I choose you

The day I have decided not to have kids is the day I became a mother. It was not easy to accept the first time I saw the first test. So I had to do it one more time and the third time and the fourth time.
"Have I done the test, right?", "Did I pee on the right end?", "according to some article i have read, these test are not 100% accurate." all those questions ran into my head over and over.

And then I saw the ultrasound, the tiny little thing inside me already stole my heart. I remembered crying uncontrollably. I remembered saying I am gonna keep you. I remembered that something had changed within me. I remembered walking out the clinic a different person.
It is the woman's choice to keep whatever is in her womb. I was offered three choices - abortion, adoption or devastation. I can already get rid of it and it wouldn't know. OR I can put it up for adoption to wealthy families who are lined up to have a baby. OR keep it and it will ruin my life forever.

While not having decided on what to do, i found myself in baby stores, looking up names on the internet and talking to my belly. The first kick got me, I was cleaning the toilet when it first kicked. It felt crazy, overwhelming, scary, joyful and painful. Then I have made my choice.

I gripped the metal side of the bed when the midwife told me to push. I threw up. I cried. I laughed and I pushed.

Fast Forward, the first time I saw her - yes, it is a girl!- I fell in love. With her in my arms, I made a promise that we will both make it. That no matter what comes or what goes, no matter how hard or easy it would be. We are both enough for each other and I will always choose her.