Windows To The Soul

in #life5 months ago


The thing is, I don't even use the internet. Ever.

Said Lurch, a Finance something or other, in my office.

I sat down next to him and gave him the hard eye.

What do you mean you don't use the internet ever?

I decided to keep things as simple as possible just in case the stress of questioning turned him into a seagull and he flew away.


Lurch grabbed his mouse and rattled it about so that the pointer on his screen jerked about all over the place.

See, I never use it!

He exclaimed.

I sighed. A bone weary sigh. Why did I do this to myself?

Didn't I know the first rule of volunteering is never volunteer?

When my boss El Jefe came round to my desk and asked if I minded helping with the rollout of Windows 10, I should have chased him away with a stick.

Instead, foolishly, I agreed.


And now, I found myself talking to random imbeciles in my office who all seemed to have the computer savvy of someone from the 1970's.

Lurch was staring at me expectantly.

So, let me get this straight. You never use the internet? So you have never clicked this little icon here?

I hovered the mouse over the Chrome icon.

Lurch nodded like a dog watching a yo-yo made of bacon.

Aye, that's right. I never open it.

He then leaned close and in a perplexed tone continued.

But whenever I open it, this screen comes up.

He clicked the Chrome icon and a website called We Buy Any Car popped up.


A vein throbbed in my temple.

But you said you didn't use the internet... Ever?

I said through gritted teeth.

That's right, I don't!

Exclaimed Lurch, blissfully unaware how close he was to getting punched in the neck.

But you just opened it. You just clicked Chrome and opened the internet then said you never do that?

My voice sounded like rocks being ground together.

I don't. I never open the internet but when I do, this page keeps popping up.

Lurch gazed at me at if I were a large penised incarnation of Dr Who and he was my new female sidekick.

I closed the Chrome browser then clicked it open again.

The webpage for We Buy Any Car opened up.

Lurch jerked in his seat and pointed at the screen.

See!! See!! There it is again!! Is it a virus?

I contemplated picking up his keyboard and beating him to a pulp with it. I decided not to. We had been doing things on the cheap for a while now and it would probably break on the first strike.

No. It's not a virus. It's just opening on the last page you visited.

I made a flubbery bubbery noise with my lips and navigate to Google's home page. Then closed and opened Chrome again.

Instead of We Buy Any Car, Google's home page complete with search bar popped up.

There you go. That's it fixed now.

I stood and made to move away.

Hold on, that's the internet? I don't use the internet!?

Said Lurch in confusion.

Aye you fucking do, so shush.

I plodded off to the next on the list. A Java developer who couldn't open a word document.

Oh man, today was going to be a long long day.


O my this sounds like my husband - he has the 'talent' to open things or make things disappear or pop up which nobody knows where he found it or what he did. And he loves to click YES if they ask him do you want to........... Good luck with the teaching - not everybody has the time, energy or patience for it

That's the worst bit, when people cock yes and agree to all sorts of nonsense!! My mum was talking about getting a laptop and me that sank at the thought of all the support!!

Fortunate she changed her mind!

Hahahaha just remember she taught you to use a spoon. My daughter is also not very keen always but I just ignore her and she just has to do something - she may know more about technology, but I know more about life hahaha

Well, you know, that is a very fair point!! I do have to be a bit easier on her!

I’m guessing that this doesn’t fall into the fiction category. 😂

Oh, if only it were!!! :0D

I never use the Internet. I dictate to my mom and then she writes my emails - or in this case - comments.

Good luck with teaching cave men about the world wide web

He never heard the internet either!! I need more than luck!! :0D

Thank you so much for participating in the Partiko Delegation Plan Round 1! We really appreciate your support! As part of the delegation benefits, we just gave you a 3.00% upvote! Together, let’s change the world!

That's why I moved from support into development long ago. No dumb users any more!

There are still there but now you have 3 tiers of separation :D

It's the tiers of separation that must be maintained!!!

I like it when the IT office is in another country to the users - can't get me now can ya!

Our support is down south somewhere, I think they hate it because they arent far enough away, hehe

I moved out of it too, this was a favour and it's going badly wrong!!

Aaaarghh! never go back to support. Let 'those other guys' do it!

They're short!! Our upgrade has been nothing less than a qualified disaster, for some amazing reason no-one thought to do any testing or consult the Assurance team to see if any needed done. LOL!

Many of us impatiently await the long promised EMP attack that will fry everything.

When that day comes these people will be vindicated!! :0D

For some reason, I'm reminded of this:

Haha, yeah, it was pretty much like that all day!!!

How do you frequently open something that you never open?

Never mind I've just found someone who's more technologically inept than my aunty, thank you XD

My god, you haven't met my brother, he is more technically inept than your Aunty and this guy combined. I tremble when I think of the things he has said or done. He once tried to click the mouse on my home PC on the monitor, like lifted it up and touched the screen with it!!!

Oh jeez O_O your brother wins the technically inept award XD

I hope he at least doesn't do that anymore

I was so glad when my aunty got an iPad, my tech support callouts have since gone down by 90% XD

Callout is a bit rich I'm there every week anyway

Ha, he only did it once and it was so tentative as he deep down knew it was wrong.

I have a similar situation, where I am up my mum's all the time. It worksheet be too bag to be the IT support, lol

Windows 10 (oh my bloody crap) support, somebody actually using internet and not knowing it and a Java developer unable to do shait, all on the same day...!? It must have rained cats n dogs when you finally could go home. Luckily though the week has been sawn in half today.

The week is bested (almost) but I have more of this twoddle tomorrow. It is like the masks have fallen off and no one can do anything!

Jaiks, I guess you'll be looking for the weekend to arrive as soon as possible. Stay ZEN!

I'm trying my best to be in the zen! hoho!! :OD

What the?!!! Is this for real?!! "A Java developer who couldn't open a word document". Did he try to use his brain at least once for problem-solving? Hhahahahhahahaha. Upvoted!

You should know that Java developers don't use their brain!! They are too sophisticated for that! :OD

@meesterboom hello dear friend, you really are a passing person. That kind of person is never missing from the work team.
I wish you a beautiful night

I try my best to be patient with them!!

Should have deployed the throat punch then taken the keyboard and smashed it over java-guy's head, reserving the sharp fragments for your boss, El Jefe...But then again you'd probably spend a night in the clink for that...Could be worth it.

I trust with up the value of each action versus the cost, it was a close one!!! :0D

How do you work in an office and NOT use the internet? That makes no sense. Also, if you're only rolling out Windows 10 now, what were you on before?

Windows 7!! We are always behind the curve, we are actually being a bit quick this time at upgrading. It's only been a few years!

I have never heard such gibberish before as I heard today. He was emphatic about not using it but when he did blah blah!

Clearly talking cobblers - probably checked the weather and footy fixtures on his way out :)

He was blatantly non stop trying to sell his car on!! I dont know why he was bothering to pretend otherwise. Its not like anyone is that fussed with a bit of surfing!