It's been a week since my last post, despite saying that I would be back to my regular routine. So, let’s get real for a minute.

I've been feeling the blues. The past few months have been quite hard for me. There have been high points, sure, but they have been very rare. If you follow my blog, then you already know of past misgivings. What you don't know is that in the last couple of weeks I hit a real speed bump.

The breakdown

A week before Christmas, my parents threw a party at our house. I'm not so much the partying type anymore, but I decided to join in on the festivities. After a lot of alcohol and what was a fun evening, me and my mother had a dispute. A lot of unspoken feelings came out and it turned violent. Don't worry, I would never hit my mother, though she did hit me. My step father came in to break it up, and being drunk, I lashed out at him. Long story short, I've felt bad about it ever since.

Now, as much as I'd like to take the blame, the entire situation wasn't my fault. My mother, whom I love dearly, has an alcohol problem. I've tried to tell her before, but telling someone they have a problem only creates more of a problem, no matter how subtle you are about it.

The situation ended with me losing my shit. Once I kick off, I don't stop. My step father called the police to stop me. I ended up in the watch house that night and left in the morning with a Domestic Violence Order... Hooray for me. I've since decided not to drink heavily ever again, go figure. I don't like the feeling of not being in control, which I wasn't in control once my fists had started flying.

Why am I telling you all this? Because I've been struggling with it ever since. I've come to some serious realizations about the people around me and have spent a lot of time contemplating what went wrong. I've learned that what transpired that evening was avoidable. Although I wasn't the one in the wrong, I am man enough to admit that I could've avoided the situation, were I in control at the time, which I was not.

Then and now

Since then I've been knuckling down on my business ventures. What started as a small time thing, has grown. That too has been hard to deal with, being that I'm doing most of the work myself. I have had a partner throughout the process but he's not as free to involve himself as much as he would like too. I've also been dealing with another person whom is awesome, but unfortunately not someone that I can rely on because they too are busy with their own businesses. As marketing goes, my business woes are not profitable mentions, but fuck it, I'm the kind of guy who gets stuff off his chests so he can move on.

Besides that, a very good friend was living with me for the past 6 months. He recently left to go do his own thing. It was fun having him here, though it turned out to be an unnecessary distraction. I had invited him to live with me for his benefit, as his lease had run out and he needed a cheap place to stay, not only that but I wanted him to collaborate in the business as well, and explained this to him prior. Unfortunately, his determination dwindled shortly after arriving and his time here turned into a holiday for the both of us. Since his departure, I've come to terms with it, but I am disappointed. I really wished he'd to come along for the ride.

These things have plagued me, including financial woes being that I'm now self-employed. All these things have put me in a funk which I've had to deal with in order to move on. I wouldn't be telling you any of this if I wasn't confident in my ability to move on. The truth is though, I need it to be said so that I can, as if this were therapy and I'm my own patient. There's an even bigger uphill battle ahead of me and my time will be spread thin, thinner than ever before now that I'm basically a one-man army, so I need to get over it and suck it up.

Moving on

I know what I need to do now, I just don't know if I still have the motivation to get it done. I'm too proud to ask for help but I think now is the time to do so. I'll be looking for better business partners in the coming weeks and I'll be vetting them properly this time. No more yes men, because it's time to get shit done. I've squeezed a six-year plan into one year and there's no way I'm falling back on my promises.

I'm sure if you're reading this, the negativity I'm expressing is all too evident, for which I apologize. I don't mean to be a downer, which is why I'm trying to get it all out now. What better way to do that, than to do it on Steemit, am I right? Instead of eating junk food, watching movies, and sleeping all day like an entitled teenager, I figure this is a much healthier way of dealing with my problems.

So, it's time now to get back to reality. To stop feeling down in the dumps, pick my feet up off the ground, get back on my grind, and do what it is that I need to do. To be honest, I didn't think I'd make it out of my despair this time, and was thinking the worse. I guess it goes to show just how much our emotions can get the better of us if we let them. I would like to say I won’t let myself make that same mistake but it only takes one bad day to ruin your week.

I know this is not a very entertaining piece of writing to endure. Thank you to those that have.

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Thomas Te Aroha Kohi
_{Owner/Producer, Thirsty Records | Hip Hop Artist | Entrepreneur
Born in New Zealand and resides in Australia, Thomas writes about many different subjects, mostly about those that affect him at the time. He likes to philosophize about each subject and does the same in his music. Addicted to knowledge though no scholar, Thomas tries to be original & true in his quest to better himself.}
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