The night we murdered Clare — Memories of my ritual abuse in the UK

in life •  9 months ago

Clare was around the same age as me at the time. Ten years old. They kept her in a cage in the basement at night with me and some other children. It seemed to excite our abusers that they could demean us to this point. I became friends with Clare and I dreamed that we could escape together. There was a boathouse by the lake and I thought that if we could break in and steal a boat and cross the lake we would be free.

I realize now that this would have been impossible. Across the lake was just more England. The country that abused us — and still abuses children on an industrial scale, and hides the evidence. Just like it hid the evidence of the millions it killed in the colonial holocausts of the so-called 'British Empire'.

Me and Clare would have escaped across the lake into more of the same prison.

For a week, they tortured us in the house. Half-way through the week, they caught me trying to break into the boathouse and they pushed my head into the water of the lake until I thought I would die. Then they dragged me out again. I felt like my mind was shattered.

A few days later I was brought into one of the sheds they had in the grounds of the house. Clare was already there. She was tied in a chair. She looked terrified and I felt terrified too. One of the pedophiles who ran the camp put a fork in my hand — the kind of fork that looks like normal cutlery. He told me to stab Clare or they would kill me.

I decided right then that I would let them kill me.

The men stood in a circle around us and shouted at me.

I cried and screamed for them to stop. But the man who led the group, grabbed my hand with the fork in it. He was huge and furious. He forced my hand, with the fork in it, into Clare's face. I closed my eyes and disappeared.

When I came back, they were all stood in a circle around me. The men. Shouting.

"What have you done? You killed her! What did you do? What did you do?"

I couldn't look in the chair where Clare was. I knew she was dead.

They shouted and kicked me until I believed I was the one who killed Clare, not these men. They shouted until I knew I could never be forgiven, and life for me was over. I had killed Clare; the men said so. I believed them for years.

It was only decades later that I began to piece together the experiences of that camp in the forest in England. To face what we did to Clare. How many other children did they kill? How many other children did they make kill? These are questions that still haunt me.

And, even now, I fear that this story won't be believed. Just like I knew it wouldn't be believed back when I was a kid.

And this is how it works. This is how these pedophiles and child-torturers get away with it. They do things to kids that you wouldn't believe.

So that you don't believe it.

So that you don't question the real reasons why powerful psychopaths run our civilizations. So that you ignore the needs and feelings of children and repeat the cycle. So that you fall asleep and stay asleep.

I wrote this post for Clare, she was murdered almost 30 years ago. I loved her and they killed her with my hand.

I was just a kid. She was just a kid.

If you want to understand more about how these gangs of child-abusers operate, read my previous posts which describe the methods and techniques these abusers use to organize their crimes and hide evidence.

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Thank you @kida for another powerful post! I am so inspired by your courage to discuss your experience as a survivor of RA. You are Awesome!! 100% upvote, already following and Resteemed!

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Thanks @dakini5d
I'm glad I made it far enough out to potentially help destroy the system.
I almost didn't.

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I am so glad you made it out, too. I have several RA survivor friends and mentors who began the exposing of RA 30 years ago and it is amazing to watch society finally having to acknowledge the reality of organized ritual abuse world-wide. So, you have my support every step of the way

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Thanks, @dakini5d

I think the most obvious evidence for the reality of extreme ritual abuse taking place in secret is that 'normalized' ritual abuse takes place in public:

Most of our societies are ritually abusive: Debt-based currency; gender inequality; racism; war.

All that these secret groups are doing, in private to children, is conditioning the next generation of adults who abuse in public.

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excellent point! connecting the dots and exposing the conituum of ab/use in the sado-society is soooo important! Well said.

Re-Steemed... sadly...
I recently shared an interview with Jay Parker who describes the same types of events. Thank you again for being here and recording these memories for others to learn from. Kind regards...

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Thank you for your support @frankbacon. It was almost impossible for me to get to the point where I am able to talk about what happened, but I believe that awareness is the only way out.

The only way people will wake up to what is done to children is if I speak out. Staying silent nearly killed me, and I owe it to Clare and to the other children they killed to be a witness to these crimes.

I hope the world is changing. And I'm glad Steemit is here to provide a space for the indelible eyewitness accounts of abuse-survivors to be recorded.

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Kindest regards my friend! We're here to help.
Please never give up on your healing and Alchemizing these events into something more profound that can help more people out of the Darkest of corners. You will make it!

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god bless Clare. you are good person and clare loves you @kida

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Thank you @liquidflame
I feel Clare gave me a lot of strength to speak out. I'm sure she's somewhere peaceful and bright.

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Wow. That is a powerful story to share.

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Thank you for reading and supporting, @kate-m

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Am now following and resteemed your post. I'll not comment much now as this story is a lot to process! Thank you for sharing.

So sorry you had to go thru this. Only thing I can give you is my infinite support. You have my resteem every time. Like I said on your other post, I'm gonna write invite post about you tomorrow. I will also send few messages to some people on Steemit that will be supportive to you and this subject you talk about.

Much love.

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Thank you so much for your support, @cmoljoe.
I'm hopeful that these systems of abuse can be exposed, and with urgency. I don't want another generation of children to face the same.

It's a horrifying story. You must have been through a lot of pain. I cannot imagine a life like that. These child abusers need to put in front of the court and be given a harsh punishment so that those who abuse think a hundred times before doing such acts. I appreciate your patience and strength that you must have shown all these years. Keep believing.

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Thank you for your support, @syedubair

The problem, as I see it, is that the abusers are part of the UK Government, and the police, and the court system. So, sadly, no court or police service exists that can take significant action. Past Prime Ministers were raping and murdering children in the UK:

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This is insane. I know that all these rubbish people are part of government not just in UK but almost everywhere. That's why I don't support these governments. Their rules are their desires. They will rule with what they like and are comfortable with. They can murder people, they can rape, they can steal, they can do anything for their desires.

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What was Claire's last name? Where was this camp? Did you report this murder to the police?

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Important questions, @viraldrome, thank you.
Yes, I attempted to report the murder to the police. I think, for context, it's significant to note that the police were themselves raping and murdering children in the UK, and are instrumental in perpetuating this abuse. A police officer was among the men who sexually abused me.

I attempted to report my abuse, and my abusers, most recently in 2016. I began by reporting my parents. Far from taking interest in the crimes, I was quizzed by the police about why I waited so long to report the abuse, and when I attempted to make further reports, I was told by the officer that this was too much to report at one time. This is a typical experience faced by abuse survivors in the UK.

Sadly, the police in the UK actively participated in pedophile rings and it is significant to remember that the British Government was raping children and concealing the evidence.

So, reporting historical child-murders or rapes to the police is a near-impossible undertaking. Nothing happens in response. The national enquiry into the rape of children in the UK has gone through many, many chairs because they are unable to find anyone in a position of legal authority in the UK who is not incompetent or connected to a suspected paedophile.

So, you can see why my report went unheard. In effect, this is my report here, on Steemit. If the police have any interest in prosecuting Clare's killers at some point in the future, then all the information they need is here. Sadly, they appear to have no interest because they support the very power structures that facilitate child-abuse.

Regarding Clare's last name; I don't know.

The problem is, I spent 30 years forgetting what happened. I drank heavily and nearly killed myself many times in order to avoid the pain of recollecting the full horror of what happened in those woods. It is a miracle, in a way, that I can remember as much as I do, given the abuse I was subjected to.

I have tried to research where the camp was, and so far I cannot be certain. I was ten years old, and forcibly disorientated throughout the experience. However, it looks and feel like it may have been this location: https://www.outwardbound.org.uk/centres/ullswater/

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I understand the police not investigating pedophiles, my uncle was molested by a catholic priest and reported it and the RCMP in Canada and they beat him up. It's not because police were in the ring though, more like they wanted to protect the image of the "fine upstanding" priest. Trust me I get that part.

The issue I have is with the murder. Most of the reported big pedophile cases in the UK, like say Jimmy Saville, don't involve murder. That is a whole other thing. This girl must have a family who misses her. There must be missing person reports. Personally if it was me I would try and harness the power of the internet to try and find out who this girl was. Even 30 years ago people asked questions when kids went missing. In my opinion trying to find out who this girl was is your best path towards some sort of closure.

Good luck to you

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Thank you for your support @viraldome.

I tried researching online. The problem is that if she came from a so-called 'care home' then it is possible that no questions were asked.

Sadly, it is very possible that Jimmy Saville killed children.

I expect that Clare, like me, was chosen specifically because she was not adequately cared for or respected. Her disappearance may not have been recorded.

If someone reading this knows of a way to search missing children information in the UK throughout the 80s, then let me know. Personally, I feel Clare is fighting this with me, and the closure I need is the complete dismantling of the UK Government.

140,000 children go missing in the UK each year

Very strong memories, i just found your text in this sea of posts in steemit. So i need to ask, its all real? Or mix with ficction?
If its real this material is really strong, really serious!
Thanks for share! Im from Brazil!
Follow you now.

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Thank you for your support, @thomashblum

Sadly, my account is true. And I am not the only one who has written about this kind of experience.

Thank you for reading.

I am so sorry :'( :'( :'( Please keep speaking your truths. We are listening. We believe you.

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Thank you, @lyndsaybowes
I will keep writing.