It’s Not About Me, It’s About You

Photo by Mikito Tateisi on Unsplash

I'm an introvert.

I struggle to walk up to people, to open up to them, to ask them questions, to engage them in a conversation. I am mostly silent.

I decided to figure out why I am failing at networking. Although it seems pretty obvious why (based on the above sentence), I needed to find things out for myself.

I thought I had the answer to the differences between introverts and extroverts. Introverts, as I thought, have the ability to think about themselves a little more often than about others. Their primary focus is on themselves. That sounds like entitlement cra*, but it’s true. I also know for a fact, that regardless of how confident we seem, we also struggle a lot with insecurities and dilemmas, and internal drama. A bad mood for an introvert doesn’t mean that he has a problem with you. He has a problem with himself.

Extroverts, on the other hand, have insecurities too, and some people claim that theirs are even deeper and more difficult to handle. I can’t attest to the truth of that, so I am just reporting rumors. I first heard that statement in a Mel Robbins interview where she talked about the problems she struggled with. I found that statement interesting.

How Do Others Network??

That question would haunt me for weeks and months! I was desperate to figure that out. I realized over time that merely being good at my work won’t get me anywhere if I didn’t know how to network, and overall enjoy to network. I would lapse into quiet depressive moods thinking that I will never figure that out and that I will be stuck in my habitual introversion, and that will be it. Nobody will know me, nobody will care about me, nobody would read me. What do I have to do?!?

The Beginning

The first book that handed me the answer was Never Split The Difference. I was reading it hungryly and felt even more hungry when I finished the book. I felt like I was so very close to something deeply profound, but then the book ended. I realized that I wish I could read something that explains all these concepts in depth, especially for the “socially disabled” person that I am.

For that reason I decided to put these rules down and figure out how to fill in the gaps. I would love to share them here, although they are not mine, but at least I can offer some of my own experience based on them.

The Principles

1. Your Voice

There’s absolute magic in a person’s voice! There really is. It’s no surprise that news anchors, TV show people, musicians/singers, actors, etc. are either selected because (but not only) for their voices, or at least they trained. And they trained hard and for years. You may be gifted with a husky “late night DJ” voice, but those are among the few exceptional cases. Don’t count on that. Find a local acting course, or a specialist, who can train you how to employ your voice properly. What’s the idea? — To get you to use your voice to instill calmness, trust, comfort. Everything that is the opposite of a stressful high-pitched voice.

2. Mirroring

Essentially, mirroring means to repeat the last three words of what your partner/friend said last. Example:

Friend: “There has been a lot of unresolved issues with my last report.”

You: “Your last report?”

Friend: “Yes, the report I wrote for my boss. He wanted me to…” [reveals a lot more information]

That one is among the top strategies that Chris Voss is suggesting. I really can’t recommend his book enough!

I have another example, and I would like to apologise how the absurdity of it. It’s still a perfect mirroring case!

Douggy Jones from “Twin Peaks” season 3, employed mirroring almost 99% of the time. He did a great job, and everyone loved him in the end! Now, I know this is first of all an absurd show, and second it’s not real life, but a TV show, I still want to emphasize that mirroring does work! I tried it myself a few times with my partner, and it even happened without me thinking much. I noticed how he shared more with me without me saying anything, but repeating the last few words of his last sentence a few times.

3. Listen. Understand.

When you are facing an angry counterpart, maybe because of a bad business deal, or you have an argument with your partner or close relative, they will say a lot about how they feel misunderstood, rejected, blamed or judged. You listen! Listen to them! Imprint all of their words to your mind, however badly that hurts (because it will be difficult)!

I’ve had painful arguments with my partner, and at times, when I blank out on what he’s talking about I simply look at him and rememer that I love him. My need for connection (and not disconnection) helps me back off, and start listening.

After you’ve heard your partner/counterpart, then repeat/summarize to them what you heard. Repeat it to make sure they hear it back. They would feel more comfortable, because it would signify to them — “She understands me.”

I would expand on this view and in fact add that this technique appears very much like the mirroring technique, but is much more complicated and needs genuine understanding. It also requires that the two people really want to get to a concensus.

What I learned to do is, after my partner said everything he wanted, I start with “I understand…” And in fact, I really do my best to understand. I am not talking about being fake and faking understanding and acceptance, while in your heart you’re like “What the f**k is wrong with this person?!”

It’s about being genuine! Say everything you want to say from your heart, but from the perspective of a understanding partner or friend. Empathise!

4. Open-Ended Questions

I really like this one because it’s one of my favorite ways to ask questions.

An open-ended question means that you give the other person the freedom to choose what to reveal. You also hand them the control.

Have you thought how many times the close-ended questions (“yes” or “no”) are used in court cases? A LOT! Why? Because they aim to corner you, to take away your control and essentially lead you to say exactly what they want you to say.

Court attorneys/lawyers can literally condemn Mother Theresa if they wanted it, only by asking close-ended questions!

Additionally, close-ended questions make people defensive and frustrated, because of their sense of losing control. Compare these two questions:

Q1: “How is your day?”

A1: “My day is really good. I am enjoying the weather, it’s warm, sunny, and there’s a pleasant cool breeze. Ah, I wish I could go to the beach now.”

VS

Q2: “Are you liking the weather today?”

A2: “Yes.”

Q2: “Thanks, that’s all I wanted to know.” [implied meaning]

Do you feel like the person in the second scenario is interested in what you feel, think, need or desire by asking a close-ended question? Do you feel they want to know you? I bet you don’t.

Whereas in the first scenario you feel like you can expand on your thoughts, you can open up some more. And miraculously if your friend employs mirroring (“Go to the beach?”), you are on to a very interesting conversion.

There was a Youtube video on a business topic that I watched a month ago. The instructor went on to tell an interesting personal story. He was the presenter in a seminar, and in the lobby (before the seminar) he randomly saw one person (apparently an attendee). The presenter started asking questions, inquiring about the person and his line of work, etc. After 30 minutes or so, our presenter realized he was getting tired, and needed to break the conversation. While stepping away to go to the elevator, the attendee told him “Hey, I haven’t met a more interesting person than you in years!”

That made our presenter think deeply as to the reason why.

And then in the elevator it dawned on him. So he realized that:

To be interesting you have to be interested.*

*Original thought by Dale Carnegie.

I think that summarizes very powerfully the idea that open-ended questions, and questions in general are crucial to establishing good rapport, good feelings for one another, good communication, good vibes overall!

To this day, I remind myself of this sentence, because it centers me to what I am trying to achieve. To let people in my life.

5. It’s not about me, it’s about you

That one sticks with me almost daily! Every time I wonder why I am attracted to some people and not attracted to other people, I remind myself of this — Are they talking only about themselves, or are they genuinely interested to hear me?

We all have experienced that dude/gal who inceasantly talks about him/herself. It isn’t really very attractive, and over time people really feel tired of listening only about you.

Try this:

Ask yourself the following next time you communicate with someone:

Do you express interest in others, or not?

My mom is extroverted (although a balanced extrovert). I asked her, how does she make people like her. She told me her secret. She always draws the light to the other person. She would always make sure to point the attention to the other people in the room. It’s funny that she herself doesn’t reveal much, but she interacts with people, she laughs genuinely, and is very positive. She can also be somewhat quirky which makes people like her even more. Because she really is genuine about her behavior. If she doesn’t like something, she will frown. If she likes something funny, she’ll laugh.

And then she told me that she just makes it about the other person. She makes them feel special, interesting and attractive even. I know it sounds like I am revealing some terrible manipulative truth, but you know what?

It’s not manipulative! Do you know why?

If at the end of the conversation both parties feel good, recharged and happy, then no manipulation was involved. It was a genuine exchange of good vibes! What better do you want?

Conclusion

Now that I revealed how selfish I actually seem to be, because I never thought of doing any of the above, I would like to say a few final things.

People is everything!

It’s not about looks, genius, hard work, smart work, no work, constant work, reading 154685415 books on success and entrepreneurship. It’s not about being witty or sharp. It’s about being a people’s person. This makes even villains like Hitler likeable (when he was at the highlight of him leading the masses). They could appeal to people’s needs and they explored them (and unfortunately exploited).

I know you may say “Well, Steve Jobs was notorious for being an a**hole with his employees.” Yes, I agree with that, but at the same time he was probably close to being a genius, and on top of that very VERY assertive, and also he had magnetism and charisma. If you have all that, then maybe you don’t need social advice. I personally don’t feel like a genius, nor do I feel charismatic.

Here are my final thoughts:

It’s about whether you know how to communicate, relate, understand, connect, empathize and listen to your partner or friend! If you’re good at that, then take the above advice as a healthy bonus.

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Good people know how to drive others. Good people know when to draw the line. Good people know how to empathise and feel your heart. I want to be a good person, and I wish to see more good people. Genuinely good! This is the reason why I am starting to write on this topic, and this is one of many posts to come.