Learning to embrace my emotions, especially negativity

We are lied to.

I'm not sure if it was the same for you but all through my life I've been told that my emotions were wrong. When I was three my Dad would smack me hard for crying, often following with the phrase, "keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about." It was ridiculous in essence because mostly I was crying because they had me out late whilst they drunkenly partied. I was tired. From an early age, I learned that crying wasn't normal, it was bad.

Then as I grew older I was taught that it wasn't healthy to be angry. That being angry was for bad people that couldn't control their emotions. Angry was for people like my Dad or the bad boys I'd see roaming the street. It wasn't good to be angry. I couldn't be sad either, although I received lots and lots attention for it, but sadness is a crime on the happiness memento in the household, no-one wanted me to be sad, they only wanted me to be happy and experience good emotions and be positive for it. It's the general way of things.

Pray you don't suspect either. Suspicion is for the suspicious, and suspicious people sit over with the shady people that don't trust anyone over there. It wasn't good to doubt in my household, because everyone told the truth, even when they weren't. I was told that the way I was feeling was stupid and that I shouldn't be feeling the way that I was. That's mostly why I grew up not trusting my inner self, because my Dad lied through his back teeth and told me that I was being like my Mum for thinking he was a bullshitter. My Mum lied to me too on occasion. What was worse was that she told me that she hated lies, and yet, she told the odd massive porky on occasion. I'll never lie to Alex. Never. I haven't yet.

I expect most of you will have experienced what I have in a greater or lesser fashion. Growing up, thinking that being happy, or positive is what most people should feel like all the time. Being told off for being rightfully mad, or having suspicion thrown back in your face as stupidity when you just know Mum has something she isn't telling you. If we think of it realistically it is traits that have been passed down from generation through generation in one big bullshitty snowball of carnage.

Such a freeing experience when I learned it was all shit.

To fully understand this, I had to start thinking about how other people would feel or react when they are feeling emotions like I do. It was hard at first because when there's applications such as Facebook wrapping us up in our own little worlds of 'I'm the only important person in the room' then thinking of anything else didn't come naturally to me. Yet, I prevailed through self-observation and watching others. 

We often forget that Mum and Dad are feeling, thinking humans too, and my Mum was terribly insecure, as was my Dad. They were passing down what they had been taught onto me, even if it was incredibly toxic. My Dad, barely had any parenting because his Mum and Dad were always at the pub, and My Mum had a super strict upbringing, a little Catholic girl was my Mum, and as it happens she was rebelling hard, from her Mum, her ex-husband, life, everything. See where I'm going with this? As I grew up my emotions were conflicted, fighting against one another as the wayward Dad inside me fought hard against the do-good Catholic school girl with a rebellious side. I was essentially fucked. Hardcore screwed. I understand why professionals had destined me for face down in the gutter.

I'm glad I met such amazing people in my life at the turning point. I'm a firm believer that life gives you what you feel at the time. Previously, I had hated myself so I had positioned myself amongst people that despised the ground that they walked upon. Then when I wanted to seek knowledge, truly wanted to change for the better then I found myself amongst people that wanted the same, wanted to better themselves, albeit they were much further ahead than me. They could see the dark path that I was walking and helped me out into the light. It's how I continue to grow now. I feel there is so much more to learn. I would be ignorant if I said there was nothing else I could learn about humanity, because I'll be honest and say it surprises me every day.

I let my emotions exist now. If I feel sad then I know I am right to feel sad. The same with anger and unhappiness. I feel those because I am right to feel them. I was told long ago that my emotions were wrong, that negativity was bad. I disagree wholeheartedly now. I think if I feel devastated I should embrace that. I should let it consume me and know that what I am feeling is spot on. After all, I am the expert on me, no-one else. I had to learn again to feel my emotions. I was like a baby awakening up to the real world for the first time. I was no longer rejecting the way that I felt. No longer was I telling myself to get a grip and just cheer up. I knew that whatever I was feeling in the moment was just and for the right reasons. It's why I'm at one with myself now. 

I am at peace.

Thanks for reading :)