"It will get better with time." Does time really heal the pain of loss?
So, it has now been about a year and a half since I lost my best friend tragically and unexpectedly.
Beffy and I, drunken, disheveled, kinda gross, and full of love. It's one of my favorite pictures.
If you had told me then that I would be creating art, feeling bored, reading comics, and playing with my toys in 18 months I would have not believed it. I would have been insulted you could suggest such a thing. I would have thought "But how?? How? My life will never go back to even having some semblance of normalcy." How could it when one of the foundations of my security had crumbled into dust? When the only person I called family was ripped away from the world before reaching their 30th birthday? I couldn't imagine it and I didn't want to imagine it. It felt wrong. Everything felt wrong. Feeling anything but overwhelming despair felt wrong.
For the first many months I did nothing but drink, sob uncontrollably, sleep, wake up screaming, and stare idly at walls. My life was on pause but I felt like it was stopped. I didn't want to ever unpause it. I didn't even want to exist. I didn't know how to exist. I saw people laughing, shopping, talking on their phone and it felt alien. I felt angry. I didn't like feeling angry but I felt it and I had really horrible thoughts go through my head at that time.
I would think of people I know and how they should have died instead. I felt ashamed as soon as the thoughts occurred but they came into my head and were out of my control. I remember seeing a really elderly woman going to her car the day after Beffy died and I thought "Why couldn't she have died instead?" Not only were these thoughts cruel and shameful but nonsensical. I am not religious. I don't believe in "supposed to be" and I know the world is random and unfair. It doesn't play by rules. "Why Beffy?" because why not? Beffy is just one of billions of human lives and death is an inescapable part of that equation. Yet there I was questioning "Why?". Obsessively pondering and pleading to a god I didn't even believe in. Offering my right arm for just a minute to hug them again.
One of my favorite photos of Beffy. Though there are many.
But this blog isn't about the past, it is about the present.
I felt in was necessary to go back there in order to paint the contrast between then and now. Now, I don't want anyone else to take Beffy's place. Now I appreciate every human life as unique and valuable. I am not bargaining with a non-existent god. I am not spending every single waking moment thinking of what I lost. I am not watching Beffy's youtube videos obsessively. I am not listening to "Follow you into the dark" while contemplating my own suicide.
The hole is not gone. No, and it never will be. But it is....it feels more like...I really miss them but... I can still exist. I am able to think of them fondly. I don't always cry when they come into my thoughts. Sometimes I even smile. Now, while it is clear I am forever changed I feel I can continue to live. I explained to someone when Beffy died that it felt like the world went from color to black and white and to be honest some days it feels just like that still, 18 months later. But I do have days in color. And I have many days in partial color, flickering back and forth. There is definitely something missing. Something palpable, undeniable but I am still chugging along. I am making plans for my future. I am creating art and I am trying to foster meaningful relationships.
After all, my own time is limited too? But there are people still here and they need me, they love me, and they exist. So, I have to put aside my grief and try to pick up the pieces of my life. I have to harbor energy for the humans that are still beside me. The ones who walked with me through the grief. They are here and I love them and I am ready to give them that love. I still wear Beffy's ashes around my neck and I always will. I still slip them into my artwork. I still dedicate my books to them. I still think of them every single day but they no longer have 100% of my energy and I know they wouldn't want to have it. I know they would want me to live my life with vibrancy and purpose. Shit, well now I am crying. I haven't spent this long thinking about their death in awhile. And to be honest, when I really do sit with the loss for awhile I wonder is it really any better? Or do we just suppress those feelings so we can get through the days.
I guess, in conclusion, I can't say whether time truly heals grief but I know I am learning to live with it.
And though I will always miss them. I still have a best friend that's alive. And I love them just as much as I loved Beffy and while being overwhelmed with the loss and grief I know I wasn't much there for them. It's time to be there. If this loss can teach me anything it should be to value my friends while I can. To express my love for them while it's still an option.
Me and Sage. Boy do I miss them. Need to visit soon.
They say time heals all wounds.
What they never tell you is that time leaves one hell of a scar.
I'm feeling everything you're saying right now, I'll tell you the pain does stop. The scar remains forever though and the best advice I can give is to remember it as a badge of honor every time you think to look at it.
Yeah, its already....improving. I can see clear progress in where I was when I lost them versus where I am right now. But yes, I can tell the scar where never fade.
This post was beautifully written and from the heart. You sound like an incredibly strong and resilient person. And, You managed to become stronger and more full of love even amid some serious pain and loss. You're an inspiration and I hope that even on the hard days you can turn to the people who care for you and your ability to write about how you feel. Thank you for being vulnerable, I needed to read this today!
Aw, I am glad I wrote it then. I paused because of how honest I was with some of the feelings I had right after the loss. I have never admitted those thoughts publicly but I felt the need to be honest about the process of grief. Because it can be harsh, long, and ugly. But it is getting better.
Thank you for the kind words. <3
I can only imagine how hard it must have been and how much harder it is to be so honest. You're very brave and I'm glad the grief process is getting better.
Thank you for writing!
it was hard but it's healing to really get it out there too. :> You're welcome.
Beautiful and heartrending. Thank you for sharing. I'm glad that you are beginning to find joy in life again, even while still hurting. I am so sorry for your loss.
Thank you. I am glad to be finally starting to put myself back together. I enjoy living with their memory in my life and never want to forget them but I do want to get to the point of remembering them with a smile more often than a crying session.
Death will come to snatch all of us one day...dont be sad for your friend's loss, instead think how sad your life would have been if she wasnt with you all these years...be thankful make others happy...
Unfortunately it isn't really possible to simply not be sad about the loss. I am pretty sure if I experienced no sadness when my best friend died I would be a sociopath. Sadness is part of the equation. However, as I mentioned in the blog I am moving forward and trying to foster happy relationships with living people.
Your post is very very touching. Thank you for sharing. I resteemed.
It was in my feed but I saw your RS of it too, so I know it helped get this good story out.
Oh wow, many more people have seen it since your resteem. I didnt expect so much of a response to this. I am glad I was honest and posted it after all. Thank you so much
@barrydutton @lauralemons thank you for your comment. I resteem very very sparingly and this isn't because I don't read a lot on Steem it's only because I resteem only the very best and to see it worked good made my day!
gee, that is flattering. ^_^
That was a great post. I got about 1/3 done and was going to say I am sure she would want you living life and healing and having fun and doing good things you like... but you got to that, and I was glad.
I read the rest too though LOL.
I am glad you are healing. We are called to grieve but nobody has a set time or how to book for this.
Blessings.
Thank you. Yeah, I had a lot of people getting annoyed at how long I was grieving and I don't think thats something you can ever try to expedite. People need to process things in their own way and their own time but I also understand that, thankfully, not everyone quite understand how it feels to experience such a great loss. I do feel like I am starting to be on the other side though.