Attack of the Clones

in life •  last month 


You getting the wine for tonight?

The WhatsApp message on my phone was visibly terse.

I could imagine the Good Lady peering at her screen, knuckles white and sweat beading on her brow at the thought of me forgetting to buy the wine as if she were a poor person checking her lottery numbers.

I was tempted to tease her and pretend I had forgotten all about it but there are some things that should never be joked about.

We were both excited, as tonight was Pizza and Wine night.

We had this thing we did on Friday's which was get wine and pizza and have ourselves a cool night.


I might have been a little more excited than the Good Lady as I had been starving myself so that I could be all ripped to attract admiring glances from chicks when we went on holiday next month. The thought of Pizza had me slabbering like an old Labrador hearing a bell.

Hey, baby-cheeks. Don't worry. I am getting all the wine tonight. Tonight, is our night.

I prodded my reply into my phone in a blizzard of fingers a lesbian porn star would be proud of.

There. Now I only had to get the rest of the pesky working day out of the way.

Remarkably it flew by.

Of course there were a couple of attempts by the good lady fate to derail my day and make it shit.


The first was the Boss Man, El Jefe materialising at my desk just after lunch.

Hey Boomdawg, you fancy working on a bit tonight? We have a major release going in to System Test.

He stood above my desk smiling greasily as if he had finally managed to hack his Ex-wife's email account.

And yeah, I ain't asking. Pew pew pew!

He pointed a finger gun at me and pretended to pull the trigger on me three times.

I stared at him. A stare so flat that people who didn't understand basic geometry were tempted to make YouTube videos about it disproving the Globe earth model.

No can do, me old cock-sparrow. Tonight is Pizza and Wine night.

I turned away from him so as not to witness him imploding into a squidgy, piggy mess of indignation and insecurity over his flaccid penis and lack of mannity.


The clock raced ever onward. Soon it was time to go.

I was out of there and on the train in the blink of an eye.

The train was hurtling toward home when my phone rang.

It was my brother.

Yo, BoomDawg. I was meant to be going up to see Mum tonight?

He said with that kind of desperate voice you use just before you ejaculate and you are not sure the other person knows you are there.

Yeah, what of it.

Well, a couple of the boys asked if I was up for a few beers?

He said tentatively as if I was his wife.

Tell them to fuck off. Tonight is Pizza and Wine night. I can't help you.

Oh, right. Fuck you then.

He said with a kindness that only brothers can have as he hung up.

Obstacles aside I got to the supermarket.

I grabbed the red wine. A beefy number and added to that some of their own handmade pizza nonsense things and headed to the checkouts.

Whilst I waited in the queue, I congratulated myself on what a cool couple me and the Good Lady were. Pizza and Wine. What a thing of beauty it was. It was just like us to come up with something funky and original to have as a ritual.

I smiled.

The queue was quite long and was taking a while.

Absentmindedly I looked at the other shoppers and their baskets.


Everyone was standing with a basket that had a pizza and two bottles of wine.

Everyone. Absolutely everyone.

It was like a scene from the Clone Wars only instead of being white enamelled sex machines clutching big black weapons we were all pallid and middle aged clutching pizzas and wine.

Wait a minute. Am I just like everybody else?


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  ·  last month (edited)

Anyone can do pizza and wine night but only you can do pizza and wine night like you 😜

Do you drink wine as well?

(I can’t do pizza and wine night because I don’t like wine and I’m developing an aversion to pizza because on pizza night there are always fights about who’s eating whose pizza which really matters with three double digits in the house and one of them being extremely fussy and I always end up on dishes and I hate cleaning pizza trays 🤣)

Ps forgot to ask if you felt a bit twilight zone in that queue 🤣

I do drink wine, in fact I love wine!

I can manage pizza night just now but as they get older I can see it becoming harder with fussiness. We have to get a pizza each, a kids one and an aduly one but already I can see the little lady wanting a different one and it all going pete tong!

And yes, it was very Twilight Zone! Literally, everyone doing the same, looking the same!

“Tell them to fuck off. Tonight is Pizza and Wine night. I can't help you.”

Man, Pizza and Wine night must be holy in every mans vocabulary! Mandatory and without arguing.

It is eh! I blummin love it!

You know you have grown into manhood when you finally are like everybody else.


PS... I am so ashamed of you! ;)

!tip .20

I'm ashamed of me too!!! I must kick start a mid life crisis of some sort!!!

  ·  last month (edited)

Hahaha. That last bit is gold. Also does your brother only speak in questions or does have an upspeak? (Like most Aussies do, which I was quickly made aware of five minutes are arriving in the UK and I've worked hard to eliminate ever since.)

Also did you think about using the beer wine from yesterday?

Also do you have a back up beer for when it tastes shit?

HAHAHA!! He does have an upspeak! And everything is a question for him.

I couldn't use that one, its for tomorrow!! I am dying to though.

And I have sooooo many back up beers it's ridiculous, in fact, I am having a sneaky chipotle beer whilst the good lady is putting the little aldy to bed!

No you’re not as proven by your admission of knowing what this voice sounds like “you use just before you ejaculate and you are not sure the other person knows you are there”.

None of those other middle aged fellows know that freaky Friday pizza night vocalization.

Posted using Partiko iOS

They might not actually!! Hurrah, I am not like them!!!

Hahahaha yes did you not get the memo of pizza on Fridays?? Where are you going on holiday next month?

I am going to the sunny Isle of Ibiza!! The quiet North not the mad South!

Can't wait

O wow lucky fish - the whole family or second honeymoon?

Whole family. Our first one with the little guy! It will be both mental and amazing I am sure!!

O yes I am sure you will have a great time.

I am sure it will be stressful but I am going that the good will outweigh the bad :0)

Or if all else fails, drink when the kids are asleep ...

What!?!? Y'all don't got delivery out there lol.. store bought pizza 🤔🤨🙄

Lol, we are pure poor man!! We only get take out once a month!

All you need to do is crack open the barley wine.

No-One within 1000 km will be doing that tonight!!!

Then I would have no Saturday night feast!!!

Well, if it's crap, then you are sharing half with your wife - so you only drink half.

If it's great, you can buy more before the Saturday fiesta begins.

Hehe, she would be gutted if tongiht was a beer night. Beer Saturday is the thing!

Beer on days that end in "Y" is a better thing.

I am drinking beer on thr sly tonight whilst the missus puts her child down, Ive done mine :OD

You are unique. Just like everybody.

I like that... I think! ;0)

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lol! Nothing wrong with being like everyone else if they have the same great idea I reckon! Hilarious writing sir meesterboom. I like the way brothers can talk to each other.