The Breaking

Like the sheer pillar of boom'ity I am, I have been holding the family up and running myself ragged by cooking, cleaning, changing countless chicken tikka filled nappies and running errands whilst the good lady exhausts herself by watching TV breastfeeding our little boom.

With no cigarettes, I have had to rely on caffeine and junk food as my crutch to get me through. As I have already mentioned this has given me the air of a steely eyed madman. But hey, I am starting to relish the role.

Today I was once more dispatched to the supermarket. My brief was simple - buy several baskets of some kind.

What kind?

Said the fool man.

Any kind, we need baskets to put baby stuff in!

Screeched the demonic bird as it launched itself into the air and skrawked around the fool man's head flexing its viciously curved talons.

The fool man (yes well done, me) ran for his car. Phew, that was a close call. I think the post-pregnancy hormones must be kicking in, or out, or whatever is happening that makes my good lady resemble a terror hawk.

At the supermarket, I swiftly found some funny little baskets. I was rather surprised. Hurrah. I picked up four and ran to the till. The beast must be fed and I daren't be tardy! I swiftly paid and trotted off to the car. As I dumped the baskets rather unceremoniously down one of them split open. It was made of a cheap plastic that resembled wicker.

Hmm, it was gubbed. Plain and simple. I would have to return it.

I headed into Customer Services. There was a pimply faced youth with an air of couldn't give a hoot standing with a bored look.

I just bought this but look, its all split.

He took it from me with a lazy swipe and gave it a squinty look.

We wouldn't have sold it like this.

Of course you fucking didn't, thought I.

Well I wouldn't have bought it like that would I?

I lied like a prince at a brothel.

He glared at me with the full strength of his crusty 18 years of spotty fetid masturbation.

We definitely wouldn't have sold it like this.

Ha. So the game is on little man. Let's go.

I gazed at him impassively. I knew I could use words to break this little man but sometimes you have to wheel out the big guns. Sometimes you have to use silence.

I didn't speak. I just stared impassively.

He started to sweat. I could feel his pustulent will fighting mine...

The seconds passed. Utter silence. His fingers started to twitch. It must have been near a minute this battle of wills. Time for the killing stroke.

I raised my right eyebrow up, ever so slowly until it was fully extended. A frightening thing of querying power.

He broke.

Aye alright, just swap it for another one then.

I think there might have been a mumbled fuck sake at the end of his sentence. But I allowed him this.

I winked at him and carried on past to claim my bounty.