.

Best of luck! Let us all know how it goes, either way!

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