Core Values
What are we?
Mole-Hand stopped pacing about in front of us and held a hand out, palm up as is to weigh our collective testicles.
A challenging task given that half of the room were women.
Anyone?
He beseeched the silence of the room.
I shuffled my feet. Baws, I thought he was asking a rhetorical question but it seemed like he was actually looking for an answer.
Yer maw. Although a staple Scottish answer to many a question didn't seem to fit this occasion.
Mole-Hand clenched his open hand into a fist and pulled it in toward him as if showing off on a rowing machine.
What are we?
This time he stared out at the gathered throng less like a sad puppy dog and more like a savage sheep that had just been branded on the arse.
I looked about my assembled work colleagues. There were a fair few of us bundled into one of the bigger meeting rooms. We were here to hear someone from the Executive Team tell us about our all new Core Values.
Idly, I wondered if this is what they thought counted as a Christmas bonus.
Mole-Hand nodded as he scanned the room catching all of our eyes one by one.
This. This is what our new Core Values seeks to address. Only by knowing what we are, can we begin to know who we are. By knowing what we are we can hope to succeed not only 'out there...'
He waved at the windows as if we were in a Lighthouse made of cheese and outside, giant cats were prowling.
But in here too.
He thumped his chest with his Mole-Hand for which he was named and motioned around the room.
So. Just to wind up. Can we do a quick around the room. I will point and you can tell me what we are in one word. Just one word. Sound good?
He beamed like a Sherpa on a moped.
The collective in the room silently mumped and shuffled their feet. This was the bit that was always the worst. Why did they always feel they had to get you involved?
At least we hadn't been made to break out into smaller groups. That was always like a microcosmic Lord of the Flies.
Mole-Hand lifted an imperious finger and started pointing at people.
The answers started flying, everyone attempting to outdo one another.
Innovative?
Squeaked one little mouse.
Dedicated.
Squelched a bottom feeder.
The Customer.
Grunted an old man close to death who may or may not have been something once.
Mole-Hand paused and smiled.
That's two words but yes that's pretty good. Well done!
There were some more bland and shitty answers.
Finally the finger stopped at me.
I raised an eyebrow.
Mole-Hand did too.
What are we?
He prompted as if we were shy lesbian's in the woods at dawn.
Hungry.
I said, my mouth set in a grim line.
Mole-Hand paused, tilting his head to the side appreciatively.
This.
He pumped his finger at me as if I were a leaky Dutch dam.
Hungry. Yes! Hungry for change. Hungry to succeed. Hungry keeps you on your toes. I like it yes. Very good.
He moved on, dragging words from us like stones from a bladder, till we were done and free to go.
My mate BinJuice fell into step with me as we left the room.
So. Tell the truth. You just meant hungry for food didn't you because it's nearly lunchtime?
He asked.
I laughed.
Ha. Perhaps...
We are... holding a pointless meeting for the sake of the latest trendy managerial wankery instead of doing something productive.
More than one word, very accurate, and a surefire way to find oneself suddenly on the dole instead of gainfully employed. I hate these sorts of meetings, but I usually manage to squelch my sarcasm long enough to escape unscathed.
I hate them too. We have more of them than can possibly be good for any idea of productivity!
I am glad to be finished for a couple of weeks and he away from it all
See honesty and people interpreting what they want is the best policy 🤣
Then we have already won, the battle is over!! :0D
I attended a meeting in Katowice at GM when I first managed to escape the UK to here. They had a conference call arranged with a supplier. As soon as it started we had to stand up one by one and say our name, what we did, what we were there for. I never got that bit, as it was not a video call. And I felt like this "Why did they always feel they had to get you involved?" Snap.
Aye, it's will rubbish, man. Some of the worst ones have been the, tell us something interesting about you - I am like fuck off, this is work, I'm not a clown!!
Great minds think alike.
That was the word I would use as well.
of course...
- Sober - would also be an appropriate answer (regardless of the truthfulness) And if Mole-Hand questioned you, you could immediately ask him if he was currently sober. Then achieve victory!!!
Sober, lol!! Yes. Could work a treat! Ah, I love retrying to decorate these things even if it is only slightly or in my head!
I "virtually" attend a weekly team meeting. At the end of each meeting, they always do a round table and ask how everything is going.
For weeks, I'd say SNAFU. Then the next person would answer. etc etc
After at least 2 months, someone asked what SNAFU meant. I responded "Situation Normal". I am confident, noone went to Google to find out whether I was providing "fake news".
Now, almost every week, the most quiet, polite, innocent as a babe person on the call will proudly state during her part of the round table. "I'm SNAFU, everything is going well."
I remain on mute and simply laugh to myself.
Lol, I love conference calls where there is some trouble with the language or the regional patter. I use Scottishiams all the time when talking to people down south in England!
I used to be involved in some conf calls with some folks working in Livingston, Scotland. 50% were Glaswegian, 50% were from Edinburgh. I could barely understand either of them. Especially when acronyms were involved. But occasionally, they would argue about slang between the two cities.
I can only imagine if I threw in a couple folks from England into the fray.
"Ay lad, ye'd need de fookin Rosetta stoon!!"
I shudder at the thought.
Oh man, that's an awful combination!! And funnily enough we do always argue about the slang between the cities. Bloody east coasters. We think they are shit and they think the same back, lol!!
Mole Hand makes my type of questions,what are we, who are we... what do blind people dream, how can a person that is blind, deaf and mute learn without any of these stimuli!
They are the best kind eh. What is the art is the possible? What is within our gift? Who can we claim to be if not ourselves? Lol!!
Well, according to the images you put on your posts, you can claim to be a woman 😂
I can!! Women, children, old men and animals. That's me! :0D
This is every day of my life working for a branding agency. I was actually impressed by the word “hungry.”
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Hehe, splendid! We have many of these meetings, the opportunities are endless!
Those doings are always done for the edification of upper management to make them look "engaged"... either that or they can steal your ideas and pass them off as their own. I'd have said "constipated."
Constipated would have been excellent! I am more than convinced than ever that my company is on serious doodoo and that is why they keep trying to convince us that everything is great!
Sounded to me that molehand was fishing for ideas... either that or looking for a scapegoat for when things go tits up! I said constipated because it sounded like you were stuck with a turd for an interminable amount of time!
It was less time than it read message to be which was a blessed relief! They are always looking for scapegoats!!
If they just gave you actual food, a pizza day or something, it might result in the workplace attitudes they're looking for.
We talk about this a lot. Instead of pretending that what we want is what we don't want and just being real for a minute they could actually make us all happy. A pizza would be a great start!
$trdo
!BEER