The Most Devastating Day of My Life

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I am moved to write this because, although I lost someone it was not to disease but to what I found out was a disorder I never knew she had. Even though I SHOULD have. The signs were all there. We were together 30 years. We have two sons that are grown men now. 

Although there is no comparison for the loss of a mother, as in Winston Wolfe's case seen here. (Please Read his post.) https://steemit.com/life/@winstonwolfe/having-a-hard-time-got-some-very-heavy-news-this-week Being here on Steemit and witnessing the caring and the feelings regarding a loss gives me the confidence to reveal a great pain in my heart for someone I loved unconditionally.

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She was my wife. When I first met her, I thought she was strange, iconic and intriguing and all through our marriage I did everything I could to accommodate her. She was the most beautiful woman to me and I never tired of being with her but I did challenge her on many levels regarding her behavior. And I LOVED her.

We probably shouldn't have married but she didn't have any health insurance so we added her to mine. She appeared to be eccentric and quirky, but very capable and a natural artist; almost like a "gifted" person. We were a "match" between the sheets and both very satisfied. We often made comparisons as to what it would be like to be with someone else but we just couldn't figure out who would replace either one of us.

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After complete health check-ups including a 3 day stint  at UCLA medical center and two independent doctors clean bill of health diagnosis, it appeared that she had no reason to fear she was being affected by any anomaly. So what was causing her "issues"? Here is a list of her issues: 

1. Narcolepsy: She could not stay awake through a conversation unless she was moving or eating or interested in something animated.

2. Catalepsy: If she laughed or cried she would become weak to the point of fainting.

3. She never blinked. her eyes were very big and pretty anyway and it appeared that she never blinked. but she did. 

4. When she slept her eyes were still partially open.

5. Everything and anything stressed her out and she had extreme reactions to the smallest events.

6. She could never make a decision and she never would arrive  on time, anywhere.

7. She and her sister both suffer with separation anxiety regarding their Mom and Dad and even at the age of 40 ish, they still competed for their parents attention. 

8. She would place herself in harms way, i.e. go for walks and stay gone for hours at  night oblivious to the time and causing us to search for her, go into the woods alone and come back after nightfall with stories of flagging down someone to jump her vehicle, etc. 

9. She parentifies our sons by asking them their opinions regarding her sexuality and doesn't see any inappropriateness in doing so.

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Because of these things, and because she believed they were caused by a brain imbalance, our sons and I put up with a lot, literally as "care-takers" protecting her from harm. But we thought she was normal; just a little eccentric. She was a great cook, a great companion to have fun with, we laughed all the time. I loved her so much. 

On the other hand, over the years, she has done many many selfish things to each of us that have "hurt" us, our psyche our feelings etc. but she always had her excuses and we were not to cause her stress because her heart and her brain couldn't take it.  

And then, right when she and I were about to live our lives to the fullest, right on the day when our ship came in, she announced to our middle son that she found someone else and to please don't mention it to his Father. She imparted intimate details of her relationship to our son and he now refuses to speak with her.  I was devastated and I havn't recovered since. I have been trying and it gets easier, but I was blind-sided and it hit me like a death. Even more so than when my own Father passed away. 

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She told me and the boys that she wouldn't be communicating with us anymore because she has a new family! I WAS DEVASTATED. 30 years and I never saw it coming, never heard a single complaint. And I don't know how to resolve it without moving on and never allowing her back in my life. I really, really really hate that that's the way it will have to be. I loved and love this woman and I don't know what I am going to do without her. I miss her and it hurts like nothing I've ever felt.

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Anyway, thanks for reading.