The Healing of an Addict Pt. 1: Moments of Clarity
I was just having a conversation with a friend on Discord, and somehow the subject of addiction came up (of which, I'm sure many of you are familiar that I am a recovering heroin addict).
I wrote this to her, and she said it read like a poem.
She insisted that I wrote a post and share it - I didn't think it was very good, but, I told her I would stop being stubborn for once and step outside of my comfort zone - because we grow when we put ourselves in situations that we may not be completely comfortable in.
So, thank you for encouraging me, @Seajai, to share this with the world.
Here goes nothing...
So the internal self-conflict is coming to a conclusion
The whole good vs evil shit
Good, finally winning the war
Empathy returning; what a beautiful feeling
It actually makes me tear up every now and then
For I was never much of one to care about others
@Seajai:
Maybe the pain you are feeling is just a reminder
that you are beginning to FEEL again
instead of being numb
Me:
Oh, it is
It all comes at once
Any normal pains you have are amplified, but also
The senses come back to life
Colors appear brighter
Taste buds change; food becomes desirable again
The air around you has a different aroma to it
Sounds are sharper, more precise
Visual acuity begins to heal; I can read a book again
My senses come back full force, all at once
Life quickly returns to what was once a human being
Capable of emotion, love, compassion - selflessness
And it's crazy because when you're using
You don't realize all of these things are fading away
So when they all come back at once
It's completely overwhelming, almost scary
Yet, attached to that is an indescribable beauty
Just go outside and look at the sky
The colors, so vivid
Listen to the sounds around you; the world moving by
As you stand still
And just feel the wind on your skin
This is when it all comes back, and you realize
You're alive, and life is beautiful
To return to the depths of hell,
From whence we came
What utter madness
To sacrifice life, for pain, suffering,
And eventual self-suicide
For addicts are the best
At slowly killing ourselves
Only the foolish and the weak
Continue to choose that path
Time, and time again
As for me - I choose life.
Interested in joining #TheUnmentionables?
Come join our Discord server:
https://discord.gg/7kYYrw9
Wow. I not know about your history with addiction, I am super glad you were able to break away from that. This is a very good piece, what do you mean you thought it wasn't that good. How is this just normal conversation for you? You sir are brilliant.
Thank you - wait until I release part 2 of this, which is the story of what I'm currently battling/have been battling. Every day is a struggle but it's worth it to stay alive and be here to tell the tale.
You are strong brother, and you will continue to triumph
Hey, I only just saw this. I am SO happy you posted it. Such powerful words.
Thanks for the push I needed to make this happen <3
Wish you the best man! How long should it be to say that you've fully recovered?
Technically, I've been clean for about 10 months now - if you don't factor in the bullshit medically prescribed painkillers for my leg that I just got off of. Didn't abuse them, haven't done any other drugs in between, etc. I'm about to write up a pretty grim post about what just happened that nearly caused me to consider going back down that road, though..
Thank you. that's good to know.
I'm not sure if my heart can take this. Lol. But I know that writing has been a therapy for me (for a different thing), whether it be typing, or writing it down manually (I like writing it down manually :) ).
Thank you. Yeah, they're not pretty stories - none of them are. But, they're authentic and they portray things how they actually are or were. And I feel that it's important to be honest with myself - and the easiest way for me to do that, is to share with the world - now, everyone holds me accountable. If i fuck up, i have hoards of people to call me on my bullshit. So it helps me stay in line.
True, we have to take things as they are and not patch it up with make-up. I admire you for your courage to bring this up for the community to see.
Thank you for your kind words. I'm eager to share the entire story - hopefully this evening. There's so much more to this.
Empathy is powerful, moreso than most realise: it not only requires a significant quanta of cognitive function, but also the capacity to comprehend 'self' and 'other' - a feat only possible by executive function and imagination combined in the act of questioning one's own existence, actions, and consequences;
Most lifeforms are not possessed of this capacity and thus live only in a succession of 'nows', triggered by stimuli, responding to immediate needs or threats, bereft of the ability to reflect on past experience or imagine things and events that are yet to be.
Genuine empathy requires genuine experience, counterfeit will not surfice for long. Self evaluation can oft be mercenary in nature, if efficacy of action and acquisition are the primacy of concern. But, sooner or later, the human psyche will grow dissatisfied and crave more, much, much more.
Acknowledgement. Meaningful dialogue, with the self, with others, with reality.
"The Unbearable Lightness of Being" by Milan Kundera irreverently challenges Friedrich Nietzsche's existential postulation that the universe and all events have previously occurred and will recur ad infinitum (a pointless and nihilistic state without free will), instead exploring the very real possibility that each person has only one life to live, and all that occurs in our lives occurs once, and only once, but cannot be known in full until after the fact (hence "lightness") yet nevertheless is full of uniqueness and choice.
Lives have meaning, but only when instilled. It won't be measured in dollars, or accolades. Afterlife will be the memory that lingers, the consequences of actions borne out in the world during and after your time on this stage we call life.
I for one am very glad your verse is genuine, candid, replete with mirth and melody.
A song, for you, one of my most favourite, and one I believe to be one of the most remarkable, at least in philosophy:
Pando, another stanza, if you will...
Thank you so much for your response.
One thing that really stuck out was your reference to Kundera - I read that book on the recommendation of my ex last summer. And while at the time, I didn't fully appreciate it, over time, it started to click and really hit home in certain aspects.
I'm honestly glad that I even have the opportunity to be here, to have the opportunity to truly be the person I know I want to be and am capable of becoming - but only when I'm sober. When I am using, there is no hope for me to bring any sort of "Lightness" into my life.
Substances snuff the candle in my room and leave me in the dark, alone with only my thoughts and twisted memories.
To be here today, to build, grow, and share with everyone, is a gift that I absolutely cherish and do not take for granted.
So thank you, so much, for your kind words, your deep wisdom, and insight, and your level of intelligence. It's refreshing, honestly.
Best wishes my friend,
Panda.
Experiences we don't live through are but stories, whether truth or tale is then subject to argument. History doesn't rhyme, it repeats, and that is why, but it could rhyme, if only we can learn how;
We must continue to live through the same follies again and again, unless we grow from each other's lived experience, a feat only possible if our empathetic fix is of the utmost quality. That in itself is predicated on the quality of both communication and listening skills. Can't receive much if only ever broadcasting, right?
All of your experiences are genuine and useful, each of us has to decide when we've had our fill of those tired old experiences that no longer hold any new learning, and write our verse anew.
Looking forward to reading your next verses.
My Monty Python song would be "Always Look on The Bright Side of Life" lol
Another brilliant offering from MP which I considered using but chose the Galaxy Song specifically for the lyrics and intent. Here's another one.
Looking forward to part 2!
Even if I try, I think I can never imagine what kind of a struggle you been through. Wish you all the best for the future.
Part 2 will be much longer - comparable to some of my earlier Steemit posts. Raw, uncut, unfiltered, and brutally honest.
Don't ever go down this path man, please. I wouldn't wish this life full of constant craving and pain on my worst enemy.
Thank you as always for your support. I feel so loved on SteemIt and honestly I think it's the major reason I continue to remain sober.
Well, you got a 100% upvote since your feet are Longfellow's and I was feeling da mojo.
Eloquent and true.... to numb out is the norm and the best part of humanity is often not rewarded while the worst is.....then the cycle of trying to numb out can begin again and it can be the internet or sleeping or eating ....it's a great post :)
You are totally spot on @battleaxe, even tv series is a kind of addiction that numbs out the norm and the best part of humanity. It is called "TV program" for a reason.
You're absolutely right - the worst parts of society are typically the ones that fortune favors, at least for a while.
And when there's some sort of addictive tendency, mental illness, or other obsession involved it always turns ugly. I was an addict for 6 years and and now in recovery, but I also am bipolar.
It's a nasty combo and usually leads to dark places...and typically ends either in jail's, institutions, or death.
Thank you for reading 🐼
Well, if you've got that power, then all my bests.
If you also found good people around to sustain that, then is the best thing. Communicating is the only thing in this moments.
I lost my motivation to go on in this life in last few years. But having photography and some other small hobbies keeps me alive. I know is not the life i want, monotony is a killer and maybe entering in crypto world it was a new step. I found steemit and here started to find new people.
Is not reality, but i can combine now both to see where it leads.
Every word around us can help more than anything else in the world. It can give motivation and reason to be alive again.
Good luck in your life and Cheers for all!
Wow Ben, how did I miss this one till now. Truly beautiful words and I'm so glad you are here and doing all you do <3
Ahh Helen, this was just a tiny little conversation from this morning. I have the story I still want to write and share about traveling this time and how I very nearly lost control again...but something intervened and stopped me.
And it saved me life .
I'm thankful to have you in my life as an amazing friend and am so grateful for all you do for me! 💙
Wow. Powerful. Thank you @seajai for pushing @fatpandadesign to write. It will help so many. And, @fatpandadesign, there's no way you could be serving our community every day with numbness because it's the love, compassion and belief you have in others that is needed to serve at such a high level. I'm touched, impressed, relieved and most of all so happy for you. It may seem like a weird analogy but it kinda reminded me of the Matrix... being plugged into something deceptive thinking you're living but not, vs being unplugged with uncertainty, pain and hope but feeling. You are an inspiration.)))))))))