I am relearning how to cry

When I was younger, I was often shamed for tears. They were considered weakness, and I was an embarrassment for exhibiting weakness publicly and privately. I was often sad or overwhelmed and fell to pieces at the drop of a hat. Add to that the pressure not to feel and my tears were very nearly squeezed into diamonds.

As an adult and mother I choose not to shame my children. Tears are jewels, a communication that help is needed. Or in the case of happiness, sometimes that help is found. I don't think it possible to overstate the value of tears.

I often wonder if this is a kneejerk response of mine, push back against the beatings and verbal abuse I received for having a tender heart. If it is and I am wrong, I'm happier for it. Seeing my children cry instead of "manning" or "toughening" up is an amazing experience. They are liberated beyond my historical restrictions; they are allowed to feel the full spectrum of emotion. This makes them better community members, leaders and people in general.

There are enough emotionally damaged bosses in the world.

I no longer cry easily. It's frustrating. Crying is scientifically shown to be a healthy release for the mind and body. Having the tears locked inside with no place to go is painful. It contributes to my anxiety and depression. When I'm at my worst, I sit on my bed and wonder what is wrong with me. Why can't I relax? Why can't I let go?

I've noticed the times that it is easiest to cry are when I am driving and my thoughts wander or I walk past a crying child. A sympathetic response is triggered in the latter case. Perhaps what I need is a crying circle. Does such a thing exist?

This is an area of myself I am working on. Frequent tears, for me, are the sign of an open heart. That is what I am working toward.