FOOTBALL FANS! Wanna REALLY Make Soccer Take Off In America? Do This...

evernoticethat (64)in #life • 7 years ago (edited)

Yes, I know, you call it "Football" over there. But the only REAL Football is in the NFL baby! Where are my Philadelphia Eagles fans at? HELL YEAH! Now, I've tried to watch Soccer in the past, and the problem is, it’s boring as fuck! Nothing ever happens! You watch an entire match, and the score ends up, 1-0, YAWN! So here's what we can do to spice things up.

Real men play football!

To start with, we have to make Soccer more like American Football. We'll start by doing away with the girly feminine shorts the players wear, (do we really need to see their legs, and butt cheeks?)

then we fit them out in full-on riot gear. Think: hardened shoulder pads, armored breastplates, Kevlar shin guards and brass knuckles to start with. Take a look:

See where I'm going with this?

Lights, camera, action

First, we'll get rid of that Hockey-goalie-thingy at the end. Then, we replace the wussy Soccer ball with one packed with explosives that has metal bumpers (to slow it down) We throw it on the field (I think you guys call it a patch, or something? we're changing that) set to explode on a 10-minute timer, unless someone scores a "touchdown" (worth 7 points) in the "end zone" (yes, we're changing that too) which disarms it, and resets the explosive ball.

Players will be allowed to brutally tackle the unfortunate soccer-kicker dude, (whatever he's called) and encouraged to use full-contact force against the opposing team. If the ball explodes on your territory, you lose a point.

Girls, girls, girls!

At halftime, (yes we need a halftime show folks) the strippers will take to the field, er, I meant the cheerleaders... The hookers will be dressed in micro-mini skirts and tube tops, for easy removal. Gordon Ramsay himself, will personally inspect each and every babe, to insure proper err, presentation - yeah - that’s it.

Police will be banned from the stadium except for one lone officer to handle crowd control, which should be plenty. Fans would be given a choice of 3 different weapons upon entry: A spiked baseball bat (metal or wood), a studded cat o' nine tails, or a barbed-wire shield for wimps.

What was your name?

We also need to liven up these sleepy football club names. "Chelsea" just doesn't strike me as manly enough, I'm guessing that's a ladies team, right? If anyone knows, please leave a comment. Juventus, sounds like a pain medication, and "West Ham?" I mean, REALLY? We can do so much better. So I’m kinda thinking: The Belfast Brain Eaters, The Cornwall Cannibals or The Liverpool Loons. Don't forget: The Texas Wankers, (sorry, but everybody hates Texas) I don't know what a wanker is, but it sure sounds cool!

Steemit Soccer

We could even perform forcible chip implants in the brains of select players (to be voted on later) allowing fans watching from home to get in on the action, and control them from their gaming consoles. Steemit members would have priority of course, while the blockchain and cryptocurrency would be used to bet on games. This is just free association boys, if you have even cooler ideas, lemme know in the comments.

Spikes would be placed on the roads leading to the venue to slow down ambulance crews. During lulls in the action on the field, aerial camera drones would be deployed to catch any beat downs in glorious HD.

Maybe we add hockey sticks to speed up the pace, still feeling that one out...

The best football fans are British!

Free (ICE COLD) Guinness beer would flow out of huge fountains strategically placed around the stadium to encourage fan, um, "interaction". I hear you guys like your beer warm over there in Europe, (FOR SOME STRANGE REASON) but we're not having any of that.

British Football fans would have one-quarter of the seats reserved for them during away games, and be given free admission because they're generally badass, this would ensure that the carnage be kept at a respectably high level. The most violent Football hooligans would be awarded free season tickets, and better weapons.

So I think we're all set. I can guarantee you, if we implement these tiny little changes, Americans would forget all about the NFL, and join the rest of the third world as true Football fans. What do YOU think?