There’s Something Wired Wrong In Me: Living with Depression, Anxiety, and Panic Disorder.
My Mind is Broken and I Don’t Know How to Fix it
I’ve met some really nice people here on Steemit and their friendships are important to me.
So, maybe some of you will read this and understand me a bit better.
If you have seen some of my posts before, you may have noticed that I don’t talk much about myself or talk much in discord.
Or maybe you’ve seen one of my open mic videos and wondered why I sound like a terrified, tiny mouse when I’m talking.
Well, there is a reason for this and I call it the crazies.
My doctors call it agitated depression, social anxiety, panic disorder, agoraphobia, and a mild case of OCD.
I have irrational feelings that others hate me.
This causes me to withdraw and avoid other people.
These feelings are likely just a projection of me hating myself.
I spend all my time either working, sleeping, or worrying.
The idea of leaving the house even to just go to the store fills me with panic.
I live in a constant state of fear. Mostly fear of dying.
I feel alone, even though I am surrounded by those who love and care for me.
I’m exhausted all the time.
I sleep a lot, too much actually.
In any situation, I imagine the worst case scenario.
Prime example: I got bit by a mosquito last night and was immediately sure that I had contracted the West Nile Virus.
I live in a constant state of anxiety, fear, and worry which in turn causes me to feel depressed.
I used to think that I just had depression, but the culprit for me is really the anxiety and panic disorder which in turn leads to depression.
Anxiety and Panic Disorder
When you are in a threatening situation your fight or flight mode kicks in and adrenaline rushes through your body to help you either fight or flee.
As these stress hormones travel throughout the blood stream, they cause the fear center of the brain, the Amygdala, to become dominant while causing all other non-emergency functions of the brain to become suppressed.
This causes psychological and physiological changes due to the maximization of these emergency functions and the suppression of these non-emergency centers of the brain like communication and rational thinking.
A panic attack is when there is no external threatening situation, yet your fight or flight mode kicks in and adrenaline rushes through your body.
There is nothing to fight and nothing to flee from so the adrenaline is rushing through and horrible symptoms occur because it isn't being used by fighting or fleeing.
The symptoms of a panic attack vary from person to person but common symptoms include:
• Heart palpitations or increased heart rate
• Chest pains and feeling like you might be having a heart attack
• Feeling dizzy like you may faint
• A tingling sensation in your extremities or mouth
• Feeling a sense of terror or doom
• Feeling like you are about to die
• Flu-like symptoms of chills and sweat
• Difficulty breathing or hyperventilating
• Feeling a loss of control
If you are trying to escape something that is externally threatening you, you would then feel release and relief when the threat was finally gone.
But when you have a panic attack, there is no escape.
The thing that is threatening you is yourself.
I’ve experienced a lot of physical and emotional pain during my lifetime and I have never experienced a worse feeling than not being able to escape myself during these times.
It causes me to not want to exist.
Another symptom of constant heightened anxiety is depersonalization which is a feeling of being detached from reality.
It can feel like you are observing yourself from outside of your body.
It can make you feel like you are going crazy.
Depersonalization can occur when the body is in a constant state of stress and anxiety. The suppression of all non-emergency functions of the brain causes the brain to not communicate effectively.
Rationalization, communication, and emotional responses are suppressed during times of heightened stress causing a disconnect as to how we perceive, feel, and process information.
So, Why Am I Like This?
I was lucky enough to be blessed with both sides of my family experiencing some form of mental illness.
Most days it’s a struggle to just exist.
This is a particularly bad day, that’s why I’m writing this.
I also recently experienced, yet again, criticism of my medical condition from a few people that I know and I would like to do my part to spread some awareness.
Some people who don’t suffer from anxiety disorder, depression, or have any loved ones who are suffering don’t understand it.
Having a diagnosis of anxiety or depression is not just simply feeling stressed or sad. Everybody feels those things, it’s natural.
Experiencing true depression can mean not wanting to wake up, staying in bed all day, not wanting to eat, not wanting to shower, and a multitude of horrible things with the worst case scenario being wanting to die and/or actually committing suicide.
Experiencing true anxiety disorder means having constant panic attacks, constant feelings of depersonalization so that you can not function or communicate with others, physical wear and tear on your body from constant stress hormones, OCD, agoraphobia, and a multitude of other traumatic symptoms.
The stigma for those suffering from true depression and anxiety is real and horrible.
Sometimes depression and anxiety can be caused by external life tragedies, PTSD, or even recovering from substance abuse.
Sometimes these people need medication and sometimes they can eventually heal where they don’t need medication anymore.
Others are actually experiencing chemical imbalances in the brain.
These people need medication in order to function and/or survive.
Also, some people have mild cases, while others have it more severe.
When I was 16, a light switch went out in my brain.
Prior to that I was a happy and rather bubbly person.
Since that unfortunate change within me, I have spent my entire adult life on and off medications, trying different therapies, and experiencing the stigma of depression and anxiety.
I’ve been criticized and judged for my medical condition by society and people who know me for years:
- You don’t need that medication
- Those pills are horrible for you
- You need to be strong
- Stop being so negative
- Anyone who needs to take pills is weak
- Cheer up!
- Relax!
- You should be grateful that you’re alive
- Other people have it much worse than you
- Be positive!
- You just need some sunshine and yoga
It is heartbreaking that people don’t understand and comments like these make it even worse.
I’ve gone against my doctor’s advice several times and weaned off my medication only to be met with disastrous and sometimes life threatening results.
If someone was diagnosed with Schizophrenia we wouldn’t berate them for being on medication.
If someone had a heart condition we wouldn’t tell them that they didn’t need their medication.
Let us not cause people to feel ashamed for their medical condition just because it involves the brain.
Let us instead show respect, empathy, and understanding for those who are suffering from depression and anxiety.
Thank You
I got a bellyRub and this post has received a 1.42 % upvote from @bellyrub thanks to: @zeartul.
Thank you @zeartul :-)
You're welcome :).
I hope you are better now, I had a touch of the crazies myself for a moment there.
Source
lol thank you, that meme made me giggle. :-)
Aren't the crazies just lovely?
You gotta do what works best for you and if medication works then tell those people judging you to pike off. I've felt a lot of the same things throughout my life, like feeling always alone even when surrounded by love etc. After the death of my wife, the doctors had me try a few different anti-depressants which only served to make me want to kill myself. I stopped taking them immediately. I have to say meditation and I hate to say exercise, especially yoga helped a lot as does pouring my heart out in my lyrics. What I hate is people around me criticizing my lyrics for being too negative. I tend to see reality, not sugar coated fake positive that's not there. Anyway, I'll resist ranting about that and just say I wish you peace with your journey.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and I'm sorry for your loss and pain. I understand about the lyrics, people have complained about my music being too dark before. And you are right about exercise and yoga. I do a bit of yoga every night and it does help me a little bit.
I'm rather familiar with anxiety and clinical depression. I don't think I have it as bad as some other people, but it's with me every day. I take generic Cilexa to control the anxiety, and thus the depression. The shrink believes that I have a chemical imbalance in my brain because the citalipram is somewhat effective for me. I don't normally get panic attacks from my anxiety, but I have had a couple of them. They are really no fun at all!
I think everyone with anxiety, depression, OCD, and all the other related conditions experiences it in their own unique way, it's a comples set of symptoms, which is why it can be so difficult to treat successfully.
Those of us with anxiety and depression don't need non-professional suggestions on how to help it, we just need understanding and a bit of empathy.
It really pisses me off when someone says "other people have it much worse than you". I always want to say, "how can you possibly know that, you asshole!"
Those people who say, "you just need to cheer up" should have it for a week or two and then see what they think. They might have a bit more understanding after that...
I'm sorry that you have to deal with this too, but I'm glad to hear that you found a medication that works for you.
I appreciate your understanding, it is so frustrating when people make insulting comments because they don't understand.
Thank you for sharing your story Amber and for your friendship. :-)
You're welcome!
Writing this is so brave. I am really proud of you for sharing this and raising awareness - also very glad to know more about you. We have an increasing amount of things in common. It makes me sad to see how much you struggle because in the short time that I have known you I have begun to truly care about you. I really wish there were some way I could help. You have such a beautiful soul and the people who are worthy already accept you for everything that you are. I would never want to make you feel worse by giving advice that does not properly show respect or understanding. I am really sorry if I have - unintentional. I can relate to true depression and anxiety and also exactly what you mean when these words are used too lightly. Without meaning to lessen what you go through - I would say there are different levels of the real kind. I am on another level and work so hard to cover over up my anxiety and depression that it might not appear to be that bad. But it really is. Many of your words here echo my thoughts. I only bring up myself because I wanted you to know that I do understand. You aren't alone in this. I am here for you if you need to talk. <3
Thank you for your friendship, compassion, and understanding. I'm sorry that you have to deal with this as well.
There are definitely different levels and everyone experiences these things in different ways.
Please don't be sorry for any advice you have given along they way. I appreciate your help and I have your Mantra in my phone as a daily reminder: Relax, Release, Refresh, Refocus.
Thank you for your caring comment and support, I'm always here if you want to talk as well. :-)
I am glad the mantra is a helpful daily reminder!
And thank you so very much for the help with my camera :)
I have already started a lovely piece of gothic artwork that I was going to gift you today.
Take care and remember that we all love you. <3
Cool, I can't wait to see it!
Thanks for your support and love, much love to you as well. <3
It is so difficult dealing with panic attacks, the first time it happened to me was as i waited in a queue of traffic at traffic lights and i got the surge of adrenaline (didnt know what that was at the time and it is very frightening) it is something that has been with me for nearly a quarter of a century now and i have learned to live with it although i can still get anxious to this day, my heart goes out to you and you are so right that no one can really understand what is going on in our bodies or our minds unless they have experienced it from a personal standpoint the trigger for my own personal anxiety was the loss of my mother , that manifested itself some months later while i had just bought a house on my own and at the same time was having work issues and had to change jobs, over the years i have had to learn various coping strategies that have ranged from avoidance to an attitude that i need to feel the fear and do it anyway, my lowest ebb was when i had a panic attack at a cash machine, and every time i went near a cash machine i had the same reaction and i found myself at home with no money and in absolute fear of the prospect of going and withdrawing cash, i managed to go to one i had never been to before and the panic wasnt as bad, i found mainly, my attacks were situational and that i would bring them on myself with overthinking and the what if i have a panic attack thought constantly going through my head, the best thing i did was to get a bike as it kind of matched my adrenaline consumption to its production and the biggest benefit for me comes from excercise as it lowers my adrenaline levels, your situation sounds much worse and i really do feel for you, but you need to know you are not alone and that the condition is manageable, It will take much determination to affect change in your life but using tiny steps and a will to develop your own "feel the fear and do it anyway attitude" you will make progress and those small successes are where you will find the strength Think of it as gaining steem power, i for one believe you will become a Whale \o/ big hugs.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment and for sharing your experience. I can completely relate and I'm sorry you've had to experience this as well. You are right about "feel the fear and do it anyway attitude". It's great advice. I was reading a book recently on dealing with panic attacks and it talked about just basically accepting it when it happens with a rather "so what, it is what it is" attitude. The reasoning is that the fear of the symptoms caused by the stress hormones is what causes the full on panic attack. I've tried it a few times and it has helped, but it is very hard to change thought patterns that I've had for decades. You are right about exercise as well. I'm glad to hear that you are managing this condition, it gives me hope.
Thank you so much for your support and advice. Following.
sometimes our mind is our own worst enemy, and there is irony in the fact that for us, it is also our biggest asset, i wish you much calm my friend :)
So true, thank you and I wish you much calm as well <3
i have learned also that the people that show no regard for others and propel themselves through life mainly at the expense of others never seem to suffer from stress, it is usually the people that have empathy and understanding for others that suffer the most (i call them the delicate flowers) and i know which type i would want in my garden .
Well said. I am definitely an Empath and a delicate flower.
A blessing and a curse I suppose.
Maybe 2 blessings?
i remember you commented on my depression post before, Living with these illnesses is so hard , and its very brave of you to tell all so publicly if you need someone to talk to im usually around here or on discord .
Yes, I remember that! Thank you so much for your support. I've had a particularly horrible week. The same goes for you if you ever want to talk. Do you hang out in the Whaleshares discord?
I've seen posts about group activities in there is that right?
Yes ! I am , sorry I didnt answer my gramma passed and I have been spending time with family and going to her wake. I am always here if you need to talk my discord name is the same as my steemit name (:
Oh I'm so sorry to hear about your grandma passing.
Thank you, I'm always here if you need to talk as well. :)
This is me too.....
Sorry to hear that :-(
I get so distressed sometimes that I will worry myself to the point of being sick, it is not a fun place to be, and the one thing I have found that helps is to take it all one step at a time, being productive makes me happy(ier?), I like blogging (sometimes haha), music, watching documentaries.
Super proud of you for sharing, well done Isaria. You are awesome. <3
Thank you so much Sammo, I know exactly what you mean.
I'll try to take one step at a time.
<3
I have a good idea just how difficult it was for you to put this all out there. My last girlfriend was very much in the same state as you. I myself have the same condition to a much lesser extent. I don't suffer as you do...but I do know how you suffer.
I lost a wonderful, loving and talented friend when a change in medication turned something that seemed to be working for the both of us for three years into something that ended within a week.
I hold no ill feelings toward her and sadly we haven't talked since. I have respected her choice and let her know I am here for her if she should ever need me. I worry I'm not doing the right thing. All the time.
I'm hoping you'll slowly realize people don't hate you. Not understanding is not the same as hate. Oh sure, some who don't know your struggles will be jealous of your talents...but hey, that's them...not you.
When she would have her panic attacks she would feel trapped within herself and felt as though she were going to die any minute. I always tried to comfort her in any way that I could. It seemed helping her to breath...even through a paper bag...and to think of her family and those she knew loved her...no matter what. Usually the panic attack would pass in a few to five minutes but then she would sleep for hours. Sometimes more than twelve full hours.
When her meds were working for her she was very insightful of her situation and so helpful towards other people. I expect you're much the same way with those you're closest to.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I have an understanding of what it is you're dealing with. When you're at the deepest end of your own soul, the only thing that you have to hang on to is the knowledge that you are loved. This you know without doubt. That love is always there for you and usually it is enough to pull you through to the other side. Right?
I won't say I feel sorry for you Isaria...but I will say I feel you. Seems the best and greatest artists have the deepest secrets within. Secrets they themselves struggle to find the questions for...and in finding the answers...always there are more questions.
I wish you...just this day...
I wish you peace. You are loved.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment, I appreciate our conversations and your understanding.
Thanks also for sharing your own experience, I'm sorry to hear about your girlfriend and what you had to go through.
"When she would have her panic attacks she would feel trapped within herself and felt as though she were going to die any minute."
That's exactly how I feel when it happens.
I truly appreciate your wish for peace and love and the same goes to you my friend.
It's really not what I've had to go through. It's more so what she's going through now and how I'm no longer there to help her deal with it. I'm just hoping she's found someone else by now...she never did like being alone.
She does have a shih tzu and a rottie that bring her much comfort when she's not well and adds to her joy when she's feeling more on the up.
I do appreciate you and hope you're having a better day today. <3
I understand. Dogs are wonderful companions so that's good that she has them.
I am feeling a bit better today thank you and I hope you are doing well too.
<3
Yes, they are wonderful and they all love me very much and I them. When she would get into a dissociative state, which seemed to happen weekly the little one would climb up on her lap and just kiss and kiss and kiss her lips as if trying to bring her back. She would complain that her lips were numb afterward. The rottie would lay her head on her lap and allow the little one to walk all over her head. I'm not using names here for obvious reasons.
I'm glad you're having a better day Isaria...and I'm just fine...thanks so much for asking. ~smiles~