The world is painted, by means of ulogs.org we will remove some of this paint.
Sometimes, the only seeming way left to explain one's self to the world, in this painted world, is suicide. In my case, that is currently it and not on purpose.
I am Talking Dead and i have been this way for a period now but the world knows of Walking Dead. Well, i am Walking Dead too and i have been that for decades now.
My dad, i wonder what to call his case.
You can't do his suffering, once you have his kind of make-up. He has done more than "time" in suffering and forget it, it just never stops. There are world(s) like that, where the battle is against satan himself.
You can't do "my suffering" either. If you have my make-up, you simple can't. I do suffering without outlet. I fully grasp "suffering".
Yes, some people suffer and fully grasp "suffering". Others do suffering and don't fully grasp "suffering". No need for comparisons but for one set, it is a "greater deal of suffering". And some do "time" and ages in it and hope that their generations escape it but when "hope" itself loses strength in meaning, generations arrive and replay "time(s)" in the same suffering. Altogether, these generations "suffer for fun".
By "time" i mean, like "time" like is done in jail.
When your self-worth, character, shine etc just never takes a beating, you suffer like crazy. You suffer "per minute" and "each minute in this particular suffering", when you have the rare ability to fully process and grasp "suffering", is "days" long.
Speaking of this particular jail, it is worse. Don't go there. "You will be alone".
All the masses flock around you and say your name but "you are alone" because among other reasons; "only if you die will it be known that you were in jail".
Now, if you are extremely loving, this particular dungeon of a jail, is myriads of holes deep. You basically don't want anyone to attain the frequency of this route of yours; "you steer clear and away from faces and enter holes".
You use your new-found darkness to emit light because, no one must find this hole.
You love by default. You bear every consequence. The load is heavy but no one can ever tell that you "carry load"; only until you are jumped off that cliff.
The world is painted overall, so who pays that much attention. Crypto-kitties have more value. Superman more fans. This paint we will remove on ulogs.org
Deep down, i pray to be able to effect this (ulogs.org etc) and see the light it brings and shine it forth. I want each tunnel to have light therein. (No longer does anyone need to wait "till the end of the tunnel".
I live and suffer for this. I don't want to do "suffering for fun" all over again. My mum did it and passed or maybe not; if i stay!
My dad is doing it now, each day, every minute. Even his unconsciousness isn't allowed to be rosey.
I am writing one full-blown post; one that explains ulogs.org and its "vi-mission" in one place. It will be ready in a few days from now. (Normally, i will write this in one seating because "i live this" but in the midst of "intensest suffering", i have been on this post for up to one month).
Ulogs.org is open-source and every intel that explains it, i will leave out there at the very least.
It is "one of my ulogacies"
Currently, "every thing around me" is a trigger for "suicide" or i don't know if that is the word. Silly me! I have a high measure of "self control" but my brain doesn't function well currently and my nerves are "always on". I don't sleep either and i don't have the ability to.
But the sharpest reflex in my brain is the one for "break your head on the wall".
I have serious "character" and "my character" can "damn it all" in a split second but i have other amazing "human qualities" too including "character" that keep me in check, in opposite split-second reflexes. Again, saying it out loud and i am that joking-ranter who loves only to spew sadness or well, perhaps, "words" aren't enough to explain these things to someone's else' understanding and "words" are the only thing i really have left, to where wasting "words" sap me dry.
I talk less.
Steemit has so helped me and it is helping me now but "help" is something i want to give instead. I will attempt my first power-down after two years of being on steemit.
In the last few months, it has been "rags" and i have very much been on the brink of "altogether quit" but my character won't let me just power-down and that is me.
Even if i am dying, i may chose to spew solution towards "abating hand-to-mouthism" etc for everyone, than to allow an easy tool like the "power-down button", put me to use.
I love the testimonialer route.
I will explain, why i haven't powered down in the last three months even "it has been rags" in another post.
Well, i will pause now.
It has been out there. Steemgigs.org, teardrops, untalented, macrohard, ulog.org etc and while it has been a hassle to produce these things in the midst of odds and an especial battle against non-human forces, these are my ulogacies.
I will push and push and push and "no!"; like @lordjames, i am not a fan of martyrdom either but "my being" i know, will push still. Now more than ever.
If i haven't talked much or responded on time or responded at all, you know why.
I can always handle busy, dying is something else. (I don't like using the word "dying" but gimme another word).
My power down will be to take care of some bills and apply some budget to the development of ulogs.org.
Ulogs.org, if fully-powered, is set to surpass google.
I want it fully-powered.
I hope i am able to control this power-down and not quit altogether. I don't want to quit altogether. I pray i don't quit altogether but it is left to Jehovah at this point. I do want to celebrate "me" even once and for the first time, with the breakthrough token (an emblem of human), the @teardrops SMT.
In my watch, everything is forgive-able. In my watch, "i so-so-so understand" (I am never-condemning).
Currently, i know of "a steemian that attempted suicide" recently and i know of another steemian, who is silent but whose dad committed suicide days ago.
"Let's pay attention. Let's return value to human". @ulogs & ulogs.org
I will pause.
Your boy Terry
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