Dear @darthnava,

Our stories are different, yet I want to give it to you and to all of those who might ever lack willingness to go on in full force, whatever is struggling on the path.
Somehow I always had that willingness, to raise from ashes like Phoenix and to continue to fly. I wish you the same energy and power.

I was born perfectly yet life kicked me from many ways, somehow always in the spine.

KICK-OUTS

At age 3, my father played with me, spinning me in the air and he dropped me by accident. I flew and smashed with top of head into distant TV. I still remember the pitch noise in my ears for hours and neck pain, but I couldn't explain it then.

Then it was war between Croatia and Serbia, and I was croato-serbian. At school I had to often defend against strong and mad boys even of higher age. Some adults too. I was really gentle by nature and kind, but then I had to enroll judo training to defend myself. I kicked them good every time. I will never forget the last time guy spit my face because he wasn't able to kick me anymore down to floor. People often treat to my family as they wanted to take our property and kill us. But we were all brave and intelligent. We always knew who we are and how much we love life and people, no matter what.

AT judo training, I was mastering a salto in the air, when you would run and jump and rotate in the air. I loved it so much that I was doing it over and over for 5 hours without a single break. It made me happy! It was 7:55 PM, my body was exhausted, but I wanted more! At least one more time. I run and jump with half force and I injured my spine heavily. I didn't go to school or could of move for months.

At 12 years old I drew a perfect design and technical drawing of a factory with rapidograph. When my father seen it he was overwhelmed that I am just like our famous ancestors, a genius. Even years and years later he was showing that drawing to his engeeners as example. So then he gifted me the legacy of technical accessories, divider to draw with. It was of his grandfather who was architect, builder, astronom... Somehow, I broke it. Then he broke me when he saw it. He went mad and was kicking me in the spine on the floor for an hour. That was the only time he beaten me, as I was his favourite kid. I forgave him as I understood his black out. But it left trauma over my spine.

15 yo, I was driving a motorcycle. An old lady ran over a street where there was no crossing. I had no choice but to hit myself in the wall. Hitting an old woman was no option, I knew I would recover faster. Another spine trauma and leg distorsion occured.

17 yo. again on motorcycle, an old man run in front of me, and this time I din't want to sacrifice myself. I hit the break, but ofc it wasn't enough. I kinda touched him, but again I hit the next car with head and injured spine. I called the police and ER to examine the guy, he was all ok. Months after we ended up in court. He had papers as if he was fatal invalid asking me a huge amount of money and to pay his life till end. I was kid ffs, I knew he was wrong, I just slightly touched him, and I had spine injured and noone gave me papers like that. Our country is very corrupted for years because of war and all the politics. It still feels today. I was never ever examined properly in hospital. They never took any pictures of my spine or none. And this guy, had a guy, whose cousin is doctor and boom I need to be his slave for the rest of my life. - but I had luck this time! Some real luck and justice! I had a witness who testified that old guy was hiding behind a parked vechicle to jump in front of someone so he could take some money of it! And judge released me of this silly request. I was free. I have 34 y now and I am so carefull that I never had such moment again. And there are cases, people are silly.

However, I always continued to live more, do more, love more. I never stoped loving people!

And it took me years and years to become gentle and who I really am.

But

One day it all came back like boomerang onto payment. I was in pain, real pain I don't want to even remember. I went to ER and got cocktail of injections, nothing helped. I been on them for months and still, I couldn't move, and even I can tolerate huge pain, I was crying and working on my computer. I had to pay the private doctors, I had no option. Two months passed like that and then I finally had breakdown. Then I was on injections as sedatives. This was going in loops for years. But I never stopped, nor I wanted to stop. I wanted to live as kid, free of everything, experiencing always new stuff.

Finally I payed various doctors to examine me. One doctor cried after he examined me, he couldn't believe my nerves condition, all torn up and damadged. I said please doctor, just help me, all I want to is work. I love working.
I needed operation of spine too, I had to much damadges in there too. But I said, no. This is technical issue, so I found PHD cyropractic and been there for two years every weak to put back my spine in normal position. I spent fortune on it, but it was all worthed. I remember, when he seen my MRI he said:

"How the hell you have Military neck?"

Then I told him my story. Then I told him how much I want to conceive a child, but still on my condition and medication can't have it. There are two doctors who are helping me now on this, and I won't give up until I breathe and blink! It's a process, and patience is all we can be.

You know what would I do, when injections wouldn't work on me, and I couldn't stand the pain?
THIS!

I would draw light calming blue trails over my MRI, where it hurts the most and meditate that those lights are filling the spots and that would ease the pain every time. on this particular image I was furious on doctors and hospital, that they treated me like idiot all my life with this. That's why I take it all on the writings and the image in colors, so I can heal. My private neurologist was shocked, he couldn't believe how I can walk straight at all. To be honest, I trained myself to do so, it wasn't easy but I did it.

Healing and Power of Will

Healing is a process, a state of mind and spirit that sends signals to the body. I have healed with the power of my willingness so many times in impossible situations. I did it with visualisations. It worked every time and doctors were shocked.
Like when at 18 I was in hospital with sepsa, doctor told my mum I'd be probably dead by morning. I heard him whispering that! And I said, well Mr. Doctor that won't happen. I imagined an exalibur knife stuck into my belly and I pulled it out. That's how it felt, then I imagined myself enlightened. In the morning doctors were shocked, all my state was great, like a miracle.
That'S what I call the power of will.

You can find your own creative way to heal even better!

It is not all about doctors, it is about your spirit too. I know you can make it perfect Darthnava! Just like I did! Miracles are happening every single day! Know that! Always!
Get engaged with your mind and attention into your healing process, stay active in it. Because doctors can only do one part, rest is all on you. And sometimes we do most of the part.

Living is art!

Big hug and best of luck!