@maninayton On How He Stood On A Cliff Edge Wanting To Jump Over. - Descent Into Depression - Part 2 of 2

maninayton (58)in #life • 7 years ago

“I don’t like standing near the edge of a platform when an express train is passing through. I like to stand right back and if possible get a pillar between me and the train. I don’t like to stand by the side of a ship and look down into the water. A second’s action would end everything. A few drops of desperation.” – Winston Churchill (1874-1965)
Source

Cliff
Image courtesy of Phil_Bird at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I Hit A Wall

For months I tried to be strong and cope with my problems (see part 1 here) but eventually something had to give.

It happened very suddenly as if I had run headlong into a wall. The feeling that there was no future or reason to my existence hit me. There seemed to be no way of extracting myself from the misery I was in. I could see no way out but one. I felt that choosing oblivion over life now seemed like the only option.

That is why, one night about 9pm, just as dusk was falling, I found myself standing at a cliff edge looking down at the dark sea and rocks below.

I was aware that the tide was on the way out because I had checked the tide tables. I had planned it for this time so that if I did survive the fall I would still be swept out to sea.

Up to that point I had no thought for those who I would be leaving behind. My wife. My three young boys. My friends and colleagues. None of them mattered. As I mentioned in part 1 depression is a selfish condition that has no room for anyone other than oneself.

I must have stood there for five minutes or more contemplating on the thing I was about to do. I came close to jumping.

But something stopped me. A glimmer of the true consequences on those around me surfaced in my mind. The impact of my act of self-destruction on my loved ones would be devastating. I suppose that buried under my sense of self-loathing – for that is what I felt – there was still enough of a glimmer of responsibility to others that pulled me back from the brink.

It all seems a bit surreal now when I look back, but at the time it was very real. I was lucky because I was able to recognise that I had personal relationships that meant a lot to me. Just in time I discovered that there was a possibility that my life could have meaning and purpose.

Seeking Help And An Almost Immediate Recovery.

Pills
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net - “Variety Of Medicines And Drugs” by jk1991

I kept quiet for a couple of days about the episode at the cliff. I suppose I felt shame that I had fallen so low – despite everything I was still beating myself up – but eventually I managed to open up to my wife.

With her support I was able to go to see our family doctor and after a lengthy consultation I was prescribed anti-depressant medication.
I have never been a fan of ‘pill popping’ but my doctor explained that, at least for the short term, it was probably the best thing I could do.

I must admit that the effect was remarkable. Within a few days it was if I was living in a different world. Colours seemed brighter, everyday sounds had a musical quality to them and there seemed to be limitless possibilities in life. It was as if a huge weight had been taken off my shoulders. I was also able to discuss my issues with my family and was deeply moved when I discovered how worried they had been about my behaviour over the past months.

Although I was very quick to show an improvement, the normal length of time for SSRI’s to take effect is around 4 to 6 weeks and in some case a few months.

What The Tablets Do

I have since researched my condition and, based on the dramatic change that occurred when I started to take the pills, I have concluded that my depression is rooted in Serotonin Deficiency.

Mind
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net - “Brain Design By Cogs And Gears” by MR LIGHTMAN

Serotonin acts as a neurotransmitter enabling the efficient firing of the neurons that carry signals throughout the brain. The medication I was prescribed is known as a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI) that increases serotonin levels and allows the neurons to work correctly.

I have since tried to wean myself off of the tablets (under medical supervision) but within a few weeks of stopping, I found the old feelings of despair starting to raise up again. As soon as I went back on them I felt fine once more. Although I have since reduced the dosage I think this form of medication will be a lifelong requirement.

My Current Situation

As well as taking the medication I have found the practice of mindfulness to be very beneficial. It gives me tools that allow me to cope with stressful situations and to gain a clearer perspective on the world.

I still find myself becoming ‘down’ every so often but I can recognise these periods as part of the normal ups and downs of life. They are nowhere near the kind of deep depression I suffered from in the past.

I no longer drink alcohol. I have found that I no longer need the emotional crutch it used to provide. It also doesn’t react well with the medication so it is best not to drink at all. To be honest I very rarely miss it.

My health has improved tremendously and my overall energy levels are high. Regular walks and exercise are a part of my everyday routine.

Above all I am very positive about life in general. Together with my family I look forward to what life will bring in the future.

If This Post Has Affected You

If you feel you may be going through depression yourself please, please, please seek help. Talk. Tell someone you know and trust - be they family or friends - about how you are feeling. That is the first and biggest step you can take.

If approaching family or friends isn't an option then seek out a medical doctor or some other health professional. Again, talk.

If neither of the above are possible is there some organisation dealing with mental health issues you could get in touch with? For example, here in the UK, we have a group called The Samaritans who are only a phone call away and will talk you through issues and offer advice. Have a look on the Internet for some local group you can talk to.

Do you know someone who you think may be depressed and you want to help? Don't approach them directly but seek advice from a health professional or organisation as to what to do. They will be able to guide you on your next steps and, just importantly, advise you on how to care for yourself. Living with, or being friends with, someone who has depression can take its toll on you too. You also need to look after yourself.

I am fully aware that it is easy for me to sit here and attempt to give out advice but having gone through depression I also know it is a lot harder to follow if you are in a bad place.

If you feel unable to do any of the above just yet then please drop me an email here [email protected] for a chat.

I must place a very large caveat on this though. Please be aware that I am not, and do not intend to give the impression of being, trained in any way to help those with depression or mental health issues. However, As a fellow suffer I hope I can lend a sympathetic ear to your problems. At the very least you will have reached out and made a start on the path to recovery.

I check my email almost every day and I will get back to you within the shortest possible time.

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If you have found this post helpful please consider following me (I will reciprocate). Some of my posts are about mental health issues while others cover a wide range of subjects. For a taster of my musings please follow these links:-

My descent into depression - Part 1 of 2

Wild Orchids

I attempt to make some hot chilli oil

I wage biological warfare in my greenhouse

A local landmark created by a giant....well maybe.

Space Debris - Part 1 - The Problem

More about Space Debris - Part 2 - The Effects

Why you shouldn't blow up a satellite. Space debriis Part 3

A Dome For All Seasons - Part 1

A Dome For All Seasons - Part 2 - The saga continues.....

Is social media a force for good?

Early flyers on Filey beach.