Is The Romantic Monogamous Template A One Size Fits All?

“Monogamy is not a choice, it is a responsibility of a genuine human.”
― Abhijit Naskar

Is Monogamy A Choice Or A Natural State?

We live and love by the rules of society, but rarely do we take the time, if ever, to reflect upon them.
Are we that afraid to stand up against long held conventions? The fact is that we take society’s prescribed formula at choosing a life partner - without ever wondering if we wholeheartedly consent to all that it implies.

I think it is fair to say that we all fall somewhere on the spectrum of monogamy. Some have no difficulty at committing fully to one single partner with whom they picture themselves growing old together. For others, the mere thought of settling down with one person for life is too bloody dreadful to even entertain. While we may all come from the same species - we each are at our core profoundly different creatures. Why then do we force ourselves to follow and perhaps swallow - dogmas that we don’t even approve of through and through?

In today’s world, passing judgment is not only used as a form of entertainment - but sadly it is also used as a way of distracting ourselves from our own lives. When you point a finger at someone else, there’s still 4 fingers pointing back at you. It’s as if we seem to have this incessant need to convince others that our way of perceiving the world - and of living life- is the correct one. To hell those who think differently! Hence why we cling to those who share the same biased views as ours to reinforce the idea that we are right in what we think and do.

If the shoe fits wear it - but if it doesn’t, throw it away and perhaps go find one that fits more comfortably. While we seem to live in a place with a so called right to freedom, we nonetheless seem to be compelled to follow norms that we haven’t really fully consented to. Some will stay in unhappy marriages out of the fear of being judged if they do take the courage to call it quits. Others will hide their true selves to the world and those around them because they are terrified of the possibility of being rejected or labeled in a demeaning way.

This screams the opposite of freedom to my ears. While on the surface, we may have all these rights, underneath, we’re in constant hiding mode. To our minds, living a life that feels true to us isn’t worth the external chaos/judgments that it can bring upon. And that’s precisely the issue.
We don’t have to sign up to such fuckery. Norms aren’t to be blindly followed. They ought to be examined - and if necessary – deconstructed and changed.
While there are different ways to love - there is surely one way to make sure we remain in a state of misery - and that is to live our life built on a foundation that doesn’t feel like home to us.

Is Possession The Grave Of Love?

Some adhere to the idea that by nature, humans are the opposite of monogamous creatures. In contrast, others stand firm with the idea that monogamy is the one and only way to love. No matter which side you stand on, the truth is this: we all carry a bit of both in us. Now before you get at me – let me lay down the facts.

Human beings are by nature seekers of pleasurable experiences. We thrive on novelty – and we resent familiarity. We’re also wired to seek closeness to others – hence why prolonged isolation is like poison for the soul. The thing is that when we have all of these needs met, we usually don’t notice it as much as when these needs aren’t being met. It’s easier to notice what lacks in our lives – than what is present. Blame it on negativity bias. Now when those times happen when we find ourselves face to face with boredom, dry spells and disconnection with our spouse; we face a handful of options.

We can let it pass. We can address it. Or we can follow the devil’s footsteps and go meet our unmet needs somewhere else. The truth is that we’re all filled with contradictions to some extent. We all have contradictory feelings inside us trying to pull us into different directions. While it is true that some of us have an easier time to deal with them than others, the fact remains that life will always confront us with opposing desires.

For instance, while we’re natural suckers for butterfly inducing experiences – long term partnerships typically offer a smaller menu for those than brand new relationships. Yet here is where we are faced with the contradicting desire: the one to seek a profound and stable connection with someone – that offers both the stability and the excitement. But unfortunately, stability and excitement don’t come in one lifetime guaranteed package. We can’t ultimately get both eternally ; hence why we have to commit to mostly one. And sadly, a moment of weakness or perhaps boredom - is all it takes to make an unwise decision. If you don’t own up your desires – they will end up owning you.

In a way – this leads me to my second point – monogamous romantic partnerships require something that isn’t natural to us: the use of discipline. Choosing your partner day after day, decade after decade, requires a form of discipline. Turning down temptation demands discipline. Weathering shitty life seasons with your partner while the option of flying away is accessible requires discipline. While monogamy may have been the choice the majority of us have allowed to commit to – it goes without saying that all that it entails aren’t things we’d necessarily be drawn to do - if we were given the choice.