What makes a good parent?
How do I discipline my child?
A few months ago I started this blog and it's time for a follow-up post now.
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How times change
This time I want to talk about teaching children respect and discipline. In my opinion 2 pillars that will remain with them the rest of their lives. I am not talking about ensuring that they march or salute when you need them to, but the discipline to remain at the dinner table until everyone is finished with dinner and the respect towards people and property, so that they take care of it and don't abuse it.
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Last Tuesday my daughter came from daycare and a friend of hers had broken her necklace. The boy is a bit older than my daughter, but it's not the first time that he's broken something of hers. He's a good friend of hers, so they play a lot together and he's broken stuff on many occassions. Off course boys are a bit more rough handed than girls, but I do believe that if we teach our kids to be more careful and have more respect for other people's property, that we can avoid many of these situations.
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Maybe a bit harsh, but you get the point
You reap what you sow
A few months ago we observed a beautiful example. We flew back from Crete and in the row in front of us were these parents who let their children run around the plane and they couldn't remain seated. Our kids were a bit younger, but they behaved themselves from take-off to landing.
Everyone knows what it's like on a plane, a stressed environment after a stressful experience at the airport, small seats, people cramped like sardines in a can, small isles which needs to be kept clear for the crew to ensure that they can serve you to any ridiculous request you might think of whilst in the air ... that you'd never think off at home ... and then there's these kids running around. This was just one example, but when it came to the food they were also very picky and there were more examples. And before you start saying 'that's probably just one family', there were actually 2 separate families where the kids behaved like that and this was not the first time we'd observed situations like this.
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I believe for 100% in you reap what you what you sow. My kids, despite being younger and probably having less patience remained nicely with us, they eat what they're served and they say 'thank you' when you give them something.
Why
The key question that I ask myself and that anyone should ask themselves when their child is not behaving the way it should is why is the child misbehaving?
Reasons why a child is misbehaving:
- The child is tired, hungry or thirsty
- The child is sick
- The child is confused about where the line is drawn
- The child is not aware of why he/she is doing something wrong
- The child is exited (through playing or sugar intake)
- The child is bored
The why is absolute key to resolving the problem and coming to a solution that is suitable and proportionate for the situation. A child can become difficult to control because he or she is tired, it can also be that the child is hungry, I know that I get grumpy when I'm hungry, tired or thirsty, that's for certain! In this case you can't blame the child, so don't punish them for something that isn't their fault.
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If you play with the child shortly before bedtime and get their heart racing or if you give them a sugary drink, don't expect them to be calm when you want them to.
Off course a child should still be told to behave, regardless of the situation. When you're shopping and the child kicks-off because it's hungry or bored, don't be afraid to tell it off or raise your voice. My wife always gets ashamed when this happens and is afraid of what other people think of her when they're misbehaving in public or when she has to be strict with them in public. I then say, they're just jealous because you have the guts to do it in public and you have to follow the line you set.
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What can you do when you're away from home and can't put them on the naughty-step/in the corner, etc.?
First of all you go through the normal steps that I listed in my first post with the addition that you can still tell them that when you get home they receive their normal punishment. If you don't want to delay the punishment, because it's either too long away, or the child is really misbehaving then you can also put them in a corner where you currently are. I've done that particularly in restaurants, in supermarkets it becomes a bit more difficult.
Also when you get home and they've listened to you or they have behaved nicely, reward them for their good behaviour. It is as important to punish bad behaviour as to reward good behaviour.
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Consistency is key 😉
Consistency
The key to all this is consistency. If you've drawn a line with your partner, make sure that you both ensure that it is maintained. If you forget to follow through or let it slip once, you create confusion with the child and you make it easy for yourself to let it slip again. If you want discipline, you also have to be disciplined in its enforcement.
Thank you
I hope you considered this post useful and interesting. Feel free to share your experiences with me either below or on discord (wolfje#6587). If you want to read my previous posts on What makes a good parent?', here are the links:
What is a sign that you're doing it well?
Thanks,
Doron
I think that consistency in our treatment is important
Do not waste our duty to pay attention and not excessive pampered
Thank you for your words
Guter Beitrag.
Das Thema Erziehung ist wohl mit Abstand die größte Herausforderung im Leben, zugleich aber auch eine der schönsten.
Wie wunderbar ist es sich in seinem Kind wieder zu entdecken :)
Es ist sehr schön und es gibt so viel zurück und noch am meisten wenn ich sehe dass meine Diziplin sich lohnt in Situationen wie oben erwähnt. Das gibt ein schönes Gefühl. Aber erziehen ist weit entfernt die Grösste Herausforderung die es gibt. Die verantwortung für andere Personen und sie die wichtige Sachen ins Leben versuchen bei zu bringen ... aber es lohnt sich mehr als alles andere.
Wahre Worte :)
To be a parent is the biggest challenge in the world that way it's also give the biggest reward
There's nothing better or more rewarding!
Definitely an important question to ask and I like the list of possibilities the you provide under it. Also, your last point about consistency is huge. Something that my wife and I are finding really hard right now is when the other adults in my kids' lives (mostly grandparents, babysitters, and sometimes teachers) will not enforce the rules that we have set in place. When we get the kids back from a time like that, it is like starting all over.
Yes, I agree. On the other rhand it's also nice for the kids that there's a place where it's less strict. My in-laws definitely spoil my kids more, but this will also teach them that there's a difference and that they can behave differently under different circumstances.
Yeah, I am totally fine with grandparents being a more easy going place, as long as it is within the confines of the rule structure that we are trying to establish. For example, they won't really have chores there, but they will still need to clean up the messes that they make. They might get dessert more consistently there, but they will still need to eat dinner first.
I agree. What I have trouble with most is that we get together quite often and with family meals the sons of my brother in law don't stay on the table, but I want my children to remain at the table. This is very difficult, his lack of discipline with raising his kids is starting to rub off on mine.
I can TOTALLY empathize with that. I can hear my kids saying right now "Dad, why do we have to if they (their cousins) don't have to?" How do you navigate that without saying right in front of the other parents that your kids' aunt/uncle don't know how to build good habits in their kids. Tricky situation, for sure.
Hi! Thanks for your support, @growingpower just upvoted your comment ;) Hope you have a great day
You took the words out of my mouth.
I agree with you, education is work, but each family has its own situation. there is a heredity, you should not miss this. someone in the family had revolutionaries!
elementary courtesy and control over certain situations, literacy, food and shelter that we can provide to our children.
My eldest son, like you, is angry when hungry. this your male weakness.
if the child begins to lose control, and I see it, then I say strictly: "Romaaаn!" this is our agreement with him, the rest of the time I call him differently.
You are absolutely right, but this also depends on the individual situation. You have an agreement with your son and you follow that line, that's exactly the point I was making.
How does he respond or is he supposed to respond when you say "Romaan"?
he stops, becomes quieter. further, usually, follows my monologue, where I explain something to him. By the way, this year he goes to school, and this method is likely to lose power.
It seems you have done all you can, it will become more difficult once he goes to school, but you laid a good foundation and that's where it all starts.
Thank you very much for your support, it's timely. And every parent is pleased to know that he is on the right track!
Absolutely, especially since there's no manual and it's all learning by doing.
@wolfje real mantra for makung our kids future bright. Child moulds themselves as per their surrounding and family being the first school...it is must for every parent to give their kids the best environment with good thoughts and discipline. Which help the kids in later stages of life
I couldn't agree more!
well said. it's too much tough to parenting child.
ReSteemed
Absolutely! And 2 is more difficult than 1
But either way some parents still regretted the decision they took
Hindsight is always easy 😉
Not so difficult, really. Especially if they are of the same sex. Children will interact, entertain each other.
The first step is being a good listener
Always ask why? If you know the why, you will be able to respond appropriately.
Definitely, and don't be quick to lay blame someone next time they'd be free talking to you
I'm sorry if I gave you that impression, I wasn't blaming you at all.
Oh my, I have a one-year-old son and I'm already thinking about time a year or more from now. For now, he is just very sweet but there will be time when he will misbehave. I'll hate it when I'll have to be strict.
Believe me, it's tough now, but so rewarding in the future when you see how well they behave compared to other kids. It's so difficult to follow the line, but so rewarding, especially when you look at the future.
That's true. I hope that I'll grow with my kid and when that time comes, I'll be ready and mature enough to face these difficulties. Right now, he is yet small and very well behaving. It might be very different in a year or two...
Maybe read my first post which I linked above, I'm talking about the 'terrible two's' in that one 😉
You will do what's right. It's a parents' instinct and mothers have this even better than fathers. I hear from your words that you care and that's where it starts.
I've read both of your articles! :)
I'll do my best in parenting and I think it will be good and enough.
Please, continue with your Parenting series!
Thanks, good to hear and good luck. Exchanging ideas can also be very beneficial and sometimes helps thinking of solutions that are obvious, but sometimes overlooked.
Deuteronomy 6:6-9 And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.