We've all heard the expression "Nice guys finish last". We've all seen or experienced women going after the "bad boy" in life, media, nonfiction and fiction. Women seem date the men that are categorically not the man she describes she is looking for. Meanwhile, somewhere on the sidelines a "nice guy" laments "if only she'd give me a chance!".
So Why is That?
Does she really like outlaw bikers, misogynistic womanizers, and assholes who treat her like crap? Early in life maybe she will find herself with bad boys, but a few rounds of that and most women learn better. Does she really dislike nice guys or find nice guys unattractive who are gentle, compassionate, altruistic, sensitive and vulnerable. It isn't that she likes "bad boys" or dislikes "nice guys", but rather its what they nonverbally communicate to her that drives the attraction.
What is a "Bad Boy"
He is unapologetically upfront about what he is and doesn't pretend he's something not. He doesn't care about anyone's approval or ask anyone's permission. He does what he wants, when he wants, how he wants, others' be damned. He cares little for his woman's or "the man's" opinion! He takes what he wants and doesn't apologize. He cares only for his happiness. He breaks her heart. Do you really think these are traits a woman desires?
What is a "Nice Guy"
(wtfniceguys @ knowyourmeme.com)
According to wikipedia a nice guy is a man who puts the needs of others before his own, avoids confrontations, does favors, gives emotional support, tries to stay out of trouble, and generally acts nicely towards others with traits of honesty, loyalty, romanticism, courtesy, respect and is unassertive. He puts her happiness first. He breaks himself trying to please her. Do you really think these are traits a woman despises?
Its not that she likes the traits of the "bad boy", she just likes the way he makes her feel. That feeling, is that she has the attention of a dominate male with high sexual value and strong self-confidence. A male that is desired by other women (and he often painfully proves this to her) and able to protect her. A feeling that she is lucky to have him as competition for him is fierce. Are those feelings mutually exclusive with those of a "nice guy"? Of course not.
The "bad boy"'s traits often naturally mimic the real traits she's after:
- Self-centeredness and inconsideration can falsely appear as confidence
- Infidelity, promiscuity, or flirtatious behavior with other women can falsely appear as high sexual "market value"
- Bravado, a quick temper, taking risks, and breaking the rules can falsely appear as dominant behavior and an ability to protect her.
The "nice guy"'s traits often naturally mimic the real traits she avoids:
- Altruism, favors, and acts of kindness can falsely appear as low sexual "market value"
- Sexual restraint, a lack of promiscuity, or celibacy can falsely appear as low sexual "market value"
- Following the rules, apologizing for transgressions, and exercising caution can falsely appear as low self-confidence and submissive behavior.
You can be all the traits of a "nice guy" or none of them... it matters little when it comes to real attraction. Whatever you are or choose to be, you can make her wildly attracted to you. Its just a matter of learning the nature of attraction and how to create it. If the is strongly attracted to a man then all these traits, both negative and positive, are secondary to that attraction.
What is "Attraction"
Attraction from a woman isn't simply present or not based on your appearance, net worth, etc, it is naturally or intentionally built or destroyed over time and interaction with her. Men have a bad habit of assuming female attraction works just like male attraction. Its not.
Women are more attracted to a man's personality and how he makes her feel than what he looks like or what's in his pockets. For some men, building attraction comes naturally or subconsciously. For most men, attracting a woman is a conscious and deliberate effort he makes. Building attraction and sexual tension is a skill you must develop in order to be successful if it doesn't come naturally to you. Unfortunately most men get the wrong messages from media, society, and cultural influences.
How to Be Attractive
Of course if you are broke, going nowhere, overweight, and painful on the eyes you're going to have a harder time than the tall, rich, Brad Pitt from fight club, however either possess the ability to attract the vast majority of women if they know what to do. Likewise, either are equally able to fail utterly with women if they don't understand female attraction.
All a woman needs to be attracted to man is for him to show her confidence, humor, charisma, strength, masculinity and a dominant personality.
Don't ever communicate you are needy, unsure of or think she might not be attracted to you.
When you do you unknowingly tell her she is of higher sexual market value than you and you would be lucky to be with her. Commit in your mind that she is deeply attracted to you, that your sexual market value exceeds hers, and it will show in your subtle body language and how you interact.
Don't ever beg for attention nor try to bribe her for it
Attractive men don't beg for female attention, it is freely given. If you have to grease the wheels with gifts, favors, money, or platitudes to gain her attention you are only going to have it for a moment and it won't foster any attraction from her. Men of high value know women will give their attention because of their value. Convince yourself of your value and command respect and attention rather than beg for it.
Don't feel the need to brag or tell her your good qualities.
As the saying goes "Never trust someone who tells you how honest they are". People only tell you things about themselves you can readily determine for yourself when they don't believe it themselves... When people make unwarranted accusations of infidelity they are usually indicating unfaithfulness on their part. When politicians rail against homosexuality, child molestation, corruption, or the degradation of family values they invariably turn out to be gay, get busted molesting a child, are exposed for corruption, or destroy their own family. If you need to tell her the quality its likely not going to be believed unless its something she couldn't have found out herself.
Don't look away when she looks in your eyes or when you talk.
Make eye contact. Don't stare mind you, but if you read my article on animal behavior you may remember the section on posturing and eye contact. Deliberate eye contact is as a dominant behavior in men as in dogs and other animals. Breaking eye contact often signals submissiveness.
Don't appear nervous.
Yeah that one is tough. Have a few drinks if it helps. Commit in your mind before the interactions and convince yourself that either you cannot fail with her, she's already deeply attracted, or, borrow a trick from the bad boy, that its impossible to attract her and so it doesn't even matter so don't worry about it. Conditioning yourself not to care is as good a medicine for the nerves as the ole liquid courage.
Don't be so serious.
Make her laugh. Keep conversation light hearted, fun, and unpredictable. Everyone loves a good laugh because it feels good, and if the consistently feels good around you the attraction will grow.
Don't appear emotionally weak.
She's the woman so she should be the emotional one. She wants to know when she is emotionally weak you are the rock that will support her. If you are overly emotional or appear easily hurt you aren't communicating emotional health and strength or anything masculine. Cry at the end of watching "Marley and Me" together? No big deal. She does want to know you aren't a callous emotionless prick. Cry because you lost your job or you got a speeding ticket with her on the way to dinner? You're being weak.
Don't pile on the praise
Tell her all the things you like about her and you communicate you are lower sexual market value than her. Don't be afraid to give her a hard time with a side of humor and wit. Is she wearing a ridiculous neckless? Make some light-hearted fun about it.
Don't ask permission
Strong men don't ask permission. They know what they want and they go get it. Don't ask her if you can take her to dinner. Tell her you're taking her to that new place you saw. Don't ask if you can kiss her, just go for it and don't apologize if she doesn't oblige your advance. If that happens just make light of it. Don't ask her if she wants to have sex, just start undressing her and going after what you want (unless of course she says no... but if you did everything right up to this point she will be yearning for it)
Don't delegate decision-making to her.
Feel free to gather her input, but make the decisions. Decision making is stressful and taxing... Being indecisive comes across as submissive and shows a lack of self-confidence, strength, self-direction and ability to lead.
Be a dominant man
Attractive men are dominant. Own your space. Be confident. Go after what you want. When you're out in public don't shrink back and look at the ground with slumped shoulders. Fill your space and hold your chest high and your chin up. Be relaxed and comfortable, not highly strung and stressed. Don't fake it, fully embrace this mindset. The guy at the bar huffing and puffing and yelling at the dude sitting down that he messed with the wrong guy and to step outside to settle the score isn't the dominant one... its false bravado. The dude sitting at the bar without blustering back or even turning to face him, that says with a chuckle "just as soon as I finish my drink, I'll be right out there" is the dominant one. He already knows he will wipe floor with the other guy. And now everyone in the room does too, including the other guy.
Wrapping it all up
You can "nice guy" all you want and still be very successful with women. You just have to communicate confidence, and high sexual market value. Happy hunting!