Living with Anxiety - What I've learnt.

Ever since I can remember, I have always felt uncomfortable in social situations. The earliest I can actually remember being aware of it, was around the age of 14. People who have never lived with anxiety have no idea the excruciating pain of it. Its not just mental, there are horrendous physical symptoms as well. My first panic attack, I thought I was having a heart attack. I was at work with a room full of clients, editing a commercial in Johannesburg when I started feeling my heart racing. I went pale and went into an instant cold sweat, left arm numb and tingling and feeling like I was going to die on the spot. I got up without saying a word and ran to the bathroom. My face was ash white in the mirror, my legs were weak and trembling. I splashed some cold water on my face and was contemplating leaving there and then to the hospital. I decided to wait a few more minutes and tried to calm down. As quickly as it came, it began to lift. What the fuck had just happened?! Despite feeling better I was convinced I may have suffered a small heart attack or stroke and went to the doctor straight from the office, telling his secretary it was an emergency.

He gave me an ECG to check my heart, took my blood pressure, checked my blood sugar with a prick in the finger and assured me I was in perfect health apart from being a couple of kilos overweight. He said I'd had a panic attack. Its common he said, nothing to worry about. Are you fucking kidding me? Nothing to worry about? I just had a near death experience as far as I was concerned. Assuring me that it was nothing serious he promptly handed me a script for Zoloft and some Pax (a generic of Valium) and sent me on my way.

What the doctors don't tell you about anti-depressants is that they make the anxiety worse, much worse, for about 6 weeks until your body starts to acclimatize. That period was sheer and utter hell. I would avoid people as much as possible for fear that they may think me insane. In a way I guess I was... Several months later things started to improve, I was able to do the work I needed to and interact with people socially but I didn't feel myself. Its like on the surface everything was fine, but just underneath the surface there was a tide being held at bay that felt like at any moment could break through and engulf me.

Thats probably the worst thing about anxiety, is the constant worry that someone will notice that you're anxious. That fear creates a domino effect which becomes a spiral of one fear causing another until the fear of fear itself is overwhelming and all encompassing. Knowing whats coming, anticipating it, and being dead scared of it. I can only think sometimes that actual death would be less painful than that anguish. Its like dying or feeling you're going to, over and over and over again. This is one fucked up illness to have. The meds help, but its like putting a band aid on a wound thats festering and infected. It will mask the symptoms but doesn't really heal the wound.

I have come off medication, which was like getting on them to begin with and sheer and utter hell. Then a few panic attacks later realizing I kinda needed them, then beginning the process of getting back on them or trying some other drug, then repeating this process over and over again for years. Costantly afraid, when will it strike next? Shopping malls are a no go, crowded places, noisy places, work lunches, small talk, even an intimate coffee with a friend one on one can trigger it. It basically robs you of the very things that make life enjoyable, like meeting new people or developing close relationships, or being able to express yourself or open up to anyone. Its a prison of the mind, and a chain around the heart.

I research it all the time. I experiment. I've tried everything from psychiatry, psychology and CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy), to meditation, mindfulness, and diet. Some help and others don't. If there is anyone reading this who is suffering with the same illness, I feel you and this post is for you. I want to share some of the things I have found work for me and maybe they'll work for you too.

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The science goes like this

The brain is made up of 3 regions essentially. The neocortex is the outer part of the brain that is responsible for thinking and day-to-day functioning. The limbic system is the inner part of the brain and is the emotional brain. And then theres the Survival brain, considered the basic or reptilian brain. My CBT therapist drew this to illustrate.

As you can see his writing is shit. What he was describing was that our limbic system, which is responsible for our emotional responses as well as subconscious thought is actually more primitive than the cortex which is responsible for complex thought, and language. Its also much faster than the cortex, for example when you are in a car accident and everything slows down, thats the limbic system at work. Its the fight or flight centre of the brain and it kicks in when it perceives we are in danger. Thats how we're sometimes able to have ridiculously fast reflexes or move really fast if we need to. Now with us, this region is triggered by false signals; it thinks we're in danger when we're not and so it floods the bloodstream with adrenaline and the stress hormone cortisol - which in a real life or death situation is handy, but when you're sitting at a coffee shop with friends - not so much.

Now our natural inclination to these uncomfortable situations given our condition is to just avoid them right? Seems logical. Turns out the opposite is true. Theres a technique called Exposure Response, which basically proposes that you time and time again expose yourself to the very thing that you're afraid of. The reason being, as uncomfortable as being anxious is or even having a panic attack, its not actually physically dangerous. A panic attack won't kill you. It might feel like it but it won't, so by exposing yourself time and again to the very situations that you fear, you will realize "Hey I didn't die" and although you were miles outside of your comfort zone, you gain confidence by having exposed yourself to the very situation/place/person/thing, you feared most and survived. Theres comfort in just knowing this simple fact alone, and for us we'll take all the reassurance we can get. In such a way we eventually train our brains to relearn the correct responses to everyday situations. So, if it scares you - you gotta do it! Scary, I know. But I also know it works. So the next time you get invited to that lunch by your colleague or your boss invites you around for dinner, don't avoid it or make an excuse why you can't - go. It'll be the best thing for you and you will feel not only relief when its over, but also the thrill of self esteem returning - slowly but surely.

Because thats what this fucking illness robs us of, our self esteem. We think we're not good enough, or that people won't like us and we care far too much what others think. I know that I have worried so much about what others may be thinking about me, that I've basically been waiting for people to tell me what to think about myself. How fucked up is that? What other people think of you should be none of your business. Period. Its what you think about you that matters. Every time I go to a meeting I'm dreading and get through it, its a little triumph. I'm proud of myself. Everytime I face the things that scare me and come through them, I pat myself on the back... which brings me to one of the most important tools in my arsenal, gratitude. Instead of complaining or resisting, I surrender to the moment - and when its over, I thank the man upstairs. For you that may not exist but it makes no difference, so long as you are grateful it changes your entire perspective of not only yourself but of others as well. Because being humbled by suffering, you are more inclined to feel compassion for your fellow human being and for yourself.

A couple of the things I do.

1. I wake up and the first words out of my mouth are thank you that I'm alive today. Then I ask for guidance, I ask to be shown what my higher power's will is for me and the courage to act that out.

2. Get out of your comfort zone, I say this to myself to remind me that what is comfortable will ruin me, and what is uncomfortable will make me. Everything you want is on the other side of fear.

3. I wanna see you be brave. I know this one might sound corny but hey, it works for me. You know the song, "Say what you wanna say And let the words fall out Honestly, I wanna see you be brave"? Yip I sing that. It reminds me to speak up for myself, to be assertive - I struggle with this daily.

4. Take my meds. Yes, medication does have its place and though not all of us need them, some do. But meds are not the panacea to all our problems, they simply provide more stable ground to practice all the things above.

5. Stop trying to control situations, people and outcomes. If its a lunch meeting with a client, I would usually try get there early and get a table outside. That way I can hide behind my shades and the outside makes me feel less claustrophobic. If you have to then do it, by try not to control the situation, go with the flow and trust that all will be okay. For me its a 50/50 depending on how much I feel like challenging myself that day.

6. Take it easy. Stop putting so much pressure on yourself to be perfect. Its unrealistic and its arrogant. By expecting perfection in ourselves, we expect it in others and thats just setting ourselves up for failure.

7. Be kind. To others and to yourself.

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My life today is not anxiety free.

I still battle everyday with it, but I have tools. And every time I face my fears I feel my spirits lift a little higher and day by day I am becoming the person I would like to be. I hope that if you're still here reading this, that you know, you are not alone, and that there is hope. Trust that all will be as it should be, that you will be taken care of - expect it. Its not what happens to us in life, its how we respond that matters. Thats what defines us ultimately. We all face challenges, we're all human. The question is, How will you respond?

Be Brave!

Peace & Love.